A joke to put NN's to shame

tattlad


Joined: 13/12/2008
Posts: 479

Message Posted:
29/09/2011 16:38

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT. THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUT

tattlad


Joined: 13/12/2008
Posts: 479

Message Posted:
29/09/2011 16:44

INTO HIS SHORTS.. SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD. ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'. 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE. 'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED. BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN!

wattys


Joined: 07/10/2008
Posts: 278

Message Posted:
29/09/2011 17:11

My wifes sister sat on my glasses and broke them earlier. I was really pissed off: then I thought to myself, to be fair it was my fault for leaving them on

Pipie


Joined: 05/01/2008
Posts: 5499

Message Posted:
29/09/2011 18:06

What has happened to NN ?

mikelapta



Joined: 20/11/2008
Posts: 2186

Message Posted:
29/09/2011 18:57

I think the mods finally moderated him...or he's found out what to do with Thai birds

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
30/09/2011 03:56

Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez.



It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after

nicola


Joined: 06/09/2011
Posts: 246

Message Posted:
08/10/2011 08:37

Post deleted - as per the rules.

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
08/10/2011 09:32

Glasgow pub quiz....



And the final question to win the £1000 is:



Take That's first album consisted of four words,

the first two were "Take That" so what were the second two?



There was a long pause then a wee Glesga man stands up and says:







Was it - "Ya Bastard"...?

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
08/10/2011 09:42

Paddy tells Mick, "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow."

Mick says, "I had that done when I was only a few days old."

Paddy asks "Does it hurt?"

Mick says, "Well, I couldn't walk for 18 months!"

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
08/10/2011 09:43

I just saw a bloke behind the wheel of a car whilst eating a tub of ice cream with chocolate sauce, chopped nuts, sprinkles, whipped cream and topped with a maraschino cherry.........











Bloody Sundae drivers!

Pipie


Joined: 05/01/2008
Posts: 5499

Message Posted:
08/10/2011 10:03

Nice to have him back !!!

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
08/10/2011 10:10

mess 11 - i'm not back !



the trnc is too much of a shit tip for me to want to have anything to do with it..................





was just passing through..........







sorry to hear about Groucho's demise.....

Jonesy299


Joined: 07/02/2009
Posts: 367

Message Posted:
08/10/2011 13:53

Bloke sat down in his living room and his wife sat opposite him and uncrossed her legs.

"Blimey! What's that" he said

She smiled and said "Ah! You've noticed I'm wearing crotchless panties tonight"

He said "Thank God for that.. I thought you had sat on the cat!"

nicola


Joined: 06/09/2011
Posts: 246

Message Posted:
08/10/2011 13:58

Post deleted - as per the rules

Hoylemiller



Joined: 03/09/2010
Posts: 240

Message Posted:
08/10/2011 14:20

You Know you're Barnsley if...



You identify a Sheffield accent as "Southern".

You learned to drive a Reliant Robin before the training wheels were off your bike.

You need a passport to go to Leeds.

Eastern Promise is a blind date in Doncaster.

You think there should be a "Southern puff, go home" bumper sticker on every car north of Sheffield.

You are unaware there is a legal drinking age.

You have more fishing poles than teeth...

The major question when the Barnsley Chronicle runs a restaurant review is "Whats a restaurant?"

The rest of the review is about how Barnsley got all cosmopolitan when Burtons sold out to Ronald McDonald

You judge a cafe by its black pudding and gravy.

You visit another town and they "claim" to have Barnsley Chop -- but you know better.

gooligan


Joined: 30/01/2007
Posts: 1591

Message Posted:
08/10/2011 14:57

And you still have a 'coil hoil'

mikelapta



Joined: 20/11/2008
Posts: 2186

Message Posted:
08/10/2011 15:51

to my old friend Nicola....only posting for a month and you know about my spats with NN.

Reiincarnation springs to mind !!!!Not many left here,or back here since Guido's closed



Hey,I thought you liked me before !!!!



Nah,after Wales's win today,and someone else'sdefeat,I welcome the hand of friendship to NN.

Well to his little Thai friends

nicola


Joined: 06/09/2011
Posts: 246

Message Posted:
08/10/2011 16:13

I was referring to your spiteful remark about NN and the thai girls on this very thread but if you want to include your 'spats' with NN....



Post edited - as per the rules.

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
08/10/2011 17:21

A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. "Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He'll be so pissed if it's not ready on time."



When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf. She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it. "Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day?"



Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it, and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed!?



Two months later, her husband died. T

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
08/10/2011 17:23

Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him!

We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the windowsill while he was licking his arse."

kittyfun


Joined: 11/04/2011
Posts: 181

Message Posted:
08/10/2011 19:09

NN you are the s**t ho*e and you just past thru lol

Like wind keep passing

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
11/10/2011 23:44

I hear the new Mrs McCartney is heir to a trucking fortune.



She'll have something in common with his daughters then