Best Joke you Know!!!!!!

Herbert


Joined: 12/08/2009
Posts: 49

Message Posted:
02/06/2010 19:55

Please lets share here some absolutely wicked jokes you know or have heard. Time to cheer up everybody.



I also have a sociable evening soon and need ideas for the guests.

That would be awesome to hear your fun stuff!!



Lets start!

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
02/06/2010 20:56

And why was i not invited....?

Scoty


Joined: 23/05/2010
Posts: 846

Message Posted:
02/06/2010 21:44

Why not take a few of the topics from here - am sure that would have your gathering in stitches!! Unless they are members !!

Scoty


Joined: 23/05/2010
Posts: 846

Message Posted:
02/06/2010 21:52

Another one - England to win the world cup - BIG laugh

yorgozlu



Joined: 16/06/2009
Posts: 4437

Message Posted:
02/06/2010 22:12

http://www.cyprus44.com/forums/37540.asp



and here is one from me.

daisy dukes


Joined: 06/09/2008
Posts: 3815

Message Posted:
02/06/2010 22:17

This is my favorite joke, it is juvenile, and most folk will say it's crap, but the person who told it to me, had me peeing my pants for hours afterwards!



2 snowmen in a field, one says, 'ere, can you smell carrots?'



sorry for wasting valuable cyberspace, but i really liked it!





DD

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
02/06/2010 22:18

Why is it that the winner of the Mr Universe contest always comes from earth?    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
02/06/2010 22:22

My wife says I exaggerate the amount of time I work so I don't have to spend time with her.



I'd like to see her work 12 days a week 576 days a year.    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
02/06/2010 22:23

My wife came home after borrowing my new car, "How was it?" I asked

she said "Oh okay, a bit noisy for a automatic."

I replied "It's not a bloody automatic!"    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
02/06/2010 22:28

A man sits next to a guy with a dog on a plane and asks him "Is he a guide dog"? "No i am a drugs officer, he's a sniffer dog, watch this" and says to the dog "Search" The dog goes off and comes back and puts 1 paw on his lap "Heroin" the drug officer says and makes a note of the passenger. The dog runs off and comes back again and puts 2 paws on his lap. "Coke" the drug officer says. The dog runs off and comes back again and sh**s all over the seat. "What's that then"? the first man asks. The drugs officer replies "he's found a bloody bomb!!!!"

daisy dukes


Joined: 06/09/2008
Posts: 3815

Message Posted:
02/06/2010 22:35

No1Doyen....do you have any jokes that you have heard from people, as opposed to google jokes? I'm not complaining, it's just that i get these sorts all the time from msn buddies, and it gets a bit tired....sorry to whine...





DD

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
02/06/2010 22:35

The Wife's New Exercise Regime

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, with plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each

hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (She's at this level.)

When you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
02/06/2010 22:37

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.



Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
02/06/2010 22:39

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress' ok?"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and he delivered the line.......

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "you've ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "what happened, did I forget my line?"

"No you twat," screamed the director, "you forgot the rose..."

   

swannee7


Joined: 21/08/2009
Posts: 394

Message Posted:
02/06/2010 23:22

A couple of corny oldies: 2 bottles of milk meet up on a doorstep.



'Hi', says the first one " thought you'd like to know I'm Co-operative."

"That's too bad" says the second one. "You see, I'm Sterilised."



And do you know the story of the peanut going about his business -

and he was a-salted ?

Lemtich



Joined: 15/02/2007
Posts: 1487

Message Posted:
02/06/2010 23:30

Two TV aerials fall in love and decide to get married.



Rubbish wedding, terrific reception though!



Lem

eager


Joined: 23/02/2007
Posts: 1272

Message Posted:
02/06/2010 23:36

A Guy goes into a army surplus shop and asks the assistant for a camouflage jacket, " certainly sir" say's the assistant " i'll just go and get you one"...............5 minutes later he comes back and say's......" sorry sir, i can't seem to find any"

eager


Joined: 23/02/2007
Posts: 1272

Message Posted:
02/06/2010 23:38

2 lions walking down the street, one says to the other.....not many people about today is there

rowlo



Joined: 12/10/2008
Posts: 4796

Message Posted:
02/06/2010 23:48

nun gets in the bath , 2 mins later theres a knock on the door , nun says who is it , voice comes back ,its the blind man , nun thinks thats ok come in , blind man says nice tits where do you want the blind hanging .

phoebe_cat


Joined: 06/01/2009
Posts: 146

Message Posted:
03/06/2010 00:08

First heard this joke over 25 years ago, n it still makes me giggle.....





One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food.



The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point. He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth.



The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point tool and his four point tool. One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool.



First he came upon the lion. "Lion, Lion!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"



"No." Replied the lion, "I have not seen your four point tool."



Then the chimp came upon the gorilla. "Gorilla, Gorilla!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"



"No." Replied the gorilla, "I have not seen your four point tool."



