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astro941


Joined: 22/05/2011
Posts: 193

Message Posted:
08/03/2012 12:33

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Message 1 of 22 in Discussion

Eh up mi ducks

Strange since coming.

To this Isle

I have developed.

A Yorks/Notts accent

Many will feel that.

I have reinvented misel

Not so sceptics



Mi Dad wor a retired

An ighly esteemed.

I Court Juj

Ee owned arf of Nottinghamshire.

And all of Souf Yorkshire.

And all the mineral rites.

There under.

All ok till. them tykes struck.



But back to me, I was named Arkle

After a Race hors, cud av bin wurs.

Cud av bin Red Bum

An I grew up wi two Nannies.

In a nursery, in a big ouse

We never ad ote to du.

Wi them pit boys.



Mi Dad he always sed

Arkle my dear boy.

Keep away from those snotty

Miners sons, one day you will.

Need to work them half

To death and this is how.

It is my boy, Black Gold

Pay them nowt!



How did I get here

Well the strikers struck.

Mi Dad croaked

And here I am.

Inherited the lot

Donít know how them.

Pensioners manage to

Survive on their money.



astro941


Joined: 22/05/2011
Posts: 193

Message Posted:
08/03/2012 12:34

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Message 2 of 22 in Discussion

So here I am out of bed

Rub my left eye.

Feed the dog

Wash, shave, dress.

And go, we are off to Larnaca

To pick up the missus.

Tired from cleaning the house

Yes you all know.



Turn on to the Lapta strip

Thinking of new expletives,

To use, being bored with Fs and Bs

The W one also and T and S and SH.

Why do they do it?

Hereís one now, yes turn straight.

In front of me you FB, sorry, woman

Driver so it is FB you blind B.



Passing St Hillerious now up the hill

He got it right build a B Castle.

Keep the bandits away

B new speed camera.

Didnít flash, funny name

For a bloke in a mac.

Down the hill now

To Goonhilly roundabout.



















I was told that St Hillerious

Was a puff, not PC that? it is,

I have a friend who is a PC

And he is gay, they tell me.

At training college he was an

Expert with handcuffs and truncheon.

Argh thereís someone up me arse

I hate Goonhilly Roundabout.



Hang a right, looking in

Eight different directions.

At once, indi



astro941


Joined: 22/05/2011
Posts: 193

Message Posted:
08/03/2012 12:37

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Message 3 of 22 in Discussion



Hang a right, looking in

Eight different directions.

At once, indicate, indicate

You F,B, (forgot C), C, W,T,

SH, indicate you W.B,Fer.

Wonder why they call it Goonhilly?

No radar on it is there?

Loads of rubbish though.



Past the statue I like

Hang a left, my mate Oz.

And I, no, he is not a puff

Have been past here.

At least ten times

He always says, see.

That shop there

The sell a whole chicken



Itís only 10tl and you get rice

And salad and a drink.

I have decide next time we

Are passing and he says that.

I am going to stop the

Car and ram a whole chicken.

Into his mouth to shut him up

Not PC, well he wonít be hungry.



Bumps now, bumpety, bumpety

Bump, speed merchant passing.

You B stupid F B call yourself

A driver, big bump. Plop, oh no.

Me glass eye has popped out

Let me just scroll up to see.

If it is my left or right, left

What do I do now?





Dogs no good fast asleep

Probably swallow it anyway.

Dark now, pull in, stop the car

Find my



astro941


Joined: 22/05/2011
Posts: 193

Message Posted:
08/03/2012 12:37

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Message 4 of 22 in Discussion

Now where do you put a glass eye

That needs cleaning when driving.

Glove box, no, top pocket, no

popped it in my mouth, not tasty.

At all, got rid of hairs and my

glass eye felt brand new.

I rolled it around like a boiled sweet

Wonder what teeth look like from the back.



Quick wipe and pop it in and rub

Off we go feeling like a one eyed.

Laurence of Arabia with his

Faithfull dog Rumpy Pumpy.

Whatís wrong with that?

Itís quite a long story

But I call him rump for short.

I donít think it makes him feel an arse.















Ah , the crossing , check pockets

For passport, no, check glove box.

No BH and B,B,B,B,B,B

Check pockets again.

I know--------------------------------for security reasons.

Got it, Check for ups and downs.

Stand in line, Watching dog

Licking car windows.



My turn, man checks my passport

Then on his computer ifí:

1. I am here!

2. I am not here!

3 Do I owe any money!

4. I have any writs from Akfinans bank.

Issues me a 90 visa



astro941


Joined: 22/05/2011
Posts: 193

Message Posted:
08/03/2012 12:40

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Message 5 of 22 in Discussion

Why did I have to get residency?



Proceeding to the insurance kiosk

Always a woman.

I always smile and chat her up

Are you married I say.

No she says taking my money

Why not says I, you are pretty.

Because of Bs like you

Efharisto she says.



You will get Efinharisto

Euros, strange world.

Dog gets up from his

Hiding place under.

