Jokes to cheer us all up

Arthur


Joined: 04/11/2008
Posts: 687

Message Posted:
03/12/2008 16:59

Two TV aerials met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't up to much, but the reception was excellent.................................

Arthur


Joined: 04/11/2008
Posts: 687

Message Posted:
03/12/2008 17:00

A dyslexic man walks intoa bra................

Arthur


Joined: 04/11/2008
Posts: 687

Message Posted:
03/12/2008 17:01

An invisible man marries an invisible woman and they have kids. They weren't much to look at either...........................

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
03/12/2008 17:03

Arthur,



All I can say is... ha ha..

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
03/12/2008 17:06

During WW II a British fighter pilot was shot down over Germany and he was captured by the Nazis. He was hurt pretty bad, so the German doctor amputated his left arm. He requested that they drop his arm over his base in England. So the Germans did.

The next week they amputated his other arm and he asked the same thing. The Germans complied.

The next week they amputated one of his legs, and he again asked for them to drop it over his base in England. The German doctor replied, “Sorry, we do dis no more!”

The pilot asked why not, and the German answered, “we think you trying to escape!”

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
03/12/2008 17:06

I went to the Doc and told him I was having trouble pronouncing my T's F's and Aitches...



He said "Well you can't say fairer than that then!"

Arthur


Joined: 04/11/2008
Posts: 687

Message Posted:
03/12/2008 17:06

A group of chess enthusiasts attended a conference, and were discussing their chess victories in the hotel lobby. After a few minutes, the hotel manager told them to disperse. "But why" they said as they moved off.



"Because" he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer"..........................................

Arthur


Joined: 04/11/2008
Posts: 687

Message Posted:
03/12/2008 17:08

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "does this taste funny to you ?"....................................................

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
03/12/2008 17:09

A father came in the bedroom to find his 13-year-old daughter smoking

a cigarette. "My God! How long have you been smoking?" screams the

father.

"Since I lost my virginity," replies the girl.

"You lost your VIRGINITY!!! When the hell did this happen?" shrieks

the father.

"I don't remember," says the girl. "I was completely drunk."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
03/12/2008 17:13

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the

electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under

our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the

plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't

mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both

his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under

our bed."

Arthur


Joined: 04/11/2008
Posts: 687

Message Posted:
03/12/2008 17:13

Man walks into a bar with a lump of asphalt under his arm. "Can I have a pint of bitter please, and whilst I'm about it, one for the road"..........................

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
03/12/2008 17:15

Morris walks into Dr. Cohen's office and puts a note on the table in

front of the doctor. The note reads, "I can't talk. Please help me!"

The doctor thinks for a while and says to Morris, "Put your p**is on

the table here."

Morris thinks this is a bit weird, but Cohen is a specialist, so he

does as the doctor says. The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits Morris's p**is as hard as he can.

The man cries in great agony, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

The doctor says, "Good. Come again tomorrow, and we'll learn B!"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
03/12/2008 17:18

This man's wife asks, "Honey if I died would you remarry?"

He replies, "Well, after a considerable period of grieving, we all need companionship, I guess I would."

She says, "If I died and you remarried, would she live in this house?"

He replies, "We've spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house, I guess she would."

So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, would she sleep in our bed?" and he says, "That bed is brand new, we just paid two thousand dollars for it, it's going to last a long time, I guess she would."

So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"and he says, "Oh no, she's left handed."

mikelapta



Joined: 20/11/2008
Posts: 2186

Message Posted:
03/12/2008 17:24

Arthur this is true.A few months ago I was on an open top bus,in Stratford on avon,going to Will's house.There were about 20 Japanese tourists on the top deck too.The guide told that joke too,passing a particular house with lots of aerials...They all started photographs,and clapping at this phenomina.The guide just said to me "Silly B****rs",well something like that

HAPPY FEET


Joined: 18/07/2008
Posts: 416

Message Posted:
03/12/2008 17:34

What do you call a Scotish cloak-room attendent ?

















Angusmecoatup !!!

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
03/12/2008 17:36

What do you call an Indian cloak-room attendent?





Mahatma coat

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
03/12/2008 17:39

Book Titles.

"How to Write Big Books", by Warren Peace.

"The Art of Archery", by Beau N. Arrow.

"Songs for Children", by Barbara Blacksheep.

"Irish Heart Surgery", by Angie O'Plasty.

"Split Personalities", by Jacqueline Hyde.

"Under the Bleachers", by Seymour Butts.

"Desert Crossing", by I. Rhoda Camel.

