I am your Mum

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
16/01/2009 09:55

I read a story about a woman in the early 1960's who was forced by her parents to give her daughter up for adoption. It would seem that after searching for her for 20 years she had now managed to find her. She sent her a letter explaining the circumstances for giving her up for adoption and asked if she could meet her. The daughter wrote back saying that she wants nothing to do with her. It appears that the mother is heartbroken and really wants to make contact. "I just want to give her a hug" she said.



What do you think, should the daughter relent and see her birth mother. Or should the mother move on and let her daughter have her wish?

Harold2555



Joined: 19/04/2008
Posts: 1139

Message Posted:
16/01/2009 10:17

I've always felt it had to be a two way street, that both parties really wanted it to happen.

When it doesn't as in thos case, its tragic and you fel for the mother, but I'm sure the daughter has her reasons.



Harold

frontalman



Joined: 28/02/2008
Posts: 499

Message Posted:
16/01/2009 10:18

I don't think there are any "shoulds". The daughter has her own feelings and is entitled to react to those feelings how she chooses. Painful for the mother, but she needs to deal with her feelings about the daughter's decision.

Taz666


Joined: 21/12/2008
Posts: 180

Message Posted:
16/01/2009 10:27

I was adopted in 1964, the point is this she is not her daughter in all matters that count, like my adoptive mum (real mum we call them) her adoptive mother has given all the love, care, attension, done all the teaching of right and wrong, been there for all the upsets, bad and good times etc etc, even when you meet your birth mother as I have the mother may have emotions but not the child, my advice is to leave her be, she now knows where she is, if she the daughter then wants to meet SHE will contact HER, if she does this she MAY gain a friend but she will never gain the daughter she gave up. sorry but thats how it is.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
16/01/2009 10:37

Taz66. A poignant post.



I think your statement "she now knows where she is, if she the daughter then wants to meet SHE will contact HER, if she does this she MAY gain a friend but she will never gain the daughter she gave up" ...says it all. Well done.

lesleyb


Joined: 27/02/2008
Posts: 126

Message Posted:
16/01/2009 10:55

I was adopted from a very early age and decided as I was growing up that I would like to know more about my biological parents especially once I had my own children. I did trace my mother and kept in touch for a few months she wasn`t prepared to fill in all the gaps and answer all the many questions I had and as that was the main reason for me contacting her in the first place we eventually just lost touch, my adoptive parents were both very supportive, and were the best parents a child could ever have had. I don`t regret having traced her and I believed her when she said she was glad I had found her, but we both had our own lives to lead and we respected each others privacy, this all happened 20 odd years ago and I never think about it, but reading this story does make me think how different things could`ve been. I truely hope she is able to accept how her daughter feels and is able to move on.



Kind regards

Lesley

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
16/01/2009 11:15

Another good relevant post. Thanks Lesley.

Taz666


Joined: 21/12/2008
Posts: 180

Message Posted:
16/01/2009 11:34

I was adopted on the 1st October

My son was born on the 1st October

We named our son Paul

My birth mother had a daughter she named Paula



How strange is that?

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
16/01/2009 11:55

Taz666 - that's very strange!

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
16/01/2009 12:51

I was adopted, managed to trace my birth mother, it didn't work out and I only saw her once, and it only left me with more emotions than when I began the search. There are some success story's and good for them.

http://www.missing-you.net/ Here is a good place to start if your looking for someone.



Vicki

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
16/01/2009 14:02

Well done Vicki for sharing this with us.

Marcos



Joined: 10/12/2008
Posts: 14

Message Posted:
16/01/2009 14:20

Frontalman, my dear chap, time changes everything and there are always two sides, the daughter is obviously very bitter and may not have had a good life as a result, but my thinking is that period of time, many women we made to give away children born out of wedlock, it was the way then, which was and still is wrong, my first wife was adopted and wanted to meet her real mother, but changed her mind at the last minute and said to me that her parents who brought her up were her parents now and that was that, i suspect that had her real mother of contacted her she would now be happy to meet. i have a good friend who was made to give her child away when she was young and she is very angry, sad and bitter about being made to do that, she would like to know that her child is happy and has had a good life, thats all

Taz666


Joined: 21/12/2008
Posts: 180

Message Posted:
16/01/2009 14:29

The mother in question could contact social services who will work as a go between, or she can send letters to her daughter and send to Adoption House in london who will hold the letters untill the daughter makes contact with them at which time they will pass on the letters to the daughter or son which ever the case

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
16/01/2009 14:35

Marcos, women these day's who gave up their children for adoption, are now able to find them. A new law was passed about 5 years ago, to let them find their children through Social Services, previously it was only the children who could do this, get your friend to firstly have a look on the link I have posted in message 10 the child may be looking for her.

Taz666


Joined: 21/12/2008
Posts: 180

Message Posted:
16/01/2009 14:45

try this link - http://www.iwasadopted.com

fire starter


Joined: 19/06/2008
Posts: 3401

Message Posted:
16/01/2009 17:08

my father left my mum just after i was born.

my step dad who i always classed as my real dad was a great guy.

my father has not bothered to send a birthday card ect ever.

he still lives in the same area as my parents did.

my step dad once asked me if i would like to meet up with my father.

i said no, as what had he ever done for me? sod all.

my step dad was fine about it and totally understood.

i truthfully don't know the guy and don't want to.

what contribution to my life could he make? nothing!

maybe he needed to meet up with me for his own concience?

i had a great dad, why would i need him?



i am just waiting for this man, who i know nothing about to die.

so i can contest the will. payback time for all those years,lol.

britvic



Joined: 05/09/2008
Posts: 3039

Message Posted:
16/01/2009 17:29

msg 16, So your the forgiving type then?

newby07


Joined: 04/05/2008
Posts: 37

Message Posted:
17/01/2009 18:07

Found my birth Mother about two years ago. She went on to have a further child (my birth Sister) one year later. This was in 1957/8. She subsequently went on to Mary our Father. When we met the couple were still together. I insisted that they track down my Sister. I had been brought up well in a loving family enviroment by my adoptive parents, whom I love dearly. It is secret from them of my meetings with my birth parents. I am glad that I was lucky enough to have been adopted by the parents I have come to love.

fire starter


Joined: 19/06/2008
Posts: 3401

Message Posted:
18/01/2009 20:19

there is nothing to forgive britvic.

any guy who has a kid and doesn't care for them or give a sh-t, in my book is a waste of space. no mercy.

The-Wicks


Joined: 27/05/2007
Posts: 2279

Message Posted:
18/01/2009 20:45

I had a friend at school who fell pegnant at the age of 17. She, as a schoolgirl, was forced by her parents to give her child up for adoption. Remember - this was the 60's.

She completed her education and as far as I know, still has a very good job with with UN in Paris. She went on to marry and have 3 daughters with her husband. She never looked for her adopted daughter, but just kept hoping, with the change of legislation, that her daughter would look for her. This she did - when she was pregnant with her own child at age of 33. This is a story which has an ultimately happy ending, but not without it's "transitional" problems. This is very much a personal thing to the person/persons c

concerned.

J