The back seat

No ups and downs you see.

How does he know border checks

Bloodhound, he just nose.



Pull a right, pull a right, pull a left

Motorway now, eye tastes of mint.

Maybe from the chewing gum

Im looking forward to using that.

Iím early, dog needs comfort break

So do I, Larnaca sea front,nice.

I forgot me socket, Taking my

Handerchief out, it was fairly clean.







I wondered if Oz would have

Finished the chicken by now?

Dog and I behind a bush

Rump farts , I canít move.

It makes me gag, shake leg

Come on Rump you dirty B.

Iím glad he canít speak back

You want to hear him howl.



astro941


Joined: 22/05/2011
Posts: 193

Message Posted:
08/03/2012 12:41

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Message 6 of 22 in Discussion

Time for a beer and water the dog.

Smoke a fag, Dog sleeps.

Farting occasionally

Must have been the.

Christmas.Pudding this morning

Thinking of Rumpy Pumpy tonight.

No not dog, the Missis

Its been a long time, I will ask her.





Time to go, come on dog

Your Mum will be here soon.

What stupid things we say

It implies that the woman is a bitch.

Now I donít call drivers here that.

Well only occasionally.

Not PC at all, I get upset

When women call me donk.



We are off, if I can find the way.

I prefer Arkle with the sparkle.

Which way do I go, itís no fun

With a glass eye, I have a neck.

Like a swivelling ball socket

Dogs farting, wind window down.

It must be up this way

Out in the sticks now.



















Oh no, we are lost

Dog gives a snore.

I look at the map

No idea, yes I have.

Look at the sky

Thatís it follow an aircraft.

Dog wakes up we bounce

On a track, I have a 4x4



Brilliant idea following a jet

Missis would have gone.

Barmy if I wa



astro941


Joined: 22/05/2011
Posts: 193

Message Posted:
08/03/2012 12:42

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Message 7 of 22 in Discussion

Brilliant idea following a jet

Missis would have gone.

Barmy if I was late

Meaning no Rumpy Pumpy.

Jets gone, stop and wait

Let out a large fart.

Dog wines he is defeated

Wind window up and look.



Yes Jet, close to the ground

Looks like Jet 3.

Barbed wire, too late

Very close now, can see.

The runway, yippee, we made it.

I can see the tower.

These Greeks are kind

They have sent an escort.



They greet me, a police land rover

With flashing light and 3 jeeps.

Also with flashing lights, I feel like

Royalty, they all wave at me.

I wave back, dog barks

The police vehicle has a sign

Follow me, the soldiers in the jeeps

Salute me by pointing their guns.

















They never do this at Ercan

VIP treatment, just to pick up.

We drive off the airport side

I must thank these people.

For their courtesy

They are now ringing my vehicle

I know, I seen it in Zorba the Greek

They are going to dance.



astro941


Joined: 22/05/2011
Posts: 193

Message Posted:
08/03/2012 12:43

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Message 8 of 22 in Discussion

A big bang, they all look round

Radios call them away.

I drive to the arrivals gate

But as you know, this B chap.

Shoos you away

I say Iím a VIP.

He says FO in Greek

This sounds very much.



Like you say it in English

Wish I had told him I was Caruthers.

From the BHC but I have not got

The right chin and a plaster on it,

From my search for a Kocan.

I should have pulled the socket trick.

I once filled it with custard and jam

At a four year olds birthday party.



This is how I ended up divorced

My wife and daughter have.

Never spoken to me since

There was no mess.

I used a small spoon and ate

The custard and jam.

What did I do wrong?

B PC Bs



















They are dangerous they

Oh no thats PCBs.

Plane is landing now

Rumpy Pumpy tonight.

I stroke my blood hound

He kisses my nose.

Greek music on radio

Get my off white hanky out.



astro941


Joined: 22/05/2011
Posts: 193

Message Posted:
08/03/2012 12:46

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Message 9 of 22 in Discussion

Move and park up

Contemplating nuptials.

Long time, feeling arousal

No itís not, just another fart due.

Gertrude is a lady out of bed and a

Matelot in bed. Well she sings.

What shall we do with a drunken sailor

Every time I come back from the pub.



Musing and waving hanky around

Policeman taps on window.

Had enough, pop eye out

And smile at him he recoils.

But holds his ground

Turn up volume, stuff hanky.

In socket and wind window down

He runs, check watch.



Continue Zorba in a car

Might catch on, bit of a cult.

Wipe glass eye with hanky

Pop it back in socket and rub.

I know, Iíve been wondering

About the rub too.

Time to drive to arrivals

And pick up Gertrude.



















Now I did tell you about Gert

You will see how loving she.

Can be and she is attractive

She has had one kebab man.

Two gardeners and a

Homeless person chatting

Her up, could do with a gardener.

Mind you I do love Gert.



.



astro941


Joined: 22/05/2011
Posts: 193

Message Posted:
08/03/2012 12:46

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Message 10 of 22 in Discussion

I will protect her virtue

From any slash and burn.