"School Truancy", by Marcus Absent.

"I Was a Cloakroom Attendant", by Mahatma Coate.

"I Lost My Balance", by Eileen Dover and Phil Down.

"Mystery in the Barnyard", by Hu Flung Dung.

"Positive Reinforcement", by Wade Ago.

"Shhh!", by Danielle Soloud.

"The Philippine Post Office", by Imelda Letter.

"Things to Do at a Party", by Bob Frapples.

"Stop Arguing", by Xavier Breath.

"Come on In!", by Doris Open.

"The German Bank Robbery", by Hans Zupp.

"I Hate the Sun", by Gladys Knight.

"Prison Security", by Barb Dweyer.

"Irish First Aid", by R.U. O'Kaye.

"My Career As a Clown", by Abe Ozo.

"The World's Deadliest Joke", by Theophilus Punoval.

"Here's Pus in Your Eye", Lan

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
03/12/2008 17:40

"Here's Pus in Your Eye", Lance Boyle.

"My Life on Skid Row", Titus A. Drum.

"I Didn't Do It!", by Ivan Alibi.

"Why I Eat at McDonalds", by Tommy Ayk.

"I Hit the Wall", by Isadore There.

"The Bruce Lee Story", by Marsh Larts.

"Take This Job and Shove It", by Ike Witt.

"Rapunzel Rapunzel", by Harris Long.

"How I Won the Maraton", by Randy Hoelway.

"Songs from South Pacific", by Sam and Janet Evening

Arthur


Joined: 04/11/2008
Posts: 687

Message Posted:
03/12/2008 18:41

Out driving, I hit another car and a dwarf got out. He said "I'm not happy", so I said to him "Okay, which one are you then".....................................

rosie123


Joined: 26/05/2008
Posts: 70

Message Posted:
03/12/2008 21:17

"Who flung dung" by Will E Catchit

"10 Years on the saddle " by Major Bumsore

Dusterbruce


Joined: 03/08/2007
Posts: 1125

Message Posted:
03/12/2008 22:47

Two little girls walking to school one morning.

One of them said 'Do you know, I found a contraceptive on our varandah this morning?'

The other one answered 'What's a varandah?'

japal


Joined: 12/08/2008
Posts: 89

Message Posted:
04/12/2008 01:11

A little boy and girl in a bath. The girl splashes the boy, and he says to her, " right I am gonna duck you now" and she says leave ot out, you can`t even say it properly

stewy


Joined: 18/10/2008
Posts: 279

Message Posted:
04/12/2008 03:21

Mable, the black goodtime girl of the Kings Road, was such a staunch Chelsea supporter, she had a tattoo of John Terry on one thigh, and a tattoo of Frank Lampard on the other. However none of her punters recognised them. One day she put up a sign in her flat, that anybody recognising the two players would get a free evening.

The first punter comes in , peers closely at the tattoos and says.

" I don't know who the one on the left is, nor the one on the right, but the one in the middle with the dark curly hair, big red lips, and his tongue sticking out, must be Sean Wright-Phillips."

robbie c


Joined: 07/07/2008
Posts: 176

Message Posted:
04/12/2008 04:09

Little boy and girl in the bath .Little boy say ha ha you havent got one of these.Little girl replies ,My mumsays with one of these I can get one of those anytime I like.

Geoff1131


Joined: 12/07/2007
Posts: 276

Message Posted:
04/12/2008 08:17

an englishman, a scotsman and an irishman working on a building site. Eating their sandwiches one day, the englishman says ' i'm sick of cheese, if i get cheese again tomorrow i'll jump off the top of this building'. The scotsman opens his lunchbox and says ' corned beef again, if i get this tomorrow i'm jumping with you'. The irishman opens his lunch and says ' I'v got chicken paste again, if i get the same tomorrow i'll jump too'.

At the funerals the english mans wife was in tears, she said to the other two, why didnt Mike say he didnt like cheese, if he had said he wanted a change he could have had anything he wanted. The scotsmans wife said same here, i only used to make jimmy corned beef because i thought it was his favorite, but he could have had anything he wanted. The irish mans wife said, well i cant understand paddy at all















he used to make his own sandwiches.

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
04/12/2008 08:24

Snow white was in the bath completely naked, she was feeling happy, Happy got out, Then she felt Grumpy...........................

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
04/12/2008 10:10

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'.

That's why we have Molly The Camel.'

The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his

pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No not really, sir. They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are.'

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
04/12/2008 10:31

Nigel the Elephant and a Mousey are walking through the rain forests of India when all of a sudden Mousey falls into a swamp...



