Joke: nearby cemetery

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 15:49

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'



Paddy says 'Whats his name?'



Mick replies 'Miles from London!'

Declaration:

No offence to Irish, Scottish, Enlgish, Men, Women, Dog's, Cat's or dead people.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 16:04

Paddy the Kerryman died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Seamus and Seanin (Also Kerrymen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Seanin in to identify the body. Seanin took a look at him and said, "Yup he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Seanin looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Seanin said, "Well, Paddy had two assholes." "What, he had two assholes?" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two assholes...."

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 16:06

Trust you to outjoke my joke! LOl

Coachie



Joined: 29/07/2008
Posts: 2135

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 16:53

....foreman on a building site shouts

"Paddy,phone call for you " Paddy dashes over picks up the phone and after afew seconds puts it down and breaks into tears.

"Whats up Paddy" asks the foreman

"Me dad has just died"says Paddy

"Go over to the canteen and have a cup of tea and then clock off and go home"says the Foreman.Just as Paddy has left the foreman shouts him back

"Another phone call for you paddy"

Paddy picks up the phone and after few seconds breaks down in tears.

"whats up now Paddy"asks the foreman

"That was my brother and his dads died as well".......

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 17:17

Very good Coachie, LOL

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 18:43

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick eejits like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the sh*t out of you if I could swim!'

mikelapta



Joined: 20/11/2008
Posts: 2186

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 18:43

Great jokes,I can't type without laughing,see if I can get near........

Paddy fell off the stool at the bar.Mick,the landlord shouts "Paddy get home,your'e pissed.Paddy crawled along the floor,lifted himself to open the pub door,collapsed again,made his way up along the road on all fours.Found his house,collapsed on the living room floor.

Next morning Mick phoned.Paddy's wife answers."Is Paddy OK?He had a skinfull last night?"

"Why do you say that?"she enquires .

"He left his wheelchair here!!!"

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 18:44

Winston & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour's dog is barking like mad in the garden. winston says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.



He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'



Winston replies 'I've put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 18:46

Very good Mike Lol

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 18:47

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didn't even know they had mobile phones!'

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 18:48

Winston's chat up lines:



1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!

2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!

3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just can't hold it in!



4. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 18:52

If you like these you should see the one I posted on Nige's site, about a harley Davison, was too long to put on here.

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 18:55

From The Courts......



ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

_________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the

impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY:

This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY:

And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of

something you forgot?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that

morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 18:58

Ferguson the blacksmith came in with a badly damaged foot. The doctor was surprised, for Ferguson was a careful man. "What happened to you, Paddy?" he asked. "Well, thirty-three years ago I was a young apprentice with Twomey of Ballinanaspickbuidhe......"



"But about your foot.....?" "This is about me foot. Twomey had a daughter and your eyes could gaze on her like the way a bullock would eat good grass. The first night I was there she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable and if I wanted anything and I said I didn't. The next night she came in when I was in bed and she wearing her nightdress and she asked me if there was any single thing she could get me or do for me and I told her I was as comfortable as a bug in a rug.



"The next night she came in and the girl hadn't a thing on her and she asked me if she could do anything for me and not wanting to keep her standing in the cold and she without a shift I said there was nothing."



"What has that got to do w

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 18:59

"What has that got to do with your foot, Ferguson?" asked the doctor impatiently. "Sure it was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant and I was so annoyed with meself that I threw me ten-pound hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle."

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 18:59

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his

sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you sh*tt'in me?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 19:04

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you sh*tt'in me? Your

Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to

a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 19:05

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 19:12

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you

performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Would you like to rephrase that?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral,

OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering

why I was doing an autopsy on him!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 19:15

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whisky. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.



He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'



Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!'

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 19:16

Is this a joke Marathon? LOL

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 19:16

And

the best for last: ---



ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check

for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,

nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

practicing law.

Coachie



Joined: 29/07/2008
Posts: 2135

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 20:00

Paddy and mick murphy apply for a job on a building site. The foreman says

"I have heard about you two ,so I am splitting you up"

"Mick 14th floor.Paddy 7th floor" Off they go to there allocated floors.

