[DAILY JOKE-03] 109 million 999.907 to go

DutchCrusader



Joined: 19/05/2008
Posts: 11281

Message Posted:
10/12/2009 20:23

How To Deal With Dutch People



(1) Many foreigners call everything Dutch…well…'Dutch'. Don't! The word Dutch reminds Dutch people of the word Duits which is used for Germans and other things he dislikes. A Dutch person is a Hollander or a Nederlander.

(2) As a foreigner, don't ever try to speak Dutch. Not only will you get an enormous headache but the Hollanders will not understand what you mean. Foreigners are supposed to speak English or Gibberish. In the latter case they will be an easy target for pickpockets since they will not be able to talk to the police.

(3) Don't ever try to eat 'drop'. (Dutch Licorice) Drop is a sort of candy that can only be eaten by Hollanders. It can be recognized by the colour: black. The taste is a blend between earwax and paint (black). Hollanders absolutely adore the stuff and eat many kilo's of it. There is a nationwide conspiracy to look at the faces of foreigners that were made to believe the stuff is actually edible.

DutchCrusader



Joined: 19/05/2008
Posts: 11281

Message Posted:
10/12/2009 20:24

(4) Don't buy wooden shoes. They will look completely ridiculous. Which is the reason they will try to sell them to you. A Hollander himself would not want to be found dead wearing them.(Preferably a Hollander doesn't want to be found dead at all).



(5) Don't make holes in the dikes. Such behaviour is commonly disapproved and in extreme cases it can get you stoned by wooden shoes. But feel free to put your finger in the dike if you feel the urge. It will at least get you a few laughs from the natives.



(6) A Hollander is always right and he knows it. With this in mind it is very easy to cope with most Hollanders. If you ever get in an argument with a Hollander, tell him he was absolutely right and that you now realize how wrong you were. Now he will go crazy: Since you're a foreigner, you can never be right. You agree with him, therefore he couldn't be right. Impossible. He's a Hollander. But…then…he… Now is the time to take a step back and observe how the Hollander (continued)

DutchCrusader



Joined: 19/05/2008
Posts: 11281

Message Posted:
10/12/2009 20:26

(continued)

But…then…he…Now is the time to take a step back and observe how the Hollander will try to strangle himself with a tulip.



(7) Mills are inevitable.



(8) It is not necessary to fake interest for tulips, mills, wooden shoes or cheese. Every Hollander knows you came for the soft drugs and the Amsterdam red-light district. Both are widely spread and easy to find. Just ask any Hollander over age 6 or a French tourist. (See points 19 and 20)



(9) Avoid soccer fans at all times. Soccer in Holland is just an excuse to crush the skulls of practically everybody else, including yours. This mainly takes place when the game is lost…or tied…or won. It is extremely foolish to stand next to a cop during these festivities (see point 10) Also remember never to mention the 1974 cup finals near a Hollander. He will instantly pull you into a long-lasting litany about how good 'Orange' played then and how good…blablablabla…

DutchCrusader



Joined: 19/05/2008
Posts: 11281

Message Posted:
10/12/2009 20:27

(10)Cops in Holland are mainly used to throw stuff at. If you get the uncontrollable desire to hit someone, take on a cop. No Hollander will pay any attention if you hit a cop, put a knife in his cranium or firmly kick him in the butt. Cops represent authority and not one Hollander recognizes a higher authority then himself. You will notice the fact that most cops are actually foreigners that were lured into this job.



(11)Hollanders do not like spending money. They would rather cut of an ear. A Hollander will be your friend for life if you give him something for free. This might explain the great success of McDonalds in Holland. The story that copper wire is an invention of two Hollanders fighting over a found cent is absolutely true.

Brinsley


Joined: 04/04/2009
Posts: 6858

Message Posted:
10/12/2009 20:49

What about my 2500 Guilders the Amro Bank riped me off for by not using my A/C for thirty odd years and couldn't find their paperwork to coincide with my passbook?! Another bunch of thieves and no doubt those bankers were instrumental in training personnel in TRNC!



Richard

harita


Joined: 14/08/2008
Posts: 1343

Message Posted:
10/12/2009 21:33

DC .. You have more faces than Amsterdam Market Hall Clock .. You had a go at me about copy & pasting .. Where did you get (6) from in message 2 .. Deja vu





harita



Joined: 14/08/2008

Posts: 340



Message Posted:

08/12/2009 22:22

Reply Message 13 of 34 in Discussion



Sorry folks if I am breaking any rules .. Found how he does it & had to "Copy & Paste" this :-

A Hollander is always right and he knows it. With this in mind it is very easy to cope with most Hollanders. If you ever get in an argument with a Hollander, tell him he was absolutely right and that you now realize how wrong you were. Now he will go crazy: Since you're a foreigner, you can never be right. You agree with him, therefore he couldn't be right. Impossible. He's a Hollander. But…then…he…Now is the time to take a step back and observe how the Hollander will try to strangle himself with a tulip.

