More Irish Jokes

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
15/12/2008 21:29

Did you hear about the irishman that thought Eartha Kitt was gardening equipment



Whats got an IQ of 144?



A gross of irishman





Where was father christmas born .....

Must be Dublin,cos got 3 doors and 10 windows in our house,and he comes down the chimney

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
15/12/2008 21:31

hi steve very funny i even liked pikes joke on chickeruns thread keep them coming. lilli x

rocky


Joined: 17/10/2007
Posts: 1749

Message Posted:
15/12/2008 21:55

we should not encourage racist humour on this thread

Arthur


Joined: 04/11/2008
Posts: 687

Message Posted:
15/12/2008 22:19

Oh all right then.



Did you hear about the Scotsman who committed suicide?



He went next door and gassed himself.

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
15/12/2008 22:23

or the Aberdonian who went outside cos he heard there was a nip in the air.........

cyprusgaz



Joined: 25/08/2008
Posts: 79

Message Posted:
15/12/2008 22:29

'I'd like some nails,' Mick requested of the DIY man. 'How long would you like them?' asked the man. 'Forever, if that's all right with you,' said Mick.

cyprusgaz



Joined: 25/08/2008
Posts: 79

Message Posted:
15/12/2008 22:31

'I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!'

Arthur


Joined: 04/11/2008
Posts: 687

Message Posted:
15/12/2008 22:31

Jock- did you hear about the two taxis that crashed head on in Aberdeen?



Twenty-seven dead, thirty-five injured.

ronaldo


Joined: 14/11/2007
Posts: 372

Message Posted:
15/12/2008 22:33

Paddy mulligan goes for a job on a building site. foreman asks him is name ? irish man replies Paddy Mulligan Foreman asks him to spell his name . Paddy say shove your Bl--dy Job.

cyprusgaz



Joined: 25/08/2008
Posts: 79

Message Posted:
15/12/2008 22:33

'I've bought a new clock,' boasted Clancy. 'It goes eight days without winding.'



'How long does it go if you do wind it?' asked the barman.

cyprusgaz



Joined: 25/08/2008
Posts: 79

Message Posted:
15/12/2008 22:35

'Have you decided what to buy your missus for Christmas?' asked Murphy.



'Sure, she decided it for me,' answered Kelly. 'She said she wanted something with diamonds in it. So I've bought her a pack of cards!'

Arthur


Joined: 04/11/2008
Posts: 687

Message Posted:
15/12/2008 22:36

CG



I like your brown hair, but who's the ugly geezer in the uniform?

cyprusgaz



Joined: 25/08/2008
Posts: 79

Message Posted:
15/12/2008 22:39

How do you disperse an angry Scottish mob?

Nae bother - just take up a collection.

Arthur


Joined: 04/11/2008
Posts: 687

Message Posted:
15/12/2008 22:39

Got to sign off now, it's as quiet as Aberdeen on a flag day...................................

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
16/12/2008 10:42

What's the difference between a Scotsman and a coconut ?.....

































You can get a drink out of a coconut.

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
16/12/2008 10:49

Irishman taking his driving test. Half way through test he bends his head over to left hand side .....



Examiner asks him to pull over,and asks him about his bent head .... is he disabled .....















Irishman said no - did you not see the sign back there , it send bends for 2 miles

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
16/12/2008 11:14

Irishwoman returned to Dublin cos she found out a 26 inch Murphy was a tv set

schnib


Joined: 24/05/2008
Posts: 101

Message Posted:
16/12/2008 11:34

why was jesus not born in ireland------because they could not find 3 wise men and a virgin

schnib


Joined: 24/05/2008
Posts: 101

Message Posted:
16/12/2008 11:36

why was jesus not born in ireland------because they could not find 3 wise men and a virgin

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
16/12/2008 11:38

I think it was Dave Allen that asked what the 4 smallest books in the world were : -



Irish book of knowledge

Italian book of war heroes

Jewish book of lending and

nazi book of manners



There must be others?

PtePike



Joined: 20/05/2008
Posts: 2334

Message Posted:
16/12/2008 13:25

Foreman asks Paddy to dig a 20ft deep hole in one hour. Paddy says it can't be done. The foreman says: "We'll give you a JCB."



Paddy replies: "You can stick your medals, it still can't be done."

tattlad


Joined: 13/12/2008
Posts: 479

Message Posted:
16/12/2008 14:12

Irishman goes to the doc complaining he is hard of hearing, the Doc says, can you describe the symptoms, Irishman says, Yeah Dat Homer is a little fat yella fella and his woyfe is dat Marge with da blue hair.

Al the Badger


Joined: 06/02/2008
Posts: 130

Message Posted:
16/12/2008 15:58

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!







A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.



He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'



Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'

Al the Badger


Joined: 06/02/2008
Posts: 130

Message Posted:
16/12/2008 16:09

Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.



Mate, it's obvious' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. You're best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - About two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!'



The following weekend Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away and laughing, looking sick!



So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, 'What's wrong now?'



'JAHEESUS!' said the lifeguard,



'Maaaaate. The potato goes in the front!'

Al the Badger


Joined: 06/02/2008
Posts: 130

Message Posted:
16/12/2008 16:17

Paddy is in a disco. He asks a girl ‘how about a shag?’ she replies ‘I am on my menstrual cycle’ great says Paddy ‘I have got my scooter, I’ll follow you home!’

Al the Badger


Joined: 06/02/2008
Posts: 130

Message Posted:
16/12/2008 16:20

.......... and so as not to exclude the Japs :-



Japanese Fart



A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life

that when she married she was to please her husband

and never upset him. So the first morning of her

honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her

husband's clothes and accidentally let out a big fart.



