rip off on ebay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

hardrocker:)


Joined: 27/11/2010
Posts: 96

Message Posted:
27/09/2011 13:52

my friend spent 50 pounds on a penis enlarger on ebay and they sent him a magnifiying glass :P

hardrocker:)


Joined: 27/11/2010
Posts: 96

Message Posted:
27/09/2011 14:00

do you have any cool jokes

simbas



Joined: 16/07/2007
Posts: 5943

Message Posted:
27/09/2011 14:14

Not as cool as yours :(

Simbas

cooper


Joined: 23/10/2007
Posts: 3386

Message Posted:
27/09/2011 14:23

They must have seen him coming

schnib


Joined: 24/05/2008
Posts: 101

Message Posted:
27/09/2011 14:45

Crystal balls then?

hardrocker:)


Joined: 27/11/2010
Posts: 96

Message Posted:
27/09/2011 20:58

don't know have to ask him

hardrocker:)


Joined: 27/11/2010
Posts: 96

Message Posted:
27/09/2011 20:59

any old joke will do, if you know any

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
27/09/2011 21:31

Coops, that was funny. ) ) )

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
27/09/2011 21:38

I've just text my wife:



'Just booked us a 5 day Mediterranean cruise. We go in 6 weeks time xxx'



She text back:



'Nice! But I wish it could be twice as long xxx'



So I just phoned the travel agents and changed it, now we're going in 12 weeks time.

mikey53


Joined: 21/08/2011
Posts: 91

Message Posted:
27/09/2011 22:30

I said to my wife, who as it happens we have'nt been loving for a long time, that I've won The Lottery she said in a very vindictive voice I'm taking you for half of it and leaving with my Toy boy lover as soon as I can get my hands on that money, so being an agreeable sort of bloke that I am, I said here is your fiver now f*ck off ...

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
27/09/2011 22:51

For my appearance on the dating show Blind Date, I decided to make my questions a little more difficult because I was tired of the stereotypical dumb bimbos you always find on the show.



Me: "To all 3 girls, what is Pi to 5 decimal places?"



Girl 1: "Oh, I dont like pie, sorry."



Girl 2: "I dont know, but I have 34DD's, and if you pick me, maybe I'll let you eat my pie big boy"



Girl 3: "That's too easy. Pi to 10 decimal places is 3.1415926536, and it is most commonly used to calculate the circumference of circles and spheres"



Me: "At last! A girl on here with half a brain cell!"



Cilla Black: "So which girl are you going for?"



"Girl 2 please Cilla."

    

sienna


Joined: 09/01/2009
Posts: 1627

Message Posted:
27/09/2011 22:53

how about 12 peckers in your pants



http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2042474/Traveller-arrested-trying-smuggle-live-HUMMINGBIRDS-special-pouches-sewn-pants.html

Ralph96



Joined: 01/07/2008
Posts: 531

Message Posted:
28/09/2011 06:51

How much would 12 humming birds be worth?

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
28/09/2011 07:15

Four times as much as Destiny's Child?

elko2



Joined: 24/07/2007
Posts: 4400

Message Posted:
28/09/2011 09:30

About forty years ago an event in France hit the headlines. A person advertised for good Advice on Sex for a small fee. Someone who fell for it paid the asking fee and he got his advice in print: "Leave it alone". The buyer was not amused and sued the seller and the court found the seller guilty.



If I was the judge I might have thought otherwise, it was a very good advice after all

ismet

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
28/09/2011 10:28

Ismet, that's because those who leave sex alone end up being the last of their dynasty...

hardrocker:)


Joined: 27/11/2010
Posts: 96

Message Posted:
28/09/2011 13:43

classic jokes im loving them :D keep them coming

hardrocker:)


Joined: 27/11/2010
Posts: 96

Message Posted:
28/09/2011 13:48

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.



“Mother, where do babies come from?”



The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”



The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.



“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”



“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

hardrocker:)


Joined: 27/11/2010
Posts: 96

Message Posted:
28/09/2011 13:53

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.



The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of whisky; it's given to him and he's locked away.

The Irishman asks for a year's supply of Guinness so he's locked up with several thousand bottles of it.