Every thing is going fine for acouple of days then there is this horrible scream.

Paddy turns round to see Mick hurtling down to what is certain death.

At the inquest the coroner after listening to all the evidence brings in a verdict of accidental death,to which Paddy immediately objects to.

The coroner asks Paddy for his reason.

" Your honour Mick died of a venereal disease" says Paddy

"Come come MrMurphy your brother fell 14 storeys and after hitting the floor there were not many bones in his body that were not broken,so where do you get your venereal disease cause from"

"As he went hurtling past me on the 7th floor he yelled...Im a gonnerhere PAddy".......

arrry



Joined: 19/08/2008
Posts: 1235

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 20:54

Vicki



Have you been reading the Beano AGAIN !!

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 20:57

Bunty, Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 20:59

It's a jokeathon!

mikelapta



Joined: 20/11/2008
Posts: 2186

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 21:04

Lol.which airline?do they fly from ercan?

corbytown


Joined: 05/08/2008
Posts: 327

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 21:12

Dwarf with a lisp goes to a stud farm to buy a horse,



"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.



"What sort of horse ?" asks the owner.



"A female horth", the dwarf replies and so the owner takes him to his finest

mare.



"Nithe horth", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyth?".



The owner patiently picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's eyes.



"Nithe eyth" says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?".



Again, the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth.



"Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.



By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again,picks up the dwarf and

shows him the horse's ears.



"Nithe eerth", says the dwarf, "Can I see her twot?"



With this, the owner picks up the dwarf and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina and holds him there for a few seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.



The dwarf shakes his head and says,



"Perhaps I should weefwaze that, can I see her wun a

corbytown


Joined: 05/08/2008
Posts: 327

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 21:23

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she Had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key Under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll Mail you a check."



"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you.

But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"



"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"



When the repairman arrived at Wanda 's apartment the following day, he

Discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen.

But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the

Repairman go about his work.



The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant

Yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and

yelled,



"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"



To which the parrot replied, "Get him Spike”

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 21:25

A dwarf get's made redundant from his office job, on his way home that evening a woman bumps into him knocking him flying, "I am terribly, terribly sorry, I can't opologise enough" says the woman, "I'm not happy" says the dwarf "oh, which one are you then"? replies the woman.





Think about it................................................................................Seven dwarfs!!! do I have to explain everything?

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 21:28

Was thee parrot called Makaosy?.......................................hmmmm

corbytown


Joined: 05/08/2008
Posts: 327

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 21:30

A man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice.



The therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion;



"Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That will help your wife fantasize, and should bring on a full-blown orgasm."



They go home and follow the therapist's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated.



Perplexed, they go back to the therapist "Okay" he says, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."



Once again,

corbytown


Joined: 05/08/2008
Posts: 327

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 21:31

Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming, orgasm.



Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him triumphantly....

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"NOW THAT'S how you wave a f ***ing towel, son!!"

arrry



Joined: 19/08/2008
Posts: 1235

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 21:48

Your villa will be finished on time sir !!!!!! No problem

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 21:52

So this is were you are Arrry, been shouting you! and here you are amusing yourself! LOL

arrry



Joined: 19/08/2008
Posts: 1235

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 21:55

Stuck in my truck for the night so i need something or someone to amuse me lol

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 21:58

You have a lap top in your truck? and where are you?

arrry



Joined: 19/08/2008
Posts: 1235

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 22:17

I am in a lovely place called Cherwell Valley. Which is not so nice cos it's a motorway services near Oxford.Run out of time so i'm stuck here all on my own !!!!!

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 22:25

What a lonely life it must be being a truck driver, well have a good laugh at the jokes, and go to Nige's site as there is a joke on their, and it is realy funny, called Harley Davison.

arrry



Joined: 19/08/2008
Posts: 1235

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 22:28

Vicki can you give me the address for Nige's site. I haven't used it on my laptop yet so it's not on my favourites



cheers babe

arrry



Joined: 19/08/2008
Posts: 1235

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 22:46

icki



You're an angel, got it on my favourites now

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
28/11/2008 22:47

Or it could simply be http://www.phpbb3now.com

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
29/11/2008 13:54

'The prime minister held a meeting with the cabinet today. He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the chest of drawers.



