neg nick "joke of the week" (back by popular demand)

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
02/12/2011 06:32

A few friends got together and bought me a Christmas sweater.....









I'd have preferred a screamer or a moaner but you can't have everything can you

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
02/12/2011 06:36

Insomniacs remember

.

.

Only 3 more sleeps till Christmas

Ralph96



Joined: 01/07/2008
Posts: 531

Message Posted:
02/12/2011 06:45

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's his little face lit up when he tried to walk.. Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

breezyboy


Joined: 14/05/2007
Posts: 1179

Message Posted:
02/12/2011 12:38

Did you know that Liverpool is the only town in the UK where JJB sports have a bridal section, fantastic deals on white track suits.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
02/12/2011 13:05

I've been dating a homeless woman recently, and I think it's getting serious.



She asked me to move out with her.    

Tonyta


Joined: 11/06/2011
Posts: 122

Message Posted:
02/12/2011 14:01

An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an Internal Revenue Service agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room.



As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything.



Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?"





The old pastor mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I'd like to go."

mikelapta



Joined: 20/11/2008
Posts: 2186

Message Posted:
02/12/2011 14:27

I love ebay.....sold my homing pigeon 8 times this week





Mike

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
02/12/2011 15:42

I was in the car with my son driving down the motorway. I looked over and saw he had the seat reclined, with his feet up on the dash.



I said, "Don't do that, son."



"Why not, Dad?" he asked.



"Because you're driving a car."

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
02/12/2011 16:21

Are orphans allowed to watch PG movies?

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
02/12/2011 16:47

Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
02/12/2011 16:56

Msg 10, I did that one last night



still funny and clever

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
02/12/2011 17:10

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.



One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.



It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.



'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
02/12/2011 17:11

Several of us went to the library to do homework,' said Tommy.



The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.



'Son,' said John, 'this is a robot lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'



'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie,' said Tommy.



'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.



'The Ten Commandments,' answered Tommy.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
02/12/2011 17:12

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.



With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'



'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
02/12/2011 18:14

A man walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons. 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodiles mouth and place my genital inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. 'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my bits unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval.



The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his related parts in the croc's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the croc hard on the top of the head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
02/12/2011 18:15

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone £100 who's willing to give it a try.' A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up.......... 'I'll try it - just don't hit me so hard With the beer bottle!

Jovial_John


Joined: 31/01/2009
Posts: 1024

Message Posted:
02/12/2011 19:13

The new boss of a big department store was being briefed about the business by his Sales Manager and they were going through each salesman's returns. Suddenly the boss stopped "Who is this man Smith - he's amazing - he's sold 3 times more than anybody else?"

"Well Smith is just Smith sir - he has a gift - I can't really explain it myself" said the Sales Manager.

"I want to meet this man - let's go" said the boss.

So they set off.

"Which department is he in?" asked the boss.

"Well we don't hold him to one department - he has a sort of roving commission" replied the Sales Manager.

Eventually they found Smith in the Sports Department but he was with a customer so they just stood to one side and watched.

Jovial_John


Joined: 31/01/2009
Posts: 1024

Message Posted:
02/12/2011 19:14

The customer was holding a fishing rod and Smith was saying "That really is a very beautiful rod Sir, all the top match fisherman use that rod and you can't go wrong".

"OK - I'll take it" said the customer and Smith went straight into "but of course with a fine new rod like this Sir will want a nice new reel" and promptly sells him a reel....and then floats, weights, hooks, ledger gear, bait tins, keep net etc. etc.

"Well" said Smith "Sir is beautifully equipped now for coarse fishing" (slight pause) "but there are a lot of trout lakes round here"

"I need a bit more for trout fishing then?" asked the customer. Foolish man, 10 minutes later he had bought a split cane rod, fly fishing reel, floating lines, sinking lines, landing net, flies etc. etc.

"Well" said Smith "Sir is beautifully equipped now for catching trout ...... the ones that come to the side anyway"

"?" says the customer a then finds himself buying a set of chest high waders.

Jovial_John


Joined: 31/01/2009
Posts: 1024

Message Posted:
02/12/2011 19:14

"But of course" said Smith " the biggest fish are in the middle" and 5 minutes later the customer has bought a dinghy.

"Now Sir can row out to the biggest fish" said Smith "But I hope Sir isn't too tired from rowing to actually do any fishing" and after another 5 minutes the customer has bought an outboard motor for his dinghy.

Eventually it stops, there is nothing left to sell him and the customer departs.

The boss is overcome with emotion and rushes over to Smith, shakes his hand, hugs him and says "Smith, that was the finest piece of selling I have ever seen; the customer comes in to buy a fishing rod and you sell him all that expensive merchandise."

