Joke Some Good Scottish Humour

stevie-d



Joined: 13/07/2007
Posts: 1420

Message Posted:
09/02/2012 20:08

Ye ken yur a Scot if .........read to the very end !!



Ye ken yur a Scot if .........read to the very end !!



           Are you Scottish? I am........... You know you are a true Scot if............



           Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, Sauchiehall St , St Enoch, Auchtermuchty and Aufurfuksake.



           Yer used tae four seasons in wan day.



           Ye kin fall about pished withoot spilling yer drink.



           Ye measure distance in meenits.



           Ye kin unnerstaun Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like him, in yer ain faimly.



           Ye kin make hael sentences jist wae sweer wurds



           Ye know whit haggis is made ae and stull like eating it.



           Somedy ye know his used a fitba schedule tae plan thur wedding day date.



           You've been at a wedding and fitba scores are announced in the Church/Chapel.



           Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n chips, irn-

stevie-d



Joined: 13/07/2007
Posts: 1420

Message Posted:
09/02/2012 20:12

           And finally......



           A wee Glesga wumman goes intae a butcher shop, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with his erse aimed at an electric fire.

The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks, 'Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?' 'Naw,' replies the butcher. 'It's jist ma haun's ah'm heatin'

stevie-d



Joined: 13/07/2007
Posts: 1420

Message Posted:
09/02/2012 20:15

Sorry 1 little bit missing from msg.1 which was meant to cont. With irn-bru a in the wan shop. This what happens when you cut and paste long jokes.



stevie-d

rowlo



Joined: 12/10/2008
Posts: 4796

Message Posted:
09/02/2012 21:05

jock with broken lawnmower ,

driving home from work ,looks to the verge sees 2 people eating the grass , stops his car and says , why are you eating the grass ?

we are rumanian immigrants , thirsty and starving , jump in said jock ,

2 miles down the road , rumanian woman starts screaming , my babys my babys , jock looks to the verge and sees 2 kids eating the grass , are they your kids he asks ? yes says the couple , jock stops the car and puts the kids in ,

2 miles further down the road , the whole family start screaming , mama papa , jock looks to the verge and sees an elderly couple eating the grass ,

jock turns to the family in the back and says ,

what size of lawn do you think i.ve got ?

mikelapta



Joined: 20/11/2008
Posts: 2186

Message Posted:
09/02/2012 21:07

Can I vote to ensure you get Independence?You are a "foreign country"





Mike

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
09/02/2012 21:13

An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincents Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states. 

 

Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. 

 

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars. 

 

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
09/02/2012 21:13

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies. 

 

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. 

 

He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies". 

 

To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in my veins".

rowlo



Joined: 12/10/2008
Posts: 4796

Message Posted:
09/02/2012 21:51

doyen ,

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
09/02/2012 22:14

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
09/02/2012 22:16

It is true then that a Scot is a Yorkshireman with the generosity removed ?

PaulW



Joined: 20/07/2009
Posts: 651

Message Posted:
09/02/2012 22:25

Bill....it's the way you tell em

phylray



Joined: 21/09/2007
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
09/02/2012 22:28

Enjoyed the jokes Stevie, and I must say the only mean ones I've ever met have never been Scotsman

They will never let a lady buy a drink!

kaiserphil


Joined: 14/12/2008
Posts: 1096

Message Posted:
09/02/2012 23:03

Cracking stuff, Stevie and Rowlo, thanks for that. Why is a 50p piece shaped the way it is?

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
09/02/2012 23:05

So it can be removed from a Jock's clenched fist with a spanner ?

kaiserphil


Joined: 14/12/2008
Posts: 1096

Message Posted:
09/02/2012 23:08

You got it!

spider


Joined: 03/01/2009
Posts: 5527

Message Posted:
09/02/2012 23:12

My Mother was a Scot. She use to say that '' people can take her as she is '' ~~~~~~





Nobody took her !



Bless her





Spider,X

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
10/02/2012 08:57

Jock is leaving home to go to the front line in the trenches during the first world war, his mother is heart broken..she bids jock a farewell,tears streaming down her face.

Jock arrives at the train station of his home town waiting to head south before he is sent oversees, when he realises he has forgotten his kilt...just at that time a train pulls in..from the train emerges his old friend sandy just back from the trenches...jock greets his friend and tells him off his plight, that he has forgotten his kilt and that he cant leave the station to retrieve it.

Sandy says he will nip up to his house and pick it up before jocks train takes him south.

sandy runs as fast as he can to jock's house..bangs on the door and shouts jocks kilt...jocks kilt !!!



His mother Fainted ....

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
10/02/2012 09:14

Scottish painter - 3 black men on a bench painting,

This is a true story...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcVqQyF5DCo

Navek

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
10/02/2012 09:22

A very popular Scotsman dies in Glasgow and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says

"I’d like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband"

The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"

The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says

"You wont get many words for that but write something and we’ll see if it’s ok"

So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads

"Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid".

He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things.

The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hands the paper over the counter again.

The man then reads

"Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid.



Ford Escort an a Black Dug for sale"

ilk22


Joined: 18/05/2011
Posts: 136

Message Posted:
10/02/2012 09:31

MSG 18

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
10/02/2012 11:10

Jock won £500 on a radio competition this morning.

The DJ called him and said, "We are going live in a few seconds, I'm going to ask you what you're going to spend your money on and I want you to tell the listeners on air."



"Okay" Jock replied.



He said, "3...2....1..... Congratulations to Jock our competition winner, what are you going to spend the money on?"



Jock said, "I'm going to spend it on air."

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
10/02/2012 11:15

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the

worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

gracey


Joined: 04/02/2012
Posts: 142

Message Posted:
10/02/2012 11:29

LOL 21 and 22!!! :D

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
10/02/2012 18:42

Englishman sitting in a pub in Aberdeen, all the prices are 1956 prices..barman notices the guy aint drinking.. he asks why you not drinking john, its 1956 prices...i know came the reply..im waiting on the happy hour...

phylray



Joined: 21/09/2007
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
10/02/2012 19:46

Guid yin, Jock