"Help, help!" Screams Mousey.... "What can I do?" replies Nigel "If I go too close, I'll sink!" Mousey thinks..

"I know, dangle your tremendously long donger in the water and I'll climb to safety"... Nigel complies and Mousey is saved.



They continue their journey and then Nigel falls in... "Help, help!" Screams Nigel... "What can I do?" replies Mousey

"I'm not as well endowed as you Nigel and I'm certainly not strong enough!..." "Well think of something, and quickly!" cries

Nigel, "I'm sinking fast!"



All of a sudden the mouse disappears and returns with his Porche Carrera...which he backs up to the water's edge

"Quickly" he says "Wrap your trunk around my bumper and I'll pull you to safety..." Nigel does as he is told and is saved...



Moral: If you have a Porche, you don't need to be hung like an elephant....

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
04/12/2008 11:24

Look i crack the funnies, RIGHT.............................

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
04/12/2008 12:38

Jock



Who are the Funnies and why do you crack them?

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
04/12/2008 12:47

Groucho, i still think mine are the funniest.......

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
04/12/2008 12:59

just found this site,but try this joke from the late great Les Dawson.



Bavarian pub in Transylvannia,in walks Dracula,says to landlord gi 'us a drink - landlord brings his wife out,D bites her on side of neck,sucks her dry chucks her on one side.

D then says to landlord,I'm still thirsty gi'us another drink. Landlord brings out his mother in law. D bites her on side of neck,sucks her dry and chucks her on one side.

D says again,I'm still thirsty landlord,gi'us another drink.Two dwarfs in corner of room - I have a dwarf ,landlord.



At this point Landlord tells Dracula he's drunk and to get lost ..... Dracula staggers out,and one of the dwarfs comes up to the landlord - that was very brave of you telling Dracula to get lost .... landlord says ....



yes I know,but he gets nasty off shorts.

kind regards to all,Steve

Coachie



Joined: 29/07/2008
Posts: 2135

Message Posted:
04/12/2008 14:30

Two police officers in scotland were on static hand held radar speed checks when suddenly the one with camera said to his mate"Just clocked that car coming over the hill at 300mph." "his mate says "Must be something wrong with the camera" when suddenly a RAF Tornado roars past at 300mph.The cops then realised they had locked to the aircraft so when they got back to the station they told their boss who said he would write a strong letter of protest to the nearby RAF station about there aircraft interfering with his officers radar.Back came the reply.

"we take note of your complaint but like to point out that area in question is a designated low flying combat area.Further the aircrafts radarPerhaps your officers might care to choose was active and locked on to your officers radar gun and armed to anti -radar missiles. fortuneately the Dutch pilot flying the Tornado new something was not right and took over the radar and disarmed the missiles..

Peeky



Joined: 08/05/2008
Posts: 100

Message Posted:
04/12/2008 20:06

George is walking through town when he spots a penguin. He is not sure whether to take the penguin to the vets or the police station. The police station is nearest so he takes it there. The sergeant at the desk really didn't know what to do with it either, so he told George to take it to the zoo.

A few days later the sergeant is out with his wife in the town, and he spots George, with the penguin, in a bus queue. He goes over to George and says "I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!"































































George replies "I did, and today I'm taking him to the cinema"

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
04/12/2008 20:15

Jock,



I know you do...



I do too...

Dusterbruce


Joined: 03/08/2007
Posts: 1125

Message Posted:
04/12/2008 20:39

Snow White was kicked out of Disneyland today.

She kept sitting on Pinnochio's nose and saying 'Lie you bastard, lie!'

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
04/12/2008 20:42

I read that after years of genetic engineering a cucumber producer has managed to create the first cucumber-vibrator cross... which requires no batteries...



Apparently it's received rave reviews but now he has a dreadful problem with squatters!

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 13:00

Heard the about the Irishman that saw an advert "drink Canada dry",







..... so he emigrated

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 13:19

A man of Polish ancestry walked up to the counter and asked for a Polish Meatball Sandwich.The man at the counter said, "What a Pollack."

The Polish man said,"I resent that. If a Jew came to your counter and asked for a kosher salami on rye, would you call him a stupid Jew."

"Probably,"replied the clerk.

"And if an Italian came in here and asked for spaghetti and meatballs, would you also insult him?"

"Probably," the clerk again replied.

"Why you're nothing but a bigot.Why do you have to insult everybody not like you?"