Lets all lighten up, it's the weekend.

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
29/11/2008 20:09

What the heck is going on? I go out for the day, come home and make dinner, log on here and everything's changed! someones added "nearby Cemetrey" to my thread name, does that sound like a joke to anyone?

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
29/11/2008 20:12

You've been MODDIED (moderated)

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
29/11/2008 20:16

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners.



She places a garment on the counter.



"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.



"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.



"No" she replies.



"This time it's mayonnaise."

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
29/11/2008 20:18

Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.



The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."



She says "I'll take the red one."



The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher." :-0

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
29/11/2008 20:19

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding.



The paramedics soon arrive on site.



Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"



Girl: "OK"



Medic: "What's your name?"



Girl: "Sharon."



Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"



Sharon: "Yes."



Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"



Sharon: "Romford, mate."

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
29/11/2008 20:21

An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang.



It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her,



"Treacle, I just heard on the news



that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13.



Please be careful!"



"It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl...................







"There's f*cking hundreds of them!"

Arthur


Joined: 04/11/2008
Posts: 687

Message Posted:
29/11/2008 20:36

DUBLIN NEWS AT TEN



Newscaster- "A two seater light aircraft crashed into a cemetery on the outskirts of Dublin today. Fire, Police and Ambulance were immediately mobilised and rescue workers started the process of recovering the casualties. As dusk started to fall, eighty seven bodies had been recovered, with many more still expected to be found.................................................."

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
29/11/2008 21:25

I can't believe..............................................oh! wev'e moved on from my moan, just had dinner, good jokes you two, noticed no woman (apart from me) post's jokes, strane that!

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
29/11/2008 21:34

Strange that!

eager


Joined: 23/02/2007
Posts: 1272

Message Posted:
29/11/2008 21:39

Paddy goes into a craft shop, inside he sees 3 lifesize wooden cut-outs,

one was of an english man

one was of a welsh man

the other one was of a scotsman

Hey he says to the shopkeeper, thats racist, why dont you have one of an irishman?

The shopkeeper says...

Sorry sir, but we could"nt find a piece of wood thick enough.



+

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
29/11/2008 21:41

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

eager


Joined: 23/02/2007
Posts: 1272

Message Posted:
29/11/2008 21:49

Glad you like it !!

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
29/11/2008 21:55

So why don't woman post jokes? anyone know?

arrry



Joined: 19/08/2008
Posts: 1235

Message Posted:
29/11/2008 22:03

Vicki

You're just one of the lads lol

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
29/11/2008 22:11

Arrry I thought you had defected, Lol, you out in your truck tonight?

arrry



Joined: 19/08/2008
Posts: 1235

Message Posted:
29/11/2008 22:13

Sat in front of tele watching Real Madrid getting beat. And a pint of cider in my hand .Better than last night.

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
29/11/2008 22:37

One question IQ Test



Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day......



There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.



Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?



Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer..........

























He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of Sunglasses".























If you got this wrong -- please turn off your computer and call it a day. I've got mine shutting down right now. (You know you missed it too, so shut down your computer)

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
29/11/2008 22:43

Ah!, but what if the sales assistant is deaf????????????

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
29/11/2008 23:05

Could be worse, he could've been blind,

Then .......... NO JOKE :-(





Einstein the parrot, link, this is good



http://www.gratis-ting.dk/ny/spilfilm/vis.php?id=3857

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
29/11/2008 23:28

A wee Glesga woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby,

checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal,

and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed," she replied.

Well, strip down to your waist,"

the doctor ordered. She did.

He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts

for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed he said,

"No wonder this baby is under weight.

You don't have any milk !"

I know," she said,

"ah'm his Granny, but I'm glad I came!"

Lemtich



Joined: 15/02/2007
Posts: 1487

Message Posted:
29/11/2008 23:41

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.



They managed to bag 6 of them!



As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.



The two lads objected strongly. 'Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.'



Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.



However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.



Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.



After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, 'Any idea where we are?'



Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'



Lem

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
30/11/2008 00:31

A mother was working in the kitchen,

listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new

electric train in the living room.



She heard the train stop and her son saying,



"All of you bäst@rds who want off, get the hell off now,

'cause this is the last stop!

And all of you bäst@rds who are getting on,

get your äss in the train,

Cause we're going down the tracks."



The horrified mother went in and told her son,

"We don't use that kind of language in this house.



Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.

When you come out, you may play with your train,

but I want you to use nice language."



Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom

and resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say..................

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
30/11/2008 00:33

"All passengers who are disembarking the train,

please remember to take all of your belongings with you.



We thank you for travelling with us today

and hope your trip was a pleasant one."



She hears the little boy continue,



"For those of you just boarding,

we ask you to store all of your hand luggage under your seat.

remember, there is no smoking on the train.

We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."



As the mother began to smile, the child added,







"For those of you who are p*ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay,



please direct your complaints to the fat b*tch in the kitchen."

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
30/11/2008 08:12

Britvic



"Ah!, but what if the sales assistant is deaf?"



I think he would have found the idiot who hired the sales assistant and given him/her a good slap!

japal


Joined: 12/08/2008
Posts: 89

Message Posted:
30/11/2008 08:26

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into her local supermarket with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, " Good morning and welcome, nice children you`ve got there. Are they twins"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren`t. The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think the`re twins? Do you really think they look alike,you d**khead?".

"Asolutely not" replies the greeter, " I just can`t believe anyone would shag you twice".

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
30/11/2008 08:53

Can you please refrain from trying to be funny, thats the problem with this forum nobody is taking it serious anymore, you must remember there is married men and sailors who read this and you are probably making them blush.

So if you dont stop it i will start my own forum and the main topic will be about knitting, recipes, and the social economic outlook in outer Mongolia.

Why cant you talk about doilies frilly lace things oh oh and sweet little puppy's you lot should be ashamed of yourself's...........

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
30/11/2008 09:07

Hi jock1



Or HAGGIS & NEEPS and a wee dram.



Happy St Andrews day

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
30/11/2008 09:17

Thanks navek i forgot until you reminded me. Just about to go out and wake up the neighbours with my trusty bagpipes, they wont know what hit them, should be a laugh...........

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
30/11/2008 09:19

Jock is sitting reading his Daily Record newspaper when his wife

sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

Whit wis that fur?" he cries.

"That wis for the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets

with the name Mary-Rose written oan it," said she.

Don't be daft," he explains, "two weeks ago

when I went to the races Mary-Rose

wis the name of one o' the horses I bet on."

She seems satisfied and apologises,

and goes off to do work around the house.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading

when she nails him again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he comes around, he says,

"whit the hell wis that fur?"







"Your horse phoned!" she said.

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
30/11/2008 09:22

Aye that would be my NAG...............

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
30/11/2008 09:51

Hi Jock1.

Got the nag at work, on video,

just sent it to you,

if your going to look,

don't get caught

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
30/11/2008 10:06

Nice one navek, bet everybody wishes they could see it..........

Well yir no cos navek is ma new mate so there....

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
30/11/2008 13:23

Well the neighbours all loved the pipes was even given a few drams......

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
30/11/2008 14:47

Hi Jock1,



I'll be over shortly,



Is it Haggis and Neeps an' a wee dram tae swallie?



Followed by......



Pint of Tennants and a wee

Drambuie chaser for me



Crisps and nuts on the side,

and a nice cigar.



http://www.drambuie.com/



Have a great St Andrews Day



Navek

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
30/11/2008 15:41

msg 70 LOL, there is too much P.C going on around here.................................................Now knitting, you need 2 needles, and some wool................................

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 13:24

How do you confuse an irishman?









Give him 2 shovels and ask him to take his pick

Tiggy


Joined: 25/07/2007
Posts: 1994

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 13:42

Terrorist bomb goes off in London and two friends are injured.



