More jokes to start the weekend off

boroles


Joined: 28/11/2010
Posts: 93

Message Posted:
03/09/2011 05:58

The UN has said that if they capture Gaddafi they will put him where he can do no harm to anyone – up front for Sunderland.



Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Bangkok Show, a spokesman said “We’ll struggle to get another man of the same calibre.”



Just been to the gym.

They’ve got a new machine in.

Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick.

It’s great though. It does everything – KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.



A wise man once said “You should treat your women the way you treat your hoover. When it stops sucking, change the old bag.”



100 people from Liverpool were asked today if they thought Britain should change its currency.

98% said no, they were happy with the Giro.

minertor



Joined: 14/02/2009
Posts: 1238

Message Posted:
03/09/2011 08:10

was laughing fit to burst at part one.............

then remembered I'm a Leeds fan.



T

ps

'ope "Larry" 'asn't read it, he'll be trying to sign 'im, or you.

boroles


Joined: 28/11/2010
Posts: 93

Message Posted:
03/09/2011 08:36

I’ve just watched the Simpsons and realised it’s a load of bollocks.

Who would put a load of funny yellow people in charge of running a nuclear power station?



Now he’s dead, they’re making a film of Eddie Stobart’s life story.

I’ve just seen the trailer.



Now Eddie Stobart’s dead they’ve found out that he was HGV positive.



The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries!



Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.

I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

EamonnMc


Joined: 18/06/2010
Posts: 1019

Message Posted:
03/09/2011 14:30

Well done, Boroles, a lot of them are quite amusing !

mikelapta



Joined: 20/11/2008
Posts: 2186

Message Posted:
03/09/2011 14:37

The Science teacher had 4 live worms,and he put one in a test tube of alcohol,another in a test tube of tobacco smoke,third in a test tube of liquid chocolate.and the last one in freshly dug earth.

After an hour the first three were dead,only the one in earth was still wriggling.



And the moral of the story:









Drink,smoke,eat chocolate.......and you won't get worms !!!!

Carndi


Joined: 12/06/2009
Posts: 613

Message Posted:
03/09/2011 14:46

My budgie broke its leg yesterday and I made some splints out of red head matches.

You should have seen it's little face light up when he tried to walk.

mikelapta



Joined: 20/11/2008
Posts: 2186

Message Posted:
03/09/2011 14:55

Couple watching TV.The husband had the remote and kept on switching from a porn to a fishing channel.



His wife was getting annoyed,looked at him,and said,for God's sake,leave it on the porn channel.....



You know how to fish !!!!!!!!

Lufc1



Joined: 16/11/2010
Posts: 46

Message Posted:
03/09/2011 15:27

MSG 2

Tony, dont worry Larry will bring in another batch of on loans next week,

early doors yet still

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
03/09/2011 15:30

Whenever I'm in Italy I become a rickety old table.



I guess I'm just a hopeless Rome antique.    

boroles


Joined: 28/11/2010
Posts: 93

Message Posted:
03/09/2011 15:30

Guy walks up to a fat chick in a bar and asks "have you got a pen?".She smiles sweetly and says "yes". So he says "well you better get back in it before your farmer discovers you're out!"



I walked into my bedroom the other day with a sheep under my arm and said “this is the pig I sh@g when you have a headache!!” my wife then opened her mouth to say “you idiot that’s a sheep not a pig!!!” I just looked at her and said “I was talking to the sheep”

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
03/09/2011 15:39

I've just watched a movie where Michael J Fox goes back in time to kill Hitler.



It's called 'back to the fuhrer'    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
03/09/2011 15:43

"Doctor doctor, I'm morbidly obese."



"Okay, take 5 seats and I'll be with you in a minute"    

boroles


Joined: 28/11/2010
Posts: 93

Message Posted:
04/09/2011 10:26

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.



Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak



Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.



Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?



A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."



You're never too old to learn something stupid.