Johnnie, mind you a gardener

Would be so handy.

Eunuch springs to mind

Now that would be acceptable.

He would need his own tools

Oops!



I wonder what it is like that

You know, snookered.

I bet you would have to get

Your Y fronts altered.

Y not? Reminds me of part

Of the Chorus to a song.

Called My Brother Sylvest

ĎPlenty room for me and you.



Keeping one eye out for Gert

I will re phrase that.

Watching for Gertí

I wipe my face, polish me eye.

Wipe the dogs face, blow

Me nose and prepare to.

Jump out, hug and kiss Gert

Rumpy Pumpy tonight.













I switch Stavros off

Humming, if luck were.

A lady tonight.

Wind all windows down.

To get rid of stale farts

Here she comes.

Leap out, trip over cone

Left by bilingual FO man



Vault luggage and hug Gert

Gert. Gert, my darling I say

Stop over acting says Gert

I kiss her and realise I had.

Forgotten the dog

I see the dog, a police woman

And a poli



astro941


Joined: 22/05/2011
Posts: 193

Message Posted:
08/03/2012 12:49

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Message 11 of 22 in Discussion

Vault luggage and hug Gert

Gert. Gert, my darling I say

Stop over acting says Gert

I kiss her and realise I had.

Forgotten the dog

I see the dog, a police woman

And a police dog, Rumpy

Pumpy has mounted the



Police dog. The police woman

Is overacting, taking little.

Notice of the tryst, what

Shall I do, socket or a manful.

Clipping of lead and dragging

Rumpy away. Choosing the lead.

Neither bitch or dog were happy

And the police woman cried.



I put Rumpy in the car and wipe.

His face with me hanky, he stinks.

Go back to Gert who gazes into my

Eyes. I pick up her bags and.

We go to the car, as soon as we

Get in the car Rumpy starts to howl.

I say shut up, thinking he is a bloodhound.

After all, my heart was sinking.



I say to Gert, I love you darling

And tonight we will be one,

Gertrude shakes her head

Itís me time she whispers.

The howl, I already knew.

I stifle a B H and Gert cries.

Why the whisper?

I knew, Dog new first.



astro941


Joined: 22/05/2011
Posts: 193

Message Posted:
08/03/2012 12:50

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Message 12 of 22 in Discussion

I put my arm around her

And squeeze, my little lemon

I say, Gert says have you got a hanky.

Sure says I and give her mine

I love her so much.

Well, no rumpy pumpy tonight

Rumpy Pumpy is on

The back seat grinning



A tear comes to me eye

It has all been too much.

Can I have me hanky back

Itís out the window. She growls.

Looking at me

In the way that only.

Women and cage fighters can.

Letís stay here the night,



My pleasure my dear

Hotel it is, I think of Guinness.

Dog friendly Hotel means

Allows male groups. Bar

Would you like a drink first

No she tartly snaps.

Oh B, I say to me self but

Tomorrow is another day



Jonesy299


Joined: 07/02/2009
Posts: 367

Message Posted:
08/03/2012 14:40

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Message 13 of 22 in Discussion

Les - your proses were entertaining to begin with but you should quit while you are ahead (too long now and too dull). Make it shorter??



yenibob


Joined: 13/10/2010
Posts: 1203

Message Posted:
08/03/2012 15:57

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Message 14 of 22 in Discussion

I gave up the will to live very early on. Is the OP not well?



Deniz1


Joined: 28/07/2009
Posts: 3829

Message Posted:
08/03/2012 16:55

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Message 15 of 22 in Discussion

And your point is?



MrsSnakes



Joined: 19/12/2008
Posts: 1100

Message Posted:
08/03/2012 17:04

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Message 16 of 22 in Discussion

I'm lost for words!! ...........



Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
08/03/2012 17:34

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Message 17 of 22 in Discussion

I'm more interested in how you escaped the asylum.....



rosylee


Joined: 22/07/2010
Posts: 158

Message Posted:
08/03/2012 18:00

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Message 18 of 22 in Discussion

You lost your (almost) Yorkshire accent !! Well done ...most enertaining



I have worked with mental patients and I will award you a score of 85 out of 100........Perhaps now the wife is back you will get back to 'normal'



Bless his little cotton socks!



AlsancakJack



Joined: 14/08/2008
Posts: 5762

Message Posted:
08/03/2012 18:35

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Message 19 of 22 in Discussion

astro941

Don't give up the day job, that's providing you have one.



EamonnMc


Joined: 18/06/2010
Posts: 1019

Message Posted:
08/03/2012 18:49

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Message 20 of 22 in Discussion

You better start taking your medication again.



Ed1957


Joined: 03/09/2011
Posts: 377

Message Posted:
08/03/2012 18:52

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Message 21 of 22 in Discussion

Ego Ego good job He go



Atlanticstar


Joined: 07/03/2012
Posts: 1

Message Posted:
09/03/2012 15:55

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Message 22 of 22 in Discussion

Hilarious!



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