Joke:- Seeing that NN as got the hump,here,s one I copied earlier

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
18/12/2011 10:15

The Government has announced they intend to make it more difficult to claim Unemployment Benefits.







Starting next Monday, the forms will be printed in English.

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
18/12/2011 10:34

What do Reindeer have that no other animal has?

vincent1


Joined: 20/07/2009
Posts: 212

Message Posted:
18/12/2011 10:45

Baby reindeer ?

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
18/12/2011 10:55

Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.



Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.



Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods



and exercise for the last decade.



One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed,



sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion,



furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.



A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said,



'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'



Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied,



'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
18/12/2011 10:56

Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course,



finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony..

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch,



with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts,



free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like



of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.

This is Heaven!'





'No gym to work out at?' said Tony

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
18/12/2011 10:58

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your f***ing Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

ttoli


Joined: 24/03/2007
Posts: 1172

Message Posted:
18/12/2011 11:00

Imagine my joy when I was getting out the Christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box.



Such a pity it was a puppy.

Lemtich



Joined: 15/02/2007
Posts: 1487

Message Posted:
18/12/2011 17:28

I was given a Cliche Advent Calander for Christmas.



One door opened and another one closed!

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
18/12/2011 20:12

my wife slipped over in the bathroom last night and knocked herself out. As she lay there on the floor naked, glinting in the light I thought ''this is my chance''







so I went to the pub

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
19/12/2011 10:03

THE Husband had just finished reading a new book entitled .............





'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.



He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?



The wife replied, 'The f*cking funeral director would be my first guess.'