Steve shouts......"I have lost my legs"......his mate Arthur reply's......"No you haven't, they are over here"



Sick joke. This one was doing the rounds in London some years back. I have changed the names. Never considered it to be in the least funny but a lot of people did.

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 14:04

Why did the dinosaur walk across the road? Because chickens were not invented yet.

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 15:42

EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.



"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."



Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.



The gene pool could use a little chlorine.



Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.



He who laughs last thinks slowest!



Give me ambiguity or give me something else.



A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 01:11

Two Paddies out shooting rabbits.

Suddenly, they see a Paki hang gliding.

So they start to shoot f*ck out of it.

Mick says, “What the f*ck was that”?

Pat says “Don’t know, but it sure didn’t let go

of that f**ckin’ Paki

stewy


Joined: 18/10/2008
Posts: 279

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 01:15

Not keen on the racism there Navek.Not funny.

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 01:24

Sorry no offence meant,

Wasn't aimed at anyone,

Just the glider!

stewy


Joined: 18/10/2008
Posts: 279

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 02:01

Words like Paki should be substituted by moderator.

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 02:05

So stewy,



So why, in your joke, did Mable have to be BLACK ?



And the Welsh...



An Englishman goes into a pub in Cardiff, goes up to the bar and orders a pint of lager.



"You're not from round here are you?" asks the barman.



"No" replies the Englishman feeling all the men in the pub are staring at him.



"What do you do for a living?" the barman continues.



"I'm Taxidermist" replies the Englishman... "I stuff animals"



"Its ok lads!" the barman shouts "He's one of us!"



And cows?



Two cows are standing in a field, talking to each other. One cow says, "Hey, aren't you worried about getting that mad cow disease everyone is talking about?"



The other cow says, "Why should I ? I'm a chicken."

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 02:07

Two old landed gentry are out shooting deer,

After having a few too many



Suddenly, they see a hang glider.

Never having seen or heard of such a thing,



Cedric says, “my goodness, what is that by jingo”?

Both of them fire off as many rounds as they can,

The poor hang glider does his best to steer his bullet-riddled glider to safety



Archibald says, “I don’t know, but it sure didn’t let go

Of that young Stewy

AlsancakJack



Joined: 14/08/2008
Posts: 5762

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 02:15

stewy

"Words like Paki should be substituted by moderator."

Why? Read the BB rules especially 'Freedom of speech'

If you think a posting violates Cyprus44 rules then the moderators would only be too happy to edit or delete the posting.

AJ

gardenmaker


Joined: 01/09/2008
Posts: 170

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 09:34

breaking news after years of investigation the yanks have found that 9_11 was not the muslims at all it was the irish pat and mick were on the 44th floor hanging doors but one was to big so mick said to pat go and get a PLANE and take the top off

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 14:50

Meanwhile back at the ranch .....



How many irishman does it take to change a lightbulb?



five



One to hold the lightbulb,and 4 to turn him round

stewy


Joined: 18/10/2008
Posts: 279

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 16:52

Just do not like the word Paki.



Just a derogatory word. Sounds too racist.

Jokes about the Welsh are fine. So are Irish jokes.The abbreviation Paki acquired offensive connotations in the 1960s when used by British tabloids to refer to subjects of former colony states in a derogatory and racist manner. In modern British usage "Paki" is typically used in a derogatory way as a label for all South Asians, including Indians, Afghans and Bangladeshis. To a lesser extent, the term has been applied as a racial slur towards Arabs and other Middle Eastern-looking groups who may resemble South Asians.

rsalih


Joined: 01/11/2008
Posts: 306

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 17:08

just heard this...................................................... >Why do woman have smaller feet than men................................................................................................................................... So they can be nearer the kitchen sink.... ...

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 17:50

Stewy, woukd you prefer Pakistani? this is a Country, I think it is only shortened because you can, you couldn't, shorten England, wales, Ireland, it would just sound daft. Two Eng's were sitting at a bar...........................no I don't think so

stewy


Joined: 18/10/2008
Posts: 279

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 20:01

Yes Pakistani is fine.



Paki or Pakki is very insulting.



To answer an earlier post, black is fine too. But wog nigger coon etc are not fine. They are like paki, derogatory and insulting.