"Well it wasn't quite like that Sir" said Smith "I was in the Pharmacy and he came in for a packet of Tampax - I told him that obviously his weekend was knackered - had he ever thought about taking up fishing?".

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
03/12/2011 11:02

Voted Best Joke in Ireland (apparently.... don't believe a word of it )

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest

of me life, between the legs of me wife!"



That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best

toast of the night."



She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"



"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."



"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!"



The next day Mary ran into one of John's drinking mates. He leered

"John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you,

Mary."



She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You

know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he

fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make

him come."

zookeeper


Joined: 17/03/2010
Posts: 168

Message Posted:
05/12/2011 12:53

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven



1st woman: Hi! Wanda.



2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?



1st woman: I froze to death.



2nd woman: How horrible!



1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold,

I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?



2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack.

I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV..



1st woman: So, what happened?



2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.



1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---

Giles


Joined: 16/08/2011
Posts: 256

Message Posted:
05/12/2011 18:09

Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
06/12/2011 18:03

What bounces and makes kids cry?



My donation cheque to Children in Need.

Ralph96



Joined: 01/07/2008
Posts: 531

Message Posted:
07/12/2011 11:25

Nice one plilbailey not all of your post are shite then.

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
07/12/2011 16:19

Phil. If your solution to the question is the same as what I believe to be the answer then I can only post it on here if I am willing to risk at life time ban from the Forum !

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
07/12/2011 18:01

"Can you tie a knot?"



"I cannot."



"So you can knot?"



"No, I cannot knot."



"Not knot?"



"Who's there?"



"Not you"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
07/12/2011 18:21

Sandy from Aberdeen wanted to buy a hearing aid but didn't want to spend much money.

' How much are your hearing aids, ' he said to the assistant.

' Well they range from three pounds to three thousand pounds. 'replied the assistant.

' Can I see the three pound one please, ' said Sandy who was quite pleased with the price.

' Certainly,you just stick this button in your ear and run the string down into your pocket, ' said the assistant.

' And how does it work, ' asked Sandy.

' For three pounds it doesn't work but when everyone sees it on you they talk louder, ' explained the assistant.

Ossie


Joined: 19/01/2008
Posts: 311

Message Posted:
07/12/2011 18:22

Jonathon Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil in Tesco's. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take!

ranger5


Joined: 29/03/2011
Posts: 151

Message Posted:
07/12/2011 18:46

No1Doyen, that`s a cracker

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
07/12/2011 18:52

Had a pelican bhuna last night.





It was delicious but the bill was massive.

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
07/12/2011 18:58

My mate asked me "what ring tone do you have?"



I replied "hmmm, I've never checked, but probably a light brown!"

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
08/12/2011 10:11

Ring tone light brown ! Avoid using the "Orange" network or you might be charged "Orangu(tan)" rates and go Ape S......t !

NCMan



Joined: 19/09/2009
Posts: 670

Message Posted:
08/12/2011 12:54

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.



Grumpy leads the pack.



'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'



Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'



The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'



In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.



Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.



Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'



The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in E urope ...'

NCMan



Joined: 19/09/2009
Posts: 670

Message Posted:
08/12/2011 12:55

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.



Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.



Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr... Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'



The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'



The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......



'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

tattlad


Joined: 13/12/2008
Posts: 479

Message Posted:
08/12/2011 16:25

I had a chicken Tarka last night... like chicken tikka only Otter...

tattlad


Joined: 13/12/2008
Posts: 479

Message Posted:
08/12/2011 16:27

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says "Hello!"..

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids...'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'











She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher.

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
08/12/2011 16:41

Science shows that owls have the sharpest hearing on the planet.



They have clearly never tested a man watching porn whilst his wife is asleep.

tattlad


Joined: 13/12/2008
Posts: 479

Message Posted:
08/12/2011 16:42

I read an article that siad most Korean dogs were in bred.













Aye, in buns, baguetts, & sandwiches.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
08/12/2011 16:47

A wife asked her man:"What if there were only 10 minutes left before the end of the world?"

"I'd make love with you."said the man.

"Oh honey, then what about the other 9 minutes?"    

Lemtich



Joined: 15/02/2007
Posts: 1487

Message Posted:
09/12/2011 09:47

I was in B & Q the other day buying a Christmas tree. The old git in the orange apron asked me,

"Are you putting this up yourself?"

"Wot!"

"No you sick bastard, I'm putting it up in the lounge!"

ttoli


Joined: 24/03/2007
Posts: 1172

Message Posted:
09/12/2011 19:52

Google : what defines an English person

zookeeper


Joined: 17/03/2010
Posts: 168

Message Posted:
10/12/2011 13:09

Supreme Court rules:



No Nativity Scene in DC ...



The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the



United States ' Capital this Christmas season.



This isn't for



any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find



Three Wise Men in the Nation’s Capital. And, a search for a Virgin continues.



There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable .