A coupla three old jokies on this fine Spring day!!!

Tenakoutou



Joined: 27/07/2009
Posts: 4110

Message Posted:
08/03/2012 15:29

I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Gran's dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't ever be able to forgive myself.



Matt Lucas's ex-partner hanged himself this week. Matt is said to be distraught but on a lighter note, is now the only gay in the village.



A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom.

"Holy F**k" she screams "And YOU want ME to see a doctor about sucking my thumb...!!



Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.

A man asks "What's wrong?"

Boy says "Me Ma is dead"

"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to fetch Father O'Riley ?"

Wee boy replies "No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."



Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after. She went shopping, drank vodka with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a wardrobe full of shoes and bags, stayed skinny and was never farted on. THE END.

Tenakoutou



Joined: 27/07/2009
Posts: 4110

Message Posted:
08/03/2012 15:40

...and a coupla three more.....



Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. Told them to "F*** Off". Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!



Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her gob shut.



Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?



Man lost in a hot air balloon over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?"

The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me ya bastard, you're in that feckin basket!"



Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.



Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her".



Operator: "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"



CLICK,BANG



Paddy "OK, done that, what next?"

Tenakoutou



Joined: 27/07/2009
Posts: 4110

Message Posted:
08/03/2012 15:47

and this!



Three men - an Australian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a  

Biker are all walking together one day.  

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.  

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',  

says the Genie.  



The Australian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm.  I want the land to be forever fertile in  Australia   '  

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in  Australia  was forever fertile for farming.  

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan ,   Palestine ,  Iraq and Iran  so that no infidels, Americans or Australians  can come into our precious land.'  

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.  

The Biker says,'I am very curious.   Please tell me more about this wall.'  

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet  high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;   it's virtually imp

Tenakoutou



Joined: 27/07/2009
Posts: 4110

Message Posted:
08/03/2012 15:50

cont'd >



Nothing can get in or out;   it's virtually impenetrable.'  

The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a joint, smiles and says,  

 'Fill it with water.'  



I  pretty much vote this my favourite email of  the  year....

Tenakoutou



Joined: 27/07/2009
Posts: 4110

Message Posted:
09/03/2012 11:16

> >> A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to

> >> a very attractive woman.

> >>

> >> He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a

> >> moment.

> >>

> >> The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

> >>

> >> "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I

> >> was just testing it."

> >>

> >> The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special

> >> about it?"!

> >>

> >> Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

> >>

> >> The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

> >>

> >> "Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."

> >>

> >> The woman giggles and replies," Well it must be broken because I am

> >> wearing knickers!"

> >>

> >>

> >> Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

Tenakoutou



Joined: 27/07/2009
Posts: 4110

Message Posted:
09/03/2012 11:20

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.  It was just After

Eight.



They got off at Quality Street , in front of the Fisherman's Friend pub.



He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole", she said in a

Wispa.



"I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts", he replied.



He touched her Creme Eggs, then slipped his hand into her Snickers. He

fondled her Flap Jacks, while she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a Fab

moment, and she screamed in Turkish Delight.



But three days later his Sherbert Fountain started to drip.



Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett, who had Allsorts.

Tenakoutou



Joined: 27/07/2009
Posts: 4110

Message Posted:
09/03/2012 11:25

A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.



Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.



One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.



As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi.. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.



But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.



Cont'd - wait for it!

Tenakoutou



Joined: 27/07/2009
Posts: 4110

Message Posted:
09/03/2012 11:26

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.



When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.



Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,



'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

Tenakoutou



Joined: 27/07/2009
Posts: 4110

Message Posted:
09/03/2012 11:29

Aussies don't mince words



One thing about blokes from Oz is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place!



T B. Bechtel, a City Councillor from Newcastle, Australia, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists.



His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.



HIS STATEMENT:



'If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camelshagger will save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say,'



'Red is positive,

Black is negative, and

Make sure his nuts are wet.'

Tenakoutou



Joined: 27/07/2009
Posts: 4110

Message Posted:
09/03/2012 11:36

FINALLY, THE 6 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:



Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?



A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.



Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?



A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'



Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?



A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Good year.



Q: WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?



A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.



Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?



A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...



AND:



Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARASSMENT?



A : Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

Tenakoutou



Joined: 27/07/2009
Posts: 4110

Message Posted:
09/03/2012 11:42

> I cross ocean, poor and broke. 

> Take bus, see employment folk. 

>   

> Nice man treat me good in there. 

> Say I need to see welfare. 

>

> Welfare say, 'You come no more, we send cash right to your door.' 

>  

> Welfare cheques - they make you wealthy! NHS - it keep you healthy! 

>

> By and by, I get plenty money. 

> Thanks to you, you British dummy! 

>  

> Write to friends in motherland. 

> Tell them 'come fast as you can.' 

>     

> They come in turbans and Ford trucks,

> And buy big house with welfare bucks! 

>    

> They come here, we live together. 

> More welfare cheques, it gets better! 

>          & nbsp; 

> Fourteen families, they moving in, 

> but neighbour's patience wearing thin. 

> Finally, British guy moves away. 

> Now I buy his house, then I say, 

>      

> 'Find more immigrants for house to rent.' 

> And in the yard I put a tent.



> Everything is very good, 

> and soon we own the neighbourhood. 

> Cont'd!!!         

Tenakoutou



Joined: 27/07/2009
Posts: 4110

Message Posted:
09/03/2012 11:44

> We have hobby, it's called breeding. Welfare pay for baby feeding. 