She looked up and

said:



"Awwwww so sowwy...excuse prease, front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud."

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
16/12/2008 19:02

hi al his is not a joke its a true stoty, many years ago i was doing the ideal home show in dublin and had 8 uk girls and two irsh girls workiing for me on the last nigth we all decided to go to a posh restaurant in town. noleen the irish girl invited us all for a glass or two of champange at her home, and as usual we were then running late. well we piled in her car with glass in hand all of us, the restaurant said they would give our table away if we were not there in the next 15 mins. no probs said noleen and proceeded to drive down the bus lane which is a no no in dublin. anyway we got stopped she wound the window down and the young policeman took one look and said have you been drinkin too which she replied have i been drinkin i still am and raised her glass, his reply will i park your car and get you a taxi so you dont loose your table. this he did and what a night we had couldnt happen anywhere else x

Peeky



Joined: 08/05/2008
Posts: 100

Message Posted:
16/12/2008 20:22

What about the Scottish smash & grab man who got caught when he went back for the brick!

johnnybgoode


Joined: 08/12/2008
Posts: 252

Message Posted:
16/12/2008 22:30

paddy's in a disco trying to chat up a lesbian, she says to him go away i'am a lesbian{or words to that affect} paddy replies, a what part of lesbiania are you from, she replies, no i'am a real lesbian , paddy replies i don't think i know what that is, she says see the blonde in the short leather mini skirt, paddy say yeah, well she say's i'am gonna take her home and make love to her all night long, paddy says bejesus, i must be a lesbian too

eager


Joined: 23/02/2007
Posts: 1272

Message Posted:
17/12/2008 15:03

First of all, No offence meant but a joke's a joke.

Paddy goes into a blacksmiths looking for a job

The blacksmith say's....have you any experience of shoeing horses?

Paddy say's....no, but i once told a donkey to F..k off.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
17/12/2008 15:23

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar enjoying a drink after a hard day working away from home..

“You know,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there’s a wee bar called McManus’. The landlord there really knows how to look after the regulars. After you’ve bought 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you.”

“Reminds me of my old local, the Black Horse,” said the Englishman, “the guvnor there always gave me my third drink free.”

“That’s nothing,” said the Irishman. “Back home in Dublin there’s O’Malley’s Bar. As soon as you get through the door they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you’ve had plenty of drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.”

“Fantastic,” said the Englishman, “and this actually happen to you?”

“Not me, personally, no,” said the Irishman “but it did happen to my sister!”

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
17/12/2008 15:25

Paddy and his two friends, Bill and Simon, are talking at a bar..

Bill says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.”

“What makes you think that?” asks Paddy.

“Well the other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”

Simon then says: “Same with me! I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber.”

“The other day I found a wrench under the bed and that wasn’t mine.”

“That’s all three of us then,” says Paddy: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”

Bill and Simon look at him with utter disbelief.

“No, I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
17/12/2008 15:28

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his new Buick Rendezvous into an Irish petrol station. An attendant greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware who the driver is.."top o'the mornin to ya"..

As Tiger gets out of the car, two golfing tees fall out of his pocket.

"So what are those, son?" ask the attendant.

"They're called tees," replied Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replied Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary and' Joseph!" exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Buick think of everything!"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
17/12/2008 15:29

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" .

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply."Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
17/12/2008 15:30

An Irish girl finally got her fiancé to the altar two weeks before Easter.



On their wedding night, she put on a very short, sexy nightgown and crawled into bed. But her husband didn't respond.



"What's wrong?" she asked.



"I... I can't make love," he answered. "It's Lent."



"Lent?" she shouted. "To whom and for how long?"

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
17/12/2008 16:04

Irish couple on honeymoon,and new wife in bed starkers.



husband sat on balcony looking up at the stars -are you a Patrick Moore fan,when are you coming to bed Paddy? ........

Nope,I've been told that this is one of the best nights of your life,and I dont want to miss a minute of it

Al the Badger


Joined: 06/02/2008
Posts: 130

Message Posted:
17/12/2008 16:35

....and so as to appease the Chinese :-

A woman was becoming very distraught. She had not had any dates, let alone any sexual release, in over a year.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.

So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off aw your crose. ' The woman did as she was told. 'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'

Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary diease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'

Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease ?'

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your f

Al the Badger


Joined: 06/02/2008
Posts: 130

Message Posted:
17/12/2008 16:36

face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.'

Al the Badger


Joined: 06/02/2008
Posts: 130

Message Posted:
17/12/2008 16:58

face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.'

Al the Badger


Joined: 06/02/2008
Posts: 130

Message Posted:
17/12/2008 16:59

Oops. That shouldn't have happened twice. Velly sorree ah so !!

davedee



Joined: 01/12/2008
Posts: 479

Message Posted:
17/12/2008 18:24

three students doing a psychiatry lesson first student was asked" what is the opposite of joy" she said "sorrow"the second student was asked "whats the opposite of depression" he said "happiness " then paddy was asked "whats the opposite of woe?" he replied "giddy up"!

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
17/12/2008 20:05

Bunch of lunatics go for a night out in a pub. Supervisor goes to landlord,and says - dont worry if they give you bottle tops,silver paper or milk bottle tops - I'll settle up at end of night.







Few hours later,everyone is staggering out - landlord says to supervisor - I thought you were going to settle up for tonight?



..... certainly - have you got change for a dustbin lid?

Blackpoolfan


Joined: 03/12/2008
Posts: 1568

Message Posted:
19/12/2008 01:19

Chinese 69....... 2 can chew!