The Englishman asks for a year's supply of cigarettes and he's given a pile of cartons and the cell door is shut on him.

One year later, the doors are all unlocked.



The Scotsman staggers out and shouts, 'I'm free!' and then keels over dead from alcohol poisoning.

The Irishman is dragged out into the light, whereupon he promptly dies of liver failure.

When the door to the Englishman's cell is opened, everybody watches eagerly to see what sort of a wreck the man has made of himself.



To their surprise, he walks right out the door, sidles up to the first p

hardrocker:)


Joined: 27/11/2010
Posts: 96

Message Posted:
28/09/2011 13:56

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'



The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'



The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'



The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'



The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'

mikey53


Joined: 21/08/2011
Posts: 91

Message Posted:
28/09/2011 19:25

What do you call a pig with three eyes ?? A piiig...

TheBlackOlive


Joined: 06/04/2008
Posts: 755

Message Posted:
30/09/2011 13:49

abosulutely hilarious :D

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
30/09/2011 15:14

Didn't want to believe the stories about my dad stealing from lollipop men, but when I went to see him all the signs were there.

hardrocker:)


Joined: 27/11/2010
Posts: 96

Message Posted:
01/10/2011 14:28

a man walks into a bar "ouch"

noiseboy


Joined: 16/08/2011
Posts: 16

Message Posted:
01/10/2011 15:40

i went to the gym the other day and asked to the trainer what machine could i use to impress the beautiful blonde over there?

He looked at me and replied Try the cash machine outside the front door you fat B.........d

hardrocker:)


Joined: 27/11/2010
Posts: 96

Message Posted:
01/10/2011 18:51

2 blondes accidently lock thier key in the car. so try to open it with a piece of wire, then it starts raining and one of the blonde says hurry up its started to rain and the other blonde says it doesnt matter its a convertible..

hardrocker:)


Joined: 27/11/2010
Posts: 96

Message Posted:
09/10/2011 22:55

whats the difference between an oven and a woman?? an oven doesn't scream when you stick a piece of meat in it.... (this one is for the men no offence to any of you women out there

hardrocker:)


Joined: 27/11/2010
Posts: 96

Message Posted:
11/10/2011 20:22

hey hey

daisythedog


Joined: 17/07/2009
Posts: 73

Message Posted:
11/10/2011 21:21

Great posts! best laugh I've had in ages, especially msg 18, but hey what happened to the punch line for msg 19???

hardrocker:)


Joined: 27/11/2010
Posts: 96

Message Posted:
17/10/2011 12:06

the punchline for message 19 didnt come through properly here it is: To their surprise, he walks right out the door, sidles up to the first person he see's and asks ''excuse me, is thier any chance you have a lighter.

mikelapta



Joined: 20/11/2008
Posts: 2186

Message Posted:
17/10/2011 12:32

"2 monkeys were in the bath.



1 says "oo ooo aaa ee "



The other says "why don't you put cold water in?"

Hoylemiller



Joined: 03/09/2010
Posts: 240

Message Posted:
17/10/2011 13:28

I was in the pub celebrating my 100 million quid lottery win when my ex-wife stormed in and shouted "i want at least half"

"Sure dear thats the least i can do".

She said "what are you serious? oh thank you, thank you so much"

I said "alright love calm down. Is it Fosters or Carling"?

ruggy


Joined: 02/05/2009
Posts: 757

Message Posted:
17/10/2011 13:50

My Budgie broke his legs the other day so i made him a pair of crutches from Swan Vesta matches, you should have seen his little face light up when he started to walk !!!

Teamcharms



Joined: 26/06/2008
Posts: 126

Message Posted:
17/10/2011 14:20

My wife won the Euro Millions jackpot last night and was up and out so early this morning I didn't even hear her leave .....



I expect she out getting me something really nice

hardrocker:)


Joined: 27/11/2010
Posts: 96

Message Posted:
19/10/2011 08:23

why did the hedgehog cross the road?? to see his flat mate

TheBlackOlive


Joined: 06/04/2008
Posts: 755

Message Posted:
21/10/2011 14:26

great laugh hahahaha absolutely hilarious