Joke - Yorkshiremen

flamefabs


Joined: 09/07/2011
Posts: 193

Message Posted:
09/07/2011 13:42

Proud to be Yorkshire...........



The year is 2016 and a woman from Barnsley has just been awarded both

the Nobel Peace Prize and the Nobel Prize for Literature - the first

time a double award has been made to the same recipient in the same

year. A few days after the announcement, the woman whose name is Karen,

calls her Father and says, 'So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to

Stockholm to the award ceremony?'



'I don't think so. It's a long drive to the airport, and then all that

messing about on the plane."



'Don't worry about it Dad, they are sending me a private plane to fly us

from Doncaster. And a big limousine will come and pick you up at your

door.'



'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?'



Oh Dad," replies Susan, 'I'll make sure she has a lovely dress specially

made by Alexander McQueen - who made the Royal Wedding dress.'



Look love,' Dad complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you

eat. Do they serve proper bee

flamefabs


Joined: 09/07/2011
Posts: 193

Message Posted:
09/07/2011 13:43

continued from 1 above:



Do they serve proper beer?'



The Nobel Laureate responds, 'Don't worry Dad. The entire affair will be

personally handled by Gordon Ramsay. I'll ensure your meal is salt free

and that there will be no little bones left in the fish. You and mum

just have to be there.'



So Dad reluctantly agrees and on 10th December, 2016, Karen ascends the

podium to shake hands with King Carl XVI Gustaf of Sweden and King

Harald V of Norway and to receive her Nobel prizes . In the front row

sits the Nobel Laureate's Mum and Dad. Dad noticing the UN

Secretary-General sitting next to him leans over and whispers, 'You see

that woman over there, standing next to the two Kings, becoming the

first ever double recipient of a Nobel Prize.'



The Secretary-General whispers back, 'You bet I do.'



Dad says proudly, "Her brother once opened the batting for Yorkshire."

Riddles


Joined: 26/04/2011
Posts: 429

Message Posted:
09/07/2011 13:44

Proper bee?

squarefour


Joined: 01/03/2010
Posts: 21

Message Posted:
09/07/2011 16:24

Just a sit should be!!!

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
09/07/2011 20:21

Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject liquid Ecstasy directly into their mouths.



This dangerous process is known as 'E by gum'    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
09/07/2011 20:23

There's an old married couple in their 80's born and bred in Yorkshire and living in Leeds.



Unfortunately, the wife dies. She is subsequently buried and the husband arranges a headstone.



He goes to the stonemason and asks for a stone that says



ACCEPT DEAREST MARGARET LORD

SHE WERE THINE



Two weeks later, he goes to her grave to see the new headstone. It says



ACCEPT DEAREST MARGARET LORD

SHE WERE THIN



The old chap is mortified and goes to the stonemason to complain.



"You've missed the E off lad,"he says.

The stonemason is most apologetic and promises that it will be rectified by the following morning.



Next morning, the old chap goes to the grave to check that the work has been done. The headstone now reads



ACCEPT DEAREST MARGARET LORD

E, SHE WERE THIN

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
09/07/2011 20:25

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.



Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of me dog?"



Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"



Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft bugger!"    

Hoylemiller



Joined: 03/09/2010
Posts: 240

Message Posted:
09/07/2011 20:35

Bloke from Barnsley with a sore backside asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, mate, magnum or cornetto?"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
09/07/2011 20:36

) ) )

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
09/07/2011 20:39

I've just bought some of that L'Oreal Yorkshire shampoo.



It's made with Eyup Vera.



Cos tha's worth it.    

denizen



Joined: 21/08/2009
Posts: 388

Message Posted:
09/07/2011 20:43

lived in Yorkshire for many years an

feckit, france just equlised

Hoylemiller



Joined: 03/09/2010
Posts: 240

Message Posted:
09/07/2011 20:46

Bloke from Barnsley takes his cat to the vet



Says ter vet: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."



Vet: "Is it a tom?"



Barnsley bloke: "Nay, lad av browt it wi us."

denizen



Joined: 21/08/2009
Posts: 388

Message Posted:
09/07/2011 20:53

sorry to stray off topic but the "expert pundit" is some Leeds lass. 4 mins injury time played.



ps it's the women's soccer world cup 1/4 final. How's that for a joke? The "men" among us might say.

Turtle


Joined: 28/05/2007
Posts: 2669

Message Posted:
09/07/2011 20:56

We would be proud as punch to score them goals.......both crackers

denizen



Joined: 21/08/2009
Posts: 388

Message Posted:
09/07/2011 21:01

latest words of wisdom from our Yorkshire "expert"

"if we don't concede agen, we've got a chance"



Don't it mek yer proud

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
09/07/2011 21:08

The girls are playing too defensive. They need to attack the French.

denizen



Joined: 21/08/2009
Posts: 388

Message Posted:
09/07/2011 21:22

less than 3 mins to go still 1-1

denizen



Joined: 21/08/2009
Posts: 388

Message Posted:
09/07/2011 21:29

penalty shoot out

Turtle


Joined: 28/05/2007
Posts: 2669

Message Posted:
09/07/2011 21:39

Off to wash their hair now,.....cos their worth it

denizen



Joined: 21/08/2009
Posts: 388

Message Posted:
09/07/2011 21:40

France miss save 0 0

England score 0 1

France score 1 1

we score 1 2 England

they score 2 2

we score 2 3

they score 3 3

we miss wide 3 3

they score 4 3

we miss save England lose on penalties, agen

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
09/07/2011 21:41

What is it with England teams and penalty shoot outs?

denizen



Joined: 21/08/2009
Posts: 388

Message Posted:
09/07/2011 21:48

only turned the bleddy telly on cos I thought "Dad's Army" was on. Think it was postponed, pity the footy weren't.

Turtle


Joined: 28/05/2007
Posts: 2669

Message Posted:
09/07/2011 21:50

BBC only put it on at the last minute,..big outcry from the "laydeees" and the beeb crumbled.

Jonesy299


Joined: 07/02/2009
Posts: 367

Message Posted:
10/07/2011 01:40

I once knew a dyslexic Yorkshireman who would wear a cat flap on his head...!

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3533

Message Posted:
10/07/2011 03:12

Peter Sutcliffe took his latest prostitute out to a new cocktail bar in Yorkshire.

When the bartender asked her what she wanted, she turned to Peter and said, "Can I have a Screwdriver?"

He looked at her for a second and said, "Well, it's a bit of a change for me, but I'm sure I can cope with it!"

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
10/07/2011 06:25

THE AFGHANI FOOTBALLER



The Liverpool FC manager flies to Kabul to watch a Young Afghani play

football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come to Britain.



Two weeks later Liverpool is 4-0 down to Chelsea. With only 20 minutes to

play, the manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores five goals in 20 minutes and wins the game

for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted

and the media love the new star.



When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his

first day in English football.



"Hello mum, guess what?" he says "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0

down but I scored five and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media,

they all love me."



cont....

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
10/07/2011 06:26

"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got

shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, beaten and

your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having

such a great time."



The young lad is very upset. "What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry..."



"Sorry? Sorry?" says his mum, "It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool

in the first place!"