Neg Nick "joke of the Week"

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
21/07/2011 07:23

A woman jumps into a cab, stark naked and asks the driver to take her to Putney.

The Cabbie looks in the mirror and says, "You are obviously naked and don't appear to be holding a purse. How the hell do you intend to pay?"

The woman seductively opens her legs and says," I thought that I could pay with this."

The Cabbie, still looking in the mirror replies," Haven't you got anything smaller?".

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
21/07/2011 10:15

The police came to my front door last night holding



a picture of my wife. They said "Is this your wife, sir?"



Shocked, I answered... "Yes." They said... "I'm afraid



it looks like she's been hit by a bus."



I said... "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
21/07/2011 10:15

My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she



was going out for a pint of milk and never came back!



I asked him how he was coping and he said...



"Not bad... I've been using that powdered stuff."

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
21/07/2011 14:42

I found a hole in my trainer that's big enough to insert my finger.







But now she's made a formal complaint I'm banned from the gym ...

Jonesy299


Joined: 07/02/2009
Posts: 367

Message Posted:
21/07/2011 14:48

Q: How many Fruedians does it take to change a lightbulb?



A: Two - one to change the lightbulb... and the other to hold my willy..er mother..LADDER!!

Jonesy299


Joined: 07/02/2009
Posts: 367

Message Posted:
21/07/2011 14:50

For Fruedian read 'Freudian'.. typo

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3533

Message Posted:
22/07/2011 01:13

I just put a clip of my wife parking on YouTube, you've got to see it!



She had 20 hits in the first minute alone.

Blackbird



Joined: 11/08/2009
Posts: 1432

Message Posted:
22/07/2011 01:26

Further to message 1:

A woman jumps into a cab, stark naked and asks the driver to take her to Putney.



The Cabbie looks in the mirror and says, "You are obviously naked and don't appear to be holding a purse. How the hell do you intend to pay?"



The woman seductively opens her legs and says," I thought that I could pay with this."



The Cabbie, still looking in the mirror replies," Haven't you got anything smaller?".

She said 'have you only got a small organ then'?

He replied, 'dunno - but it's never had to play in a Cathedral before'...

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
22/07/2011 16:47

Greece has received a 96 Billion Euro bail out...



Things can only get feta.    

BeeKeeper


Joined: 29/09/2009
Posts: 137

Message Posted:
22/07/2011 17:20

No1Doyen - that's cheesy.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
22/07/2011 17:35

In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink.



It had a single word on it: "Think!"



The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign, and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "Thoap!"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
22/07/2011 17:37

I am in the army and my sergeant said to me, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning!"



To which I replied, "Oh, thank you very much, sir!"    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
22/07/2011 17:40

I fell off a 50ft ladder yesterday... luckily I was on the bottom step.    

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
22/07/2011 17:41

by the sound of that joke it sounds like the ladder was upside down at the time..

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
22/07/2011 18:04

I apologise for the quality of that last joke. It was sent to me a few weeks ago by member Jock1

Tootie


Joined: 28/08/2008
Posts: 2037

Message Posted:
22/07/2011 18:13

The Greek government are stopping the production of taramasalata and humous in order to avoid a double dip recession.

Harold2555



Joined: 19/04/2008
Posts: 1139

Message Posted:
22/07/2011 18:25

A man walks into doctor's office, 'Help me, Help me! I'm addicted to Twitter!' Doctor says, 'Sorry, I don't follow you.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
22/07/2011 18:35

I'd heard that it was the in thing to convert two rooms into one, to increase living space.



What a load of rubbish, my living room is now 20 foot high but doesn't seem any roomier.    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
22/07/2011 18:38

NEWSFLASH: BT to cut 15,000 posts over the next year



......How will all the wires stay up?    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
22/07/2011 18:40

TRUE STORY!!!



Lisa Burnett 23, a resident of San Diego America, was visiting her in laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting there in her car with the windows rolled up and eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
22/07/2011 18:41

One customer who had noticed her went over and saw that her eyes were now open and looked strange. He asked if she was ok and Lisa had replied that she had been shot in the back of her head and was holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into her locked car as Lisa refused to take her hands away from the back of her head. 

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
22/07/2011 18:42

When they finally got in they found that Lisa had a wad of bread on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat and the loud sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough had hit her in the back of the head. When she reached back to find what it was she felt the dough and thought it was her brain. She passed out then later recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed her. 



Lisa is an American.