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 20:05

Don't write them then! you could have said "like so many other derogatory words"

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 20:35

stewy,



So Kaffir, kaffer or kafir, which once was a blanket term for black southern Africans.

Is that OK, must have been a common expression in your younger days?

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 20:52

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise......



I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:



I do physical labour.



I work at great depths.



I plunge headfirst into everything I do.



I do not get weekends or public holidays off.



I work in a damp environment.



I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.



I work in high temperatures.



My work exposes me to contagious diseases.



Sincerely,



P. Niss

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 21:01

The Response:

Dear P. Niss,

After assessing your request, and

considering the arguments you have raised,

The administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen

visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be

pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations,

such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area

before you have completed your assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering

and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V.Gina

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 21:48

I object!!! you are being insulting to a member.!

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 22:06

I don't re member that

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 22:19

A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop.

After looking around for a while,

he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'

The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.'

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster,

but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds,

and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran,

he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS,

and they were running faster & faster.

To be continued............

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 22:20

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster,



but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds,



and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran,



he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS,



and they were running faster & faster.



By now very concerned, he ran down to the end of the pier



and threw the bronze rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner,



who said: 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze, a couple of immigrants, a poof, a Man U supporter, and anything French!'

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 22:25

Lol!!! how come we hve gone to the left?

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 22:59

Post 94, got all .................................................

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 23:11

Have just left you a personel message in Niges BB

stewy


Joined: 18/10/2008
Posts: 279

Message Posted:
07/12/2008 01:33

I called my cat kaffer.

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
08/12/2008 18:54

Whats 6 inch long and got an arrow through it ?

















Custers last stand

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
08/12/2008 18:58

Wow! this really is a jokeathon, I wonder what thw world record is?

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
09/12/2008 12:14

Whats the difference between a bible and an irishman?









A bible's only 2 inch thick

Al the Badger


Joined: 06/02/2008
Posts: 130

Message Posted:
09/12/2008 12:40

Little boy wakes up three nights running hearing noises from the room next door. He finally goes into his mum's bedroom next day and says ," Each night I get woken up with noises coming from your room and when I look round the door you're jumpimg up and down on daddy." "Oh, well, er, well daddy is fat and I'm jumping up and down on his stomach to make him thin again." "Well that won't work," says the little boy. "Why not," says his Mother, "Because in the morning after you go out, the lady next door calls by and blows him back up."

martinev


Joined: 24/10/2008
Posts: 320

Message Posted:
09/12/2008 19:35

Did you hear about the Irishman that thought Sugar Diabetes was a welsh boxer !!

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
09/12/2008 20:09

Irishman walk's into a bar with a pig under his arm,the barman Says" where did you get that" Pig says "I won it in a raffle"....................

Coachie



Joined: 29/07/2008
Posts: 2135

Message Posted:
09/12/2008 21:47

stewy, I would like to see what answer you would get from an Aussie if you told him he couldnt call an englishman a "POM" or an American for calling us "limeies" or the other way round ,us calling the americans "yanks" It is something the will have to get used to cos it aint going to go away...

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
09/12/2008 23:08

Well said Coachie.

Tiggy


Joined: 25/07/2007
Posts: 1994

Message Posted:
10/12/2008 01:18

stewy,



Just do not like the word Paki. Just a derogatory word. Sounds too racist.

Jokes about the Welsh are fine. So are Irish jokes



You seem to have double standards. Is calling someone a paddy not a rascist slur.



Sorry all, but You are full of Shi.t

fairy



Joined: 30/11/2008
Posts: 40

Message Posted:
10/12/2008 01:48

With u Tiggy, a joke is a joke.... but a slurr is a slurr...!

fairy



Joined: 30/11/2008
Posts: 40

Message Posted:
10/12/2008 01:54

Why do men marry virgins..?



They cant stand criticism!!!

fairy



Joined: 30/11/2008
Posts: 40

Message Posted:
10/12/2008 02:10

Sorry, but WHY are some posts left of my screen..? Like this one. Instead of central..?

fairy



Joined: 30/11/2008
Posts: 40

Message Posted:
10/12/2008 02:12

And I am teetotal!

