Seeing as NN doesnt post Joke of the week- Here is my first attempt!

PhilUK


Joined: 31/03/2010
Posts: 236

Message Posted:
25/08/2011 23:15

Two Irish builders (Patrick and Seamus) are seated either side of a

table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits

on a stool at the bar.



The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit



Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.



Seamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker.



Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!



The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer

gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet.



On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.



Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.

Pat: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were

wondering what you do for a living?



Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession



Pat: - Oh? What's that then?



Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ..... Do you have a goldfish at home?



Pat: - Er ... mmm ........ well yeah, I do as it happens!



Suit: - Well,

PhilUK


Joined: 31/03/2010
Posts: 236

Message Posted:
25/08/2011 23:18

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a

pond. Which is it?



Pat: - It's in a pond!



Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?



Pat: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.



Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you

have a large garden then you have a large house?



Pat: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ......... built it myself!



Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical

to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are

quite probably married? And with a family?



Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.



Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active

with your wife on a regular basis?



Pat: - Yep! Five times a week!



Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?



Pat: - Do what? Not me, mate!



Suit: - Well there you are! Th

PhilUK


Joined: 31/03/2010
Posts: 236

Message Posted:
25/08/2011 23:21

at's logical science at work!



Pat: - How's that then?



Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you

about your sex life!



Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!



Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.



Seamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?



Pat: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!



Seamus: - What's that then?



Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?



Seamus: - Nope



Pat: - Well then, you're a wanker

PhilUK


Joined: 31/03/2010
Posts: 236

Message Posted:
25/08/2011 23:29

oops- sorry about rude word at the end- I intended to blank it out,but forgot-but I guess we are all over 18

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3533

Message Posted:
25/08/2011 23:52

Crime in multi-storey car parks.





That is wrong on so many different levels.

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3533

Message Posted:
25/08/2011 23:54

My girlfriend invited me to her house. I found her sister alone in the house, she was unbelievably sexy and whispered in my ear, "I have feelings for you, shall we have sex?", I immediately turned around and walked to the front door to go to my car. I found my girlfriend standing there, she hugged me and said: You've won my trust - Moral of the story:







always keep your condoms in the car.

paddywack


Joined: 04/05/2009
Posts: 959

Message Posted:
25/08/2011 23:55

Yeah just like NN, racist Irish joke.

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3533

Message Posted:
26/08/2011

Nick nack paddy wack leave him alone

paddywack


Joined: 04/05/2009
Posts: 959

Message Posted:
26/08/2011 00:03

Msg 8,

Welcome back Nick.

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3533

Message Posted:
26/08/2011 00:05

Ironically, in exactly a year's time in London there will be hundreds of youth's running about trying to take either gold, silver or bronze and it will all be started with the single shot of a pistol.







Not Nick .but miss him

and the irony

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3533

Message Posted:
26/08/2011 00:11

So not to upset the pc bridgade

Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so try this one:





An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Jew, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African, all went to a night club.





The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you lot in without a Thai. "

PhilUK


Joined: 31/03/2010
Posts: 236

Message Posted:
26/08/2011 00:27

Are you suggesting my joke was racist? - you mean it was making fun of a bloke In a suit?

Are you anti suit?

EamonnMc


Joined: 18/06/2010
Posts: 1019

Message Posted:
26/08/2011 00:52

We have many things to be grateful to the English for... after all they invented the toilet seat.... but the Irish improved it by putting a hole in it !!!!

boroles


Joined: 28/11/2010
Posts: 93

Message Posted:
26/08/2011 04:11

6 foot plank thrown through window in Tottenham, Police say Peter Crouch is recovering well!



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My mate Paddy has just turned over Argos in Manchester. He's got 1500 catalogues if yer interested



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The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics will be just like any other Friday nigh in London, you'll hear a gunshot followed by eight blacks legging it



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Boots are reporting that after the looting of their shops throughout London, the only thing left on the shelves is fake tan

EamonnMc


Joined: 18/06/2010
Posts: 1019

Message Posted:
26/08/2011 12:26

Very good, Les.

bignobby


Joined: 13/01/2011
Posts: 46

Message Posted:
26/08/2011 12:47

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

Can you cry under water?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?



Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

boroles


Joined: 28/11/2010
Posts: 93

Message Posted:
26/08/2011 14:44

Spurs have just signed a new black Italian striker. Grabatelli





Police in London are to use a mixture of water and Persil in their cannons. That should stop the coloureds running



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Just seen Arsene Wenger on the TV looting a sports trophy shop



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Apparently a masked superhero double act were seen on the streets of Tottenham last night. Blackman and Robbing...

boroles


Joined: 28/11/2010
Posts: 93

Message Posted:
26/08/2011 14:58

I walked into a fancy dress shop and asked for a vampire outfit. The assistant came back with a full Spurs kit. I said 'I think you misunderstood me, I want to look like a count





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What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels comes alive when you add coke



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What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jeremy Clarkson? Jeremy Clarkson is still doing Top Gear

stockiefan


Joined: 04/05/2009
Posts: 574

Message Posted:
26/08/2011 15:27

A guy approached me the other day, he said is there a B & Q in Henly? I said no, theres an H an E an N an L and a Y

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
26/08/2011 15:29

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging

your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."



Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't

even at home yesterday.



----------------------------------------------------------------------

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Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going

to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got

pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I

went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.

Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?.

Paddy replies - I'm gunna take her with me!



----------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year".... Mick says

"Let's hope it's not the 13th."

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
26/08/2011 15:33

Paddy & Mick find three hand grenades, so they take them to a police

station. Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy:

"We'll lie and say we only found two."



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Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the

shampoo?" Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
26/08/2011 15:56

msg 19, i see that was voted the worst joke at the Edinburgh comedy festival, told by Paul Daniels

my favorite Paul Daniels joke is.

Why did Paul Daniels never saw Debbie Mcgee in half....cos he liked her hole...

or whole..

bignobby


Joined: 13/01/2011
Posts: 46

Message Posted:
26/08/2011 16:01

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a

> Xmas fancy dress party.

>

> He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden

> leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his

> problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a

> note:

>

> Dear Sir,

> Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted

> handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden

> leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is

> offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he

> writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he

> receives another parcel and note:

>

>

> Dear Sir,

> Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a

> monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and

> with your bald head you will really look the part. The man

> is really angry now, because the company

> has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing

> attention to his bald head. So

bignobby


Joined: 13/01/2011
Posts: 46

Message Posted:
26/08/2011 16:06

. So he writes a really strong

> letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small

> parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

>

>

> Dear Sir,

> Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

> We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald

> head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse

> and go as a toffee apple.

Ballyboffin


Joined: 25/08/2007
Posts: 903

Message Posted:
27/08/2011 00:47

PhilUK,



I'll look forward to your second one,,,,,,,, Yawn

PhilUK


Joined: 31/03/2010
Posts: 236

Message Posted:
27/08/2011 02:05

bally- bit harsh that, I was just trying to keep an old tradition going.

Although I will try again next week.

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3533

Message Posted:
27/08/2011 15:48

The bloke that got eaten by a shark on his honeymoon didn't suffer much .







He had only been married for a few days .

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
27/08/2011 16:06

What do you call a singing computer?



A dell.    

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3533

Message Posted:
27/08/2011 16:10

Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke. All I said was, "golly you're tall.".

Jonesy299


Joined: 07/02/2009
Posts: 367

Message Posted:
27/08/2011 17:56

Why not stop ripping jokes off 'sickipedia' or ' aarse' websites..??