At this, the clerk replied,

"Because this is a HARDWARE store, stupid."

ilovecyprus


Joined: 08/05/2007
Posts: 2880

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 14:45

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.



After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.



She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.



'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give bl@wjobs!'



'Bl@w jobs!' the woman replied.



'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said



The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more bl@w jobs for her!



She bought the frog.



When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off! .??



The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.



In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog rea

ilovecyprus


Joined: 08/05/2007
Posts: 2880

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 14:46

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.



'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.





The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're gone.'

ilovecyprus


Joined: 08/05/2007
Posts: 2880

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 14:47

Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but now we know. It requires a bit of explanation, first:



If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race...you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework... you're a pansy. If you work too hard... there's never time for her. If you don't work enough... you're a good -for -nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get promotion ahead of her... that is favouritism. If she gets a job ahead of you... its equal opportunity.

ilovecyprus


Joined: 08/05/2007
Posts: 2880

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 14:47

If you mention how nice she looks... its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet... its male indifference. If you cry... you're a wimp. If you don't... you're an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision without consulting her....you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you...she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy... that's domination. If SHE asks you... it's a favour. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear... you're a pervert. If you don't.. you're gay.

ilovecyprus


Joined: 08/05/2007
Posts: 2880

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 14:48

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape... you're sexist. If you don't... you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape... you're vain. If you don't... you're a slob. If you buy her flowers... you're after something. If you don't... you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of you're achievements... you're full of yourself. If you don't... you're not ambitious. If she has a headache... she's tired. If you have a headache... you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often... you're oversexed. If you don't ... there must be someone else.





Why do men die first ?





Because they bloody want to!

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/12/2008 15:21

Very Good Mark! Hope you are well.

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 15:00

Ireland's first moonshot blasts off from Dublin airport with monkey and paddy on board .... should take about 3 fortnights cos its fueled by wood. Both are sedated for their long journey .....



The monkey wakes up with several hours to go and opens his packet of instructions ........ press retro rockets A,B,C and D and land gently on the Moon.



Paddy wakes up with an half an hour to go,and opens his packet of instructions .....



Dont forget to feed the monkey

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 15:10

A man with bad breath is told to go the doctor by his colleagues.. so he goes.

He explains the situation to the doctor who says "well you'd better breathe on me and let me see how bad it is..." So he does..



When the doctor regains consciousness, he says OK I'll give you something for it.. and he writes a prescription out...



The man takes it and reads what the doctor has put down...it says "Eat shit four times a day"



The man is confused and asks "Will this cure it?"



The doctor says "No, but it will tone it down........"

mouthy git


Joined: 24/09/2008
Posts: 41

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 19:05

just heard the latest news the irish rangers have fired rockets into baghdad unfortunately, the stick broke on the first try, and the bottle fellover on the second

mouthy git


Joined: 24/09/2008
Posts: 41

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 19:13

a panda bear escapes from the local zoo, and hitches up with a prostitute, after the hooker feeds him, he then take her to bed, and give her a right ol shaffting, the bear starts to leave her appartment, when the hooker say's arn't you going to pay, the bear say's what for, the hooker explanes that he's been feed and had great sex, but the bear still dosen't undestand, so the hooker say look it up in the dictionary, the bear looks up prostitute, and reads person who sale's there body for financial gain, the bear say's to the hooker, look up panda, the hooker reads airy ass animal, eats shoots and leaves.

Arthur


Joined: 04/11/2008
Posts: 687

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 19:31

I found a parrot in the fields near my house. All it says is "you ugly b#st#rd"



-Is it yours??

snakes



Joined: 28/10/2008
Posts: 1512

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 19:41

irish bloke goes to a pub for lunch ! says to the barmaid " i'll have a pint if guiness and a quikie love " ! she slapped him round the face and walked off !! bloke next to irish says " i think you mean quiche mate !!!

well at least its clean !!

2 irish prisoners escape from jail ! running through a local village they stop at a bus stop with a map in it !! they spot a flag on the map pointing to an area saying "you are here"

one chap says to the other " be jasus ! they know where we are already!!!

the best selling toy this christmas is "divorce Barbydoll" comes with all Kens gear !!!

sorry to any lovely Irish people no offence meant ! and any barbies !!!!

mouthy git


Joined: 24/09/2008
Posts: 41

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 19:57

news just in - a lunatic has just escaped from the local nut house, he's raped a girl from the local launderette, an is now on the run, the head lines in the papers reads



NUTS, SCREWS, WASHER, AND BOLTS



also in the news the local chemist has been broken into this afternoon, they have stolen everything eccept condoms and hair products, the police are looking out for a bald headed catholic.