DutchCrusader



Joined: 19/05/2008
Posts: 11281

Message Posted:
10/12/2009 21:51

RE msg 6, Harita: (...) DC .. You have more faces than Amsterdam Market Hall Clock .. You had a go at me about copy & pasting .. Where did you get (6) from in message 2 .. Deja vu (...)



=> It's not a secret and in this thread (which you probably didn't read) I announced it all: http://www.cyprus44.com/forums/27576.asp : "They're not mine, Smithy! I only do what everybody here does: copy/paste from the Internet. And I'm a pretty good Googler, even when I say that myself. So prepare for 110 million Daily Jokes from me in the next 110 million days..."

So, what's your point, Harita..?!

P.S. I still don't understand why it is necessary to copy/paste jokes on this forum when you easily find 110 million jokes on the Internet! My slogan is and remains: Let's talk (more) about Cyprus on Cyprus44.

harita


Joined: 14/08/2008
Posts: 1343

Message Posted:
10/12/2009 22:03

My point is .. I was only passing on some joke which was sent to me in an email which I thought was funny .. Would you call that copy & pasting .. I'm not a good Googler but learning fast ..

breezyboy


Joined: 14/05/2007
Posts: 1179

Message Posted:
11/12/2009 13:13

DC

You forgot the disgusting puke raising habit of dropping a whole raw herring down your throat. Yuk! What pleasure is there in this?

DutchCrusader



Joined: 19/05/2008
Posts: 11281

Message Posted:
11/12/2009 13:20

RE msg 9, breezyboy: (...) You forgot the disgusting puke raising habit of dropping a whole raw herring down your throat. Yuk! What pleasure is there in this? (...)

=> Utter rubbish, breezyboy. In Amsterdam we eat raw herring cut in four or five pieces by the seller. Only people from Rotterdam take the raw herring by the tail and let the fish slowly sink into their throats. Uncivilised. The rest of the country is divided in their opinion how to eat raw herring. But of course only the Amsterdam way is right.

And the pleasure? How can I explain that to people who used to eat fat dripping fish and vinegar spoiled chips from a... news paper..?! Probably The Sun..?

mamachina


Joined: 22/11/2008
Posts: 730

Message Posted:
11/12/2009 14:27

Does "Going Dutch" mean neither of you pay?

mamachina


Joined: 22/11/2008
Posts: 730

Message Posted:
11/12/2009 14:31

If one has to call a person from the Netherlands, a Netherlander or a Hollander - what language do they speak if Dutch is not allowed? Is it Hollandaise -and if it is, it gives a whole new meaning to Hollandaise Sauce!!

DutchCrusader



Joined: 19/05/2008
Posts: 11281

Message Posted:
11/12/2009 14:39

RE msg 11, mamachina: As far as I know "going Dutch" means that man/woman, man/man or woman/woman pay pay for themselves. Did you know that there are 64 (!) expressions in the English language about the Dutch? And not one of them is nice... Maybe later today, when I'm full of "Dutch courage", I'll ask my "Dutch uncle" etc etc. I don't suppose you want or expect me to write all 64 expressions down, do you..?



RE msg 12, mamachina: The Dutch (Nederlanders, Hollanders) speak Nederlands (not Dutch and not Hollands). Omg, I try to understand this myself...

TheSaints



Joined: 28/01/2009
Posts: 1369

Message Posted:
11/12/2009 15:00

DC



"(10)Cops in Holland are mainly used to throw stuff at. If you get the uncontrollable desire to hit someone, take on a cop. No Hollander will pay any attention if you hit a cop, put a knife in his cranium or firmly kick him in the butt. Cops represent authority and not one Hollander recognizes a higher authority then himself. You will notice the fact that most cops are actually foreigners that were lured into this job."



"Then himself"



Surely not a spelling mistake is it a competition to spot the deliberate typo?



Entertaining and close to the truth in some instances, I used to work for a Dutch company.

mamachina


Joined: 22/11/2008
Posts: 730

Message Posted:
11/12/2009 15:05

Hans - those 2 messages were meant to be a (sort of) joke!!! Sorry if I touched a Dutch nerve - and no I dont want all 64, Ill try and work them out for myself!!

DutchCrusader



Joined: 19/05/2008
Posts: 11281

Message Posted:
11/12/2009 15:10

Mamachina, the language barrier and my obvious lack of the British sense of humour make my life in TRNC unbearable. I'm glad the weather is fine today...

DutchCrusader



Joined: 19/05/2008
Posts: 11281

Message Posted:
11/12/2009 15:26

RE msg 14, TheSaints: Why are you always picking at me fo my speling and grammer? I learned an important linguistic lesson from some educated contributors on this board, asking me: "Wot does it matter how I spel, as long as u understand wot I said or wot I of meant ????????". So I surrendered and do as the Romans do...

The joke btw was copied from the Internet (which I gave as the source in at least two other threads). I didn't check the text for errors - I'm afraid you expect me now to check all jokes in the English language on the Internet..?