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
10/12/2008 13:10

It's left because of message 94, too many !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 22:33

Here is all the jokes anyone needs!

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 22:38

A blonde is suffering from a sore throat,

so she goes to see the doctor.

She explains the problem to the doctor,

who asks her to sit down.

He gets out his light and says "Open wide".

"I can't," replies the blonde,









" the chair's fitted with arms."

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 23:19

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives.





The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.





“Good God! Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?“ her husband demanded.





“Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any.“





The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency here’s 50 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear”.





Next the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.





“Bejesus woman. You’ve no knickers - why not?“





She replies “I can’t afford any on the money you give me.“





He reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency here’s 20 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear!“................

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 23:19

Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.





“Hoot, lassie! Why d’ye have no knickers?“





She too explains, “You don’t give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any.“





The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency here’s a comb. Tidy yourself up a bit!“

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 23:23

HI JOCK DOING ANYTHING BURNS NIGHT WE NEED A PIPER XXX NOT SHOUTING LEFT CAPS ON AND CANT TURN THE BXXXXXS OF XX

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 23:34

YOU ARE ALL SO FUNNY AND YOU HAVE CRACKED ME UP I CAN HARDLY SEE TO TYPE THIS AS I AM CRYING FROM LAUGHING SO MUCH. BRITVIC WOMEN CANT REMEMBER THE PUNCH LINES YOU ARE SO GOOD. SORY I AM NOT SHOUTING CAPS LOCKED ON GOOD NIGHT AL GOD BLESS AND THANK YOU XXXXXXXXXX

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 23:39

Lilly, his thread has been here for a month! Navek loves it, and his jokes are Brill. Lol

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 23:39

Scene: An evening on the moors



Sherlock Holmes: Watson, look up, Tell me what you see.



Dr. Watson: Well Holmes, the sky is clear, the moon is out, and I can see oorion to the east. I guess that it is about 3 in the morning.



Holmes: All correct Watson, but what else do you see?



Watson: Um Holmes, nothing. Whats wrong?



Holmes: Exactly, nothing...........................













Someone has stolen our tent!

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 23:45

After every flight, airline pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.



Here are some supposedly actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution as recorded by Qantas maintenance engineers.





P: The problem logged by the pilot.

S: The solution and action taken by the engineers.



P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.



P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.



P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 23:46

Navek, where do you get them from, and I haven't seen you post any where for ages.

Vicki

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 23:47

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on backorder.



P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.



P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.



P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.



P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That’s what they’re there for.



P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.



P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you’re right.



P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.



P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.



P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.



P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.



P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 23:53

Hi britvic,

Had the flu since before Xmas, Man Flu, you know!

Wife had it as well, just got over it at the weekend.

Been huddled up in front of log fire since mid Dec 08!

Back to normal, almost, fingers were getting itchy tonight

As for the jokes, they just come into my head as I type

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 23:55

Lol!!! I (seriously) took my car into the garage because it had a light on the dashboard and the car was acting strange, went back after an hour, and all they had done was take the light off!!!!

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
06/01/2009

Hi britvic,

If the light's OK,

and the car's acting strange, try RADA

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
06/01/2009 00:08

An auto mechanic received a repair order that read:

"Check for clunking sound when going around corners."

Taking the car out for a test drive,

he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a 'clunk.'

He then made a left turn and again heard a 'clunk.'

Back at the garage he opened the car's trunk,

and soon discovered the problem.

Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager

with the notation,









"Removed bowling ball from trunk".

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
06/01/2009 00:17

Crikey! that flu has floored hundreds of people, remember to get the jab next year. I liked your latest joke btw.

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
06/01/2009 00:23

Had the flu jab, supplied by my employers, about 8 years ago,

was sent home from work the next day,

bad reaction from it :-(

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
06/01/2009 00:26

P: Number 3 engine missing.



S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.



Cracked me up that one! Lol

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
06/01/2009 00:35

As did I with the flu jab, got the worst flu of a lifetime, was in hospital, thought I had pneumonia!

