NOW This could get me done

Taz666


Joined: 21/12/2008
Posts: 180

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 22:08

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said no Permanent.



I bought some Armageddon cheese today, it said on the packet best before End.



I went to the shop and said "can someone sell me a kettle?" The bloke said Kenwood, I said 'where is he then'



My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He['s bi-satchel



I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down



This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and say's 'Audi'



I was stealing in the supermarket today balanced on the shouders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shop lifting on two counts.



I went to the video shop and said 'Can I borrow Batman for Ever?' he said 'No you will have to bring it back tomorrow'

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 22:11

taz you are a scream that has cracked me up. At least we are keeping the war off the top and whilst i dont wish to you to thiink i do not take it seriously I do, but it was all out of hand. keep them coming xxxx

kenny b


Joined: 12/09/2008
Posts: 211

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 22:24

Taz 666

Very funny keep em coming

Kenny

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 22:25

Murphys Nails!



Murphy has has own nail making business, and he wants it to be the best in

the world. So he goes to a top advertising agency to have them create a

marketing strategy. The agency assures him they can create a memorable

advertising campaign in a week.



The following week Murphy goes back to the agency and is shown in to a

small theatre to view the finished commercial.



The lights go off and screen springs into life.



On the screen is a sunset over a desert. The camera pans around to a hill

and zooms in to the top of the hill. At the top of the hill is a wooden

pole. The camera climbs up the pole to where a couple of feet are hanging.

It then carries on up to a man's torso, up to his face, and there is Jesus'

face. It then moves along an outstretched arm, to a hand pinned firmly to a

stake by a gleaming nail. On the nail is proudly emblazoned:



Murphy's Nails

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 22:27

"Murphy's nails - they'll never let you down"



Murphy is outraged, "You'll get me shut down," he screams, "That's

blasphemous! I'll give you a week to come up with a decent campaign or I'll

go elsewhere. "



A week later Murphy goes back to the advertising agency and is shown into

the theatre. "This had better be an improvement" he warns. The lights dim

and the screen leaps into life.



On the screen is a Roman street with lots of people milling about. The

camera then pans quickly to left to see Jesus running like hell being

pursued by two Roman guards. The camera then zooms in on the two guards, to catch one saying to the other "This would never have happened if we'd used Murphy's nails."

Taz666


Joined: 21/12/2008
Posts: 180

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 22:27

Navek make mine look fantastic lol

Taz666


Joined: 21/12/2008
Posts: 180

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 22:29

Take a look at 4 Lilli thread for part 2

Coachie



Joined: 29/07/2008
Posts: 2135

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 22:38

Tazz666.A woman is watching 3 Irishmen working on a garden.First one is digging the hole,second one is flling it in and third one is patting it down nice and tidely. The women remarks to the first Irishman

"That seems abit pointless,three of you to do that"

"ah,well you see,there is normally four of us "says the Irishman

"and what does he do then" asks the woman

"He normally puts the tree in but he is off sick today" came the reply

Lemtich



Joined: 15/02/2007
Posts: 1487

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 22:45

What goes clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, BANG! clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, clip clop,clip clop....















































An Amish drive by shooting!



Lem

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 22:46

A blonde with multiple problems goes in to see her doctor.

"Doctor," she says, "It hurts when I touch my forehead.

It hurts when I touch my nose.

It hurts when I touch my elbow.

What's wrong with me?"

The doctor asks, "Are you a natural blonde?"

"Yes," she replies proudly.













"Ah, then your finger is broken!"

Taz666


Joined: 21/12/2008
Posts: 180

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 22:49

Lemtich getting there that one made me giggle

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 22:50

you lot are all so funny i have totally cracked up keep on xxxxxxxxx

Taz666


Joined: 21/12/2008
Posts: 180

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 22:51

Lilli take a look at the thread just 4 Lilli

Oh and part 3

Lemtich



Joined: 15/02/2007
Posts: 1487

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 22:55

Have you seen that film, "The Magic Tractor"?



No? Neither have I, but I've seen the trailer!



Lem

Taz666


Joined: 21/12/2008
Posts: 180

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 22:58

Lemtich - crashed and burnt with that 1

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 23:03

taz you are a real star i havent had such a good laugh in a very long time thank you xxxxx

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 23:11

An Texan was visiting a farm where the local shepherd was tending his sheep.

When they came across an ewe with her head caught in a fence.

The shepherd dropped his trousers,

got down on his knees and had his way with the ewe.

Satisfied, the shepherd buttoned up and turned to the Texan.

'Fancy a go?' asked the shepherd

'Don't mind if I do...' said the Texan,

so he drops his trousers,

gets on his knees,









and sticks his head in the fence.....

Taz666


Joined: 21/12/2008
Posts: 180

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 23:19

Lilli your very welcome

Taz666


Joined: 21/12/2008
Posts: 180

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 23:23

If it take 2 men 2 weeks to dig a hole



how long does it take for 1 man to dig half that hole



answers on a postcard please

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 23:27

There’s an Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.



The Englishman says: “ I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes.

I was really shocked as I didn’t even know she smokes!



The Scotsman says: “That’s nothing.

I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other days when I found a half full bottle of Vodka.

I was really shocked as I didn’t even know she drank!“



With that the Irishman says: “Both of you have got nothing to worry about.

I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day when I found

a packet of condoms.

I was really shocked.













I didn’t even know she had a willy!“

Lemtich



Joined: 15/02/2007
Posts: 1487

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 23:28

What the hell is half a hole?



Lem

Taz666


Joined: 21/12/2008
Posts: 180

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 23:32

you got it Lem, in a way, you can't dig half an hole, a hole is a hole



Nav like that one

Taz666


Joined: 21/12/2008
Posts: 180

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 23:38

I went in to the pet shop and said 'can I buy a goldfish?' the guy said 'do you want an aquarium?' I said 'I don't care what star sign it is'



I went to buy a watch and the man in the shop said 'Analogue' I said 'no just a watch.



I went to the doctors, I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said 'You've got cholera'



I met a bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R



I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke that answered just went on and on.



The job centre said to me 'what do you think of voluntary work?' I said ' I would'nt do it if you paid me'



I told my mum that I was opening a theatre. She said ' Are you having me on?' I said 'well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising anything.

Lemtich



Joined: 15/02/2007
Posts: 1487

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 23:48

I had to go to the Doctors' surgery today, I went in and told the receptionist I had a 5 o'clock appointment.



"Which Doctor"? she asked.



"No, an ordinary one, if there's one available", I replied.



Now I don't expect that sort of language from a Doctors' receptionist, no matter how young she is.



I go in to see the quack.



"Oh, I haven't seen you for sometime", he remarks.



"Well, I've been ill"!



What has happened to the NHS?



Thrown out of a Doctors surgery is not my idea of a health service!



Lem

Taz666


Joined: 21/12/2008
Posts: 180

Message Posted:
05/01/2009 23:59

I phoned the local builders today and asked the 'could I have a skip outside my house' He said 'I'm not stopping you'



I was driving up the motorway and my boss phonedme and told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higherand I swerved again. He then made me Manageing Director and I went of the road in to a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'



I visited the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you could'nt swing a cat in there.



I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar?' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.



I phoned the local Gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. the lady said 'How flexible are you?' I said 'I can't make Tuesday's and Thursdays.

Harold2555



Joined: 19/04/2008
Posts: 1139

Message Posted:
06/01/2009 00:03

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.



I saw this bloke in the high street and the back of his anorak was flicking up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said "Do you earn a living doing that?" He said "Yes, this my lively hood."



A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down; you'll just have to be a little patient."



The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh***ing herself.