also in the headlines, a man is in hospital after his house was broken into and the burgarler forced a vacuum cleaner hose up the mans rectum, we have spoken to the hospital and doctors say he's starting to pick up now.

mouthy git


Joined: 24/09/2008
Posts: 41

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 20:05

man go's to the doctors with sunburn, doctor prescribes him some aloe vera cream and a viagra tablet, the man say's i understand what the creams for, but not to sure about the viagra, the doctor reply's the viagras to keep the sheets of you tonight when your in bed.

gilfong33


Joined: 06/12/2008
Posts: 4

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 20:05

You can now buy Viagra powder to put in your tea,it dose'nt do anything to help your sexual prowess but it does stop your buscuits going soft.

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 20:11

SMART ARSED ANSWER 6



It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

"Would you like dinner?"

the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

"What are my choices?" the man asked.



"Yes or no," she replied.



SMART ARSED ANSWER 5



A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket

and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said,

"Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 20:15

SMART ARSED ANSWER 4



A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys

at a branch of Sainsbury's store but she couldn't

find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant,

"Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The assistant replied,

"I'm afraid not, they're dead."



SMART ARSED ANSWER 3



The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer

he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day,"

the bobby said.

The kid replied,

"Yes, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the policeman finally stopped laughing,

he sent the kid on his way,

without a ticket.

Yea I’ll bet.

mouthy git


Joined: 24/09/2008
Posts: 41

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 20:20

and smart arse answer 1/2

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 20:21

SMART ARSED ANSWER 2



A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read "Low Bridge Ahead."

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead

and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to

the lorry's cab and said to the driver,

"Got stuck, eh?"

The lorry driver said,

"No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!"

mouthy git


Joined: 24/09/2008
Posts: 41

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 20:23

i see the irish have a new contraceptive, it's a small pebble that you put in your shoe, and you instantly limp

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 20:23

SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR



A teacher at a college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses

for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,

illness, or a death in your immediate family,

but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room

raised his hand and asked,

"What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete

and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored,

the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,

shook her head and sweetly said,







"Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

gilfong33


Joined: 06/12/2008
Posts: 4

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 21:22

If corn oil is made from corn,and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,then what is baby oil made from?.

gilfong33


Joined: 06/12/2008
Posts: 4

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 21:22

"Political correctness" is a doctrine,fostered by a delusional,illogical minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media,which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

gilfong33


Joined: 06/12/2008
Posts: 4

Message Posted:
06/12/2008 21:22

"Political correctness" is a doctrine,fostered by a delusional,illogical minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media,which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
07/12/2008 08:42

Now I thought that was "Greek Propaganda" ;¬)

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
07/12/2008 09:21

Two ex-Winchester school boys who have always loathed each other met on the platform at Paddington in their 40's and both dressed-up to the nines. One is dressed as a bishop the other as a three-star general...



They exchanged glances and then get into conversation about other old Wykehamists. In the end they can resist the chance to ask each other why they are dressed quite so formally.



The bishop asks... "Why have you come up to town dressed as a General?"



"Because I've been a general for 4 years and I've just been to Buck House to pick up another medal old boy" says the General, and then just to rub it in he says "followed by lunch at my Club with the Prime Minister - how about you? I see you are dressed as a Bishop - done any good in your life?"



Cont....

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
07/12/2008 09:22

"Well..." says the Bishop, as a matter of fact I've been a Bishop for 5 years and I've just been to the palace too, followed by lunch at my club with the Archbishop of Canterbury who has asked me if I would be his successor!"



"Which Club?" asks the General

"The In & Out in the Strand" replies the Bishop.

"Well that's my club too - didn't know you were a member"

"Well living in Salisbury I don't get up to town as often as I'd like, I'm only a country member"



"Oh yes" says the General "I remember...."

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
07/12/2008 12:42

Centre half goes up to referree after being given yellow card for petty tackle.



If I call you a t***t ref what will you do?



I'll send you off,sunshine



What if I just think it ref?



Well thats ok .



OK,I think you're a t***t

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
07/12/2008 18:38

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.



This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.



The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort,

thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.

The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no o ther choice,

she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.



It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed,

her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog

that had been snoozing under the woman's chair,

and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
07/12/2008 18:39

The woman thought,

'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later,

she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn't even hesitate.

She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy!'

Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!'

A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip.

This time she didn't even think about it.

She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.



Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,

'Dammit Skippy,

get away from her,





before she shits on you!'