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
06/01/2009 00:36

A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver

he had won $5,000 dollars in the seat belt competition.



"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.



"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered.



"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat,



"He's a smart alec when he's got a drink in him."



Then the guy in the back seat said,



"I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."



At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said,











"Are we over the border yet?"

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
06/01/2009 00:41

Lol! not much more could go wrong really!!

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
20/02/2009 03:32

A man died and went to heaven.



As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates,



he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.



He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'



St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks.



Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.



Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.'



Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'



'That's Mother Teresa's.



The hands have never moved,



indicating that she never told a lie.'



'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'



St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.



The hands have moved twice,



telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'



'Where's Gordon Brown's clock?' asked the man.



'Brown's clock is in God's office.









He's using it as a ceiling fan.'

erolz


Joined: 17/11/2008
Posts: 3456

Message Posted:
20/02/2009 11:23

Latest intelligence reports suggested that terrorist were planning a campaign of putting bombs in tins of alphabetti spaghetti. A police spokesman said they feared that if one went of it could spell disaster.

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
20/02/2009 12:30

There are some 'Gems' on here, this started last November! It must be a Joke- athon!

Coachie



Joined: 29/07/2008
Posts: 2135

Message Posted:
20/02/2009 13:23

vicky..Aload of workmen come to do some work on this house and peoples 5 yr old daughter is very interseted in what they are doing so she asks the workmen can she help in any way.The workmen naturally gave her little things to dowhich she got stuck into with great gusto.At the end of the week the workmen had a whip round and gave her alittle wage packet and she ran off to tell her mother.

" very good " says her mum.

" wewill take you to the bank and you can putin your savings"

At the bank she is telling the girl behind the desk how she got he money.

"Are you working with those builders next week" asks the bankgirl

"Only if those W.....s from Jewsons Deliver the F.....g bricks"

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
20/02/2009 13:27

Oh Coachie! That was near the mark! Nonetheless very funny. LOL xxx

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
20/02/2009 13:39

An Army general going into a high level meeting, is unaware his fly is open. Spotting his predicament, his female secretary points it out by saying " Pssst, General ! Your puppy tent is open ! "

Confused at first, the general catches her gaze & meaning, & quickly turns and zips up.

Trying to diffuse his embarassment, the general says, " Hmm, tell me Ms. Jones when you looked into the puppy tent......did you see the sargent at arms..... standing firmly at attention ?"

She replies shaking her head, " Oh NO, General ! All I saw was the bald private.....sleeping on top of his duffel bags !! "

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
20/02/2009 13:41

............Lol..................!

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
20/02/2009 13:42

........Sol...............

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
20/02/2009 13:47

......e-mio....

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
20/02/2009 13:49

......?................

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
20/02/2009 14:06

..Sol e-mio.... It's a song Vicki

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
20/02/2009 14:53

.....Begrijp geen Spaans, slechts Nederlands..............

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
20/02/2009 15:09

You got me there Vicki )

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
20/02/2009 15:37

.........Lol..........You stay their too ROFL!

Mindy



Joined: 27/10/2008
Posts: 1210

Message Posted:
20/02/2009 21:29

A rich man and a poor man are buying gifts for their wives birthdays,



he rich man says. "I got my wife a brand new BMW and a diamond ring, then if she doesn't like the ring ,she can take it back in her BMW and still be happy.



The poor man says, "I got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo, that way if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f##k herself "

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
04/03/2009 15:31

Please excuse the expletive, not like me to swear, but it doesn't work without it.



In the Cemetery I saw 4 men carrying a coffin round & round, 3 hours later I saw the same men with the same coffin and I thought to myself.............................They've lost the F*****G PLOT!

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
05/03/2009 01:15

Poke and prod the spider with your mouse. Also 'grab' one of its

legs with your mouse and drag it around the screen -- see if it's

not alive!



Also, anywhere on the map, hit the space bar and it leaves little

bugs. Watch the spider go after them - totally crazy and creepy too!





Click here:



http://www.onemotion.com/flash/spider/