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
22/07/2011 19:52

http://www.snopes.com/crime/safety/biscuit.asp



Bill!

erolz


Joined: 17/11/2008
Posts: 3456

Message Posted:
22/07/2011 19:55

The power of the urban myth

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
22/07/2011 19:56

Gavin. I still think it's true. )

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
22/07/2011 19:57

he Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their

Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.



Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look

Towards sky, what you see? '



'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars'.



'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.



The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'



'You dumber than buffalo Shit. It means someone stole the tent.'

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
22/07/2011 23:02

NN The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding the prairie when Tonto stops his horse, gets down from the saddle onto his knees, places one ear to the ground, and soon shouts, "BUFFALO COME". The Lone Ranger asks "You hear them ?" and Tonto replies "No, ear stuck to ground" !

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
22/07/2011 23:25

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, A Rabbi, a priest, a Imam, God, Jesus, St Paul, a Welshman, a sheep and a duck all go into a pub.



The barman asks, "Is this some kind of joke?"    

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
22/07/2011 23:35

Did the bouncer let them all in without a tai ?

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3533

Message Posted:
23/07/2011 15:07

Post deleted , inapropriate and insensative !!

simbas

Jonesy299


Joined: 07/02/2009
Posts: 367

Message Posted:
23/07/2011 19:29

Phil



I sincerely hope a Norweigan ex-pat or holidaymaker meets you and asks you to repeat your funny joke again...

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3533

Message Posted:
23/07/2011 19:35

msg 31, turn off your tv (murdoch)

and leave the internet

if you don't want information

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3533

Message Posted:
23/07/2011 19:40

Right Jonesy 2bob, did you laugh at John Cleese

in Fawlty towers with "don't mention the germans" episode



I was told a joke last night by my afro american friend

it involved the "N" word







Edited for personal remark ...... Simbas

Jonesy299


Joined: 07/02/2009
Posts: 367

Message Posted:
24/07/2011 13:56

I just thought (in my personal view) the joke referring to the dreadful slaughter of almost 90 schoolchildren on a Norweigan summer camp was ill timed and in poor taste - you and your friends clearly think it is hilarious so we'll agree to disagree.

Fawkes


Joined: 18/07/2011
Posts: 86

Message Posted:
24/07/2011 14:00

Message 30 Disgusting

simbas



Joined: 16/07/2007
Posts: 5943

Message Posted:
24/07/2011 16:15

msg's 30 & 33 edited for reasons given

Simbas

EamonnMc


Joined: 18/06/2010
Posts: 1019

Message Posted:
24/07/2011 17:05

Well done Simbas, when a "joke" becomes a" sick joke" it should be put out of it's misery !

flamefabs


Joined: 09/07/2011
Posts: 193

Message Posted:
25/07/2011 08:38

A dyslexic mate just sent me a text telling me about a sudden death at an army warehouse in London

flamefabs


Joined: 09/07/2011
Posts: 193

Message Posted:
25/07/2011 08:41

Post edited for it's insensative nature ....... Simbas

simbas



Joined: 16/07/2007
Posts: 5943

Message Posted:
25/07/2011 08:47

msg39 , edited for reason given

Simbas

DoctorW


Joined: 28/11/2010
Posts: 334

Message Posted:
25/07/2011 10:10

Glen Campbell has just been diagnosed with alzheimers.



He's been getting cards and letters from people he dont even know.

DoctorW


Joined: 28/11/2010
Posts: 334

Message Posted:
25/07/2011 10:12

Woke up this morning and saw the ghost of Gloria Gaynor at the end of my bed.



First I was afraid - I was petrified.

flamefabs


Joined: 09/07/2011
Posts: 193

Message Posted:
25/07/2011 17:51

what sick joke ?





barry d

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3533

Message Posted:
26/07/2011 02:45

It was about norway

and the recent going ons





Google it it is allowed everywhere else

simbas



Joined: 16/07/2007
Posts: 5943

Message Posted:
26/07/2011 06:54

Msg 44 , just because it " is allowed everywhere else " doesn't make it right ,

Simbas

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
26/07/2011 06:56

people need to lighten up.........

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
26/07/2011 07:13

Local police hunting the "knitting needle nutter", who has stabbed six people in the bum in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Hoylemiller



Joined: 03/09/2010
Posts: 240

Message Posted:
26/07/2011 10:17

THE THING that strikes me about the appointment of a pedophiles to a

teaching post is, how shit must the other people at the interview have

been?



WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses?

Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to

MRSA outbreaks in no time.

EamonnMc


Joined: 18/06/2010
Posts: 1019

Message Posted:
26/07/2011 11:33

Msg 47,



Good one, Nick.