a Desperately needed joke

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
03/01/2009 20:12

This board is going bonkers - a quick joke to cheer us all up...





Bob Monkhouse once said......



"They laughed when i said i was going to be a commedian - well, guess what, they're not laughing now"





Nick

Harlequin


Joined: 02/10/2008
Posts: 346

Message Posted:
03/01/2009 20:16

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
03/01/2009 20:19

that's a Bradford Park Avenue joke compare to my Liverpool one...



Nick

Harlequin


Joined: 02/10/2008
Posts: 346

Message Posted:
03/01/2009 20:21

Here's a Bradford joke.



Inspired by the attacks in Mumbai, terrorists have stormed the streets of Bradford and are shooting anyone with a British passport.



Police fear the death toll could be as high as 12.

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
03/01/2009 20:23

that's shut me up !!

Blackpoolfan


Joined: 03/12/2008
Posts: 1568

Message Posted:
03/01/2009 23:39

Message 4 got away with it so hear goes,



Happy New Year and have a lovely 1982 from all at the Alzheimer's Society. P.S. Dont forget its bonfire night next week and dont forget your costume........

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
04/01/2009 02:04

Joke from the late great Dave Allen.



Its a fact that 99% of all accidents are caused by sober drivers - if you look at that logically only 1% are caused by drunk drivers - so-



why dont you sober drivers get off the road and let us drunks drive in safety

comodore1


Joined: 12/03/2008
Posts: 19

Message Posted:
04/01/2009 14:10

Tom decided to sell up and go and live in alaska, he is really isolated and his life is great away from civilisation,six months go by and its December,there is a knock on the door.Tom opens the door and a large bearded guy is there ,my name is Largs and I am your next door neighbour,I live forty mile away and I have come to invite you to my new years party,sounds great says Tom I will welcome that, Largs says there will be a lot of drinking,swearing ,fighting,and SEX , Tom says that sounds great I really need that.What should I wear? dont matter much says largs there is only you and me.

irishwrath


Joined: 22/12/2008
Posts: 124

Message Posted:
04/01/2009 14:25

Two cannibals eating a clown, one turns to the other and says " does this taste funny to you" ?

Harlequin


Joined: 02/10/2008
Posts: 346

Message Posted:
04/01/2009 14:59

This thread will soon be closed down as it is in breach of the rule 9. of the forum.



ROFL





9. Jokes

Use "Joke: " in front of the title of all joke posts.

Do not post more than one joke per week.

Barabus



Joined: 04/01/2009
Posts: 163

Message Posted:
04/01/2009 22:53

The week of the Zeebrugger tragedy I was approached by s stranger in the pub....He was very insistent....'DO YOU WANNA BUY A TRUCK ?'...no said said I....but he pestered me for 20 mınutes. 'no really do you want to buy a truck? it's a cracker'...I eventualy got fed up and asked him where did you get a truck to sell...'well it fell off the back of a ferry'

pilgrim



Joined: 11/05/2007
Posts: 1404

Message Posted:
04/01/2009 23:50

A convict breaks into a house and ties up husband and wife. He clutches wife and kisses her ear, then runs to batthroom. the husband whispers to wife, 'Satisfy him or he'll kill us. I saw the way he kissed you, just be strong,I love you.' The wife replied, 'He did'nt kiss me , he whispered in my ear hes gay, horny and looking for vaseline. I told him it's in the bathroom. Lets see who's fxxking strong!

Barabus



Joined: 04/01/2009
Posts: 163

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 20:10

Good one Pilgrim....very !!!!!!........two nuns cut through the woods on the way to the shops and are molested on the way by two lumberjacks.....one turns to the other and asks if she's gonna tell the mother superior....yes twice !!! twice ?....yes i'm going back the same way.

SaorAlba


Joined: 05/01/2009
Posts: 53

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 20:36

What goes in dry, comes out wet and satisfies two people?



























A tea bag.

Dusterbruce


Joined: 03/08/2007
Posts: 1125

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 22:28

Jane met Tarzan in the jungle.



She was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex? 'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.



Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said 'Oh, Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.' Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.'



She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. 'Here,' she said, pointing, 'you must put it in here.'



Tarzan immediately removed his loincloth, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the groin!



Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.



Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed 'What did you do that for?



' Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel'.

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
06/01/2009 18:39

Sister Monica went to see the Mother Superior who said " Sister I understand that you had a man in your room last night"



"Yes,I cannot tell a lie,I did - but he was a Saint" replied Sister Monica



"How can you sure that this man was a Saint dear Sister?"



"Simple,Mother Superior - he had Saint Michael in his underpants"

LilleJoe


Joined: 18/12/2008
Posts: 18

Message Posted:
06/01/2009 18:40

Cyprus problem has been solved.

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
06/01/2009 19:01

Whats the difference between a pint and a P ?

























- about 20 minutes

irishwrath


Joined: 22/12/2008
Posts: 124

Message Posted:
06/01/2009 19:26

The Mother Superior called sister jane to here office and said " I understand you did not put your habit in to be wash last week.



Sister jane says " No Mother Superior "



" well they both have to be washed today, so while the rest of us go out you can stay in and do the washing" says the Mother Superior.



So jane stands there naked doing the washing she hears a knock on the fronts door, she asks who is it ?



"John the blind man from the village" comes the reply.



Sister jane thinks I can open the door, john will be none the wiser of my nakedness, So Sister jane opens the door.



John said " Nice boobs, now where do you want me to put these blinds ?