> Kids need dentist? Wives need pills? We get free! We got no bills! 

> British crazy! They work all year, to keep the welfare running here. 

> We think UK darn good place. 

> Too darn good for British race! 

> If they no like us, they can scram. Got lots of room in Afghanistan ! 

Tenakoutou



Joined: 27/07/2009
Posts: 4110

Message Posted:
09/03/2012 11:54

If your cat comes in stinking of sh1t >>>



This is simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you!

 

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.



 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom...



3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.

























You may need to stand on the lid.

 

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.

Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

 























5.. Flush the toilet three or four times, this provides a 'power-wash and rinse'.



6. Have someone open the front door of your home.

Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

 

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift the lid.



8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom and run outside where he will dry himself off.



Cont'd

Tenakoutou



Joined: 27/07/2009
Posts: 4110

Message Posted:
09/03/2012 11:56

And the bonus is!



9.. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.. 

Jonesy299


Joined: 07/02/2009
Posts: 367

Message Posted:
09/03/2012 12:50

Pleeeaasse stop this!! Just give the link to the website you are scamming this from and put us out of our misery......

Tenakoutou



Joined: 27/07/2009
Posts: 4110

Message Posted:
09/03/2012 14:10

Well, 'Jonesy299'/Msg 15, form the number of 'hits' on my thread it appears your opinion counts for zilch - nothing!



'Put US out of our misery...' - it appears you're the only 'misery-guts' since nobody else has complained!



Have a nice day - well, the rest of it that I haven't yet ruined for you!

Jonesy299


Joined: 07/02/2009
Posts: 367

Message Posted:
09/03/2012 14:16

No probs John - I opened it up to see 3 jokes as per title that's all. Have a nice day too....

Tenakoutou



Joined: 27/07/2009
Posts: 4110

Message Posted:
09/03/2012 14:48

No probs, either, Jonesy - you will gather I often post with tongue in cheek!

slatnumber7


Joined: 25/08/2010
Posts: 299

Message Posted:
09/03/2012 15:42

Good on yer Tenakoutou enjoy the rest of the day, I will.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
09/03/2012 16:19

Today is International Women's Day.

It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.    

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
09/03/2012 22:47

Tenakoutou. I hope the above confirms that your recovery is now absolute ? . A shipwrecked sailor, after years on a deserted Island, was recued by a passing ship. After medication and food he faced a formal interview with the Captain to complete the ship's log. After rank and name details etc the Captain said it must have been hell without fags, booze, and sex. The sailor said he did have sex. Not possible on a deserted Island said the Captain. The sailor explained that he sneaked up behind an Emu when it had it's head in the sand and grabbed it around the neck with both hands. "Strewth, that must have been difficult" said the Captain. The sailor replied "well, it started easy, peasey, but ended with agony, as when it went over 30 miles per hour, I got out of step" !

Tenakoutou



Joined: 27/07/2009
Posts: 4110

Message Posted:
10/03/2012 10:55

A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door

"Is your Dad home?" asked the farmer.

"No mate, he isn't; he went to town."

"Well, is your mother here?"

"No, she went to town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No mate, he went with Mum and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

Tenakoutou



Joined: 27/07/2009
Posts: 4110

Message Posted:
10/03/2012 11:01

"Morning Sex."



She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual



Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only



The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.



As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said



Softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"



My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming



Or this is going to be my lucky day!"



Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then



Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.



Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,



Her T-shirt still around her neck.



Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"



She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Tenakoutou



Joined: 27/07/2009
Posts: 4110

Message Posted:
10/03/2012 11:11

The   Wongs 





Su Wong marries Lee Wong.  The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.



The nurse brings over  a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby  boy.



'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well  Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'  



The puzzled  father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a  white, so I think we will name him...



Are you ready for  this?

  



Sum Ting  Wong





Phew..................can jokes get much worse? Still, worth chucking one like this in so people appreciate the good 'uns!

dippersgirl



Joined: 04/05/2010
Posts: 795

Message Posted:
10/03/2012 11:19

)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Tenakoutou



Joined: 27/07/2009
Posts: 4110

Message Posted:
10/03/2012 13:22

Wiremu, a New Zealand Maori, was  on the dole in Australia,  but  about to fly home

to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well,

So he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun’t feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu

that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the

only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also

advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.

Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around

the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last

opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.



Wait for it....................!

Tenakoutou



Joined: 27/07/2009
Posts: 4110

Message Posted:
10/03/2012 13:23

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."



"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu,

"those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

Tenakoutou



Joined: 27/07/2009
Posts: 4110

Message Posted:
10/03/2012 13:34

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'



She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.



She's such a bitch....... 

dippersgirl



Joined: 04/05/2010
Posts: 795

Message Posted:
14/03/2012 15:36

What did they give you in that hospital??? hehehe

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
14/03/2012 20:05

A knock at the door:



"Mrs. Brown? Your husband has just been run over by a steamroller."



"Oh dear. Look, I'm in the bath. Just slide him under the door, would you?"

Jonholmes


Joined: 08/11/2011
Posts: 184

Message Posted:
14/03/2012 20:10

I went around to my black friends house and was surprised to see niggers out spray painted on the front door, a simple gone shopping would have done .

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
14/03/2012 20:11

I was telling this guy in a pub a story from my football years:



Me: 'It was the final minute of the game, it was there to be won, with this penalty.



I stepped up and smashed it home!'



Him: 'Let me guess, you got mobbed by the fans and treated like a hero?'



Me: 'Nope, my referee license got revoked.'