Then the chimp came upo

phoebe_cat


Joined: 06/01/2009
Posts: 146

Message Posted:
03/06/2010 00:10

Then the chimp came upon the jaguar. "Jaguar, Jaguar!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"



"Yup!" replied the jaguar, "I've seen your four point tool."



"Well where is it?" inquired the chimp.



"I ate it." Said the jaguar, smugly.



"Why would you do that?" Cried the chimp.



"Because," replied the big cat, "I'm a four point tool eater jaguar!"



"Yup!" repl

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
03/06/2010 00:24

you lotr are nuts but loved them all the same. we need to laugh xzxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

suzi1951


Joined: 14/02/2010
Posts: 191

Message Posted:
03/06/2010 00:44

Thanks for the chuckles

johnnybgoode


Joined: 08/12/2008
Posts: 252

Message Posted:
03/06/2010 11:00

2 cornish farmers talking,

one of them say's err your son is bloody useless, he's gone and broke that tractor, again, i know say's the otherone last week he broke the milk maids, virginity too

vincent1


Joined: 20/07/2009
Posts: 212

Message Posted:
03/06/2010 11:12

Scoty..message3.





Scotland to qualify for the world cup.



That is funnier !!!

johnnybgoode


Joined: 08/12/2008
Posts: 252

Message Posted:
03/06/2010 11:12

englishman, scotsman and an irishman, all discussing, who the best at telecommunications, they all decide to come back after aweeks investigations, and then decide who's the best,

the scotman say's that yesterday, we dug down deep too 2000 feet, and we found a piece of copper wire, and so they would like to announce to the world that scotland have been doing wire transmission's for over 2000 years,

the englishman, say's that as of yesterday we dug down too 3000 feet and found plastic, and therefore are to announce to the world that they have been doing fibre optics for 3000 years,

the irishman say's that as of yesterday they dug down too 5000 feet, and found nothing, so they would like to announce to the world that they have been wireless for 5000 years .

johnnybgoode


Joined: 08/12/2008
Posts: 252

Message Posted:
03/06/2010 15:08

heard about the irishman, who went to the motor show and spent 3hrs walking around the car par,

he then went fly fishing and caught a 18lb blue bottle,

on his way home he stopped off to get his wife some flowers, went in the shop and asked for a dozen red rose's, the assistant, said i think youv'e made a mistake, we don't sell flowers,this is a circumsision clinic, he say's youv'e got flowers in the window, the assistant replied what do you suggest i put in the window,

tattlad


Joined: 13/12/2008
Posts: 479

Message Posted:
03/06/2010 21:20

Seeing that useless one eyed Scottish pillock sell all the UK's gold reserves then seeing it treble in price a week later..................

waddo


Joined: 29/11/2008
Posts: 1966

Message Posted:
03/06/2010 21:40

Before you lot get all pompus and equal opp's - I used to lead one of the ex-servicemen from St Dunstans down the Mall on rememberance Sunday, it was whilst we were waiting to step off in the parade that he told me his favourite joke - and it is one I have never forgotten:



How doe's the blind parachutist know when he is about to land?













The lead on his guide dog goe's slack!!!!!



This guy had been blind for over 35 years and still had a sense of humour I would have killed for!

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
04/06/2010 00:12

999 caller...



"My mate and I are out hunting in the New Forest and he's only gone and shot himself getting over a stile ... I think he's dead..."



999 Service operator



"OK, caller please give me your name and address..."



999 caller...



"My name's John Talbot and I live at 23, Wisely Way, Waterlooville"



999 Service operator



"OK John, I've got that, now the first thing we have to do is make sure your friend really is dead..."



The line goes dead and then there is an almighty bang, BANG!



999 caller...



"OK what do I do now?"

Bradus


Joined: 25/02/2007
Posts: 2641

Message Posted:
04/06/2010 00:49

Doctor doing his rounds in a psychiatric hospital. Nurse he says, please leave a spider in the following 3 patients cubicles and after a week i would like to see what the patients have observed.



After 1 week the doctor returns and asks the first patient what he had observed about the spider. Its brown says the patient but is unable to give any further details. When the second patient was asked he could only reply that it was brown, tiny and had 8 legs.Patient 3 was able to say all the above and then put the spider down and shouted forward spider..and the spider moved forward...to the left spider... and the spider moved to the left....backwards spider.....and the spider moved backwards. The patient then picked up the spider and pulled its legs off, one by one and put the spider back down.



Forward spider and the spider did not move, to the right spider and it did not move. The patient then turned to the doctor and said "if you pull its legs off it goes deaf"

Lemtich



Joined: 15/02/2007
Posts: 1487

Message Posted:
04/06/2010 01:09

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.



"I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says.



He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.



"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out



the poison and spit it on the ground."



The guy runs back to his friend, who is now in agony.



"What did the doctor say?" the victim cries.



Looking sideways and whistling nervously, he replies.



"Errh, he says you're gonna die."

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
04/06/2010 06:47

How do you know Harry Potter is just fantasy?



There's a ginger boy with three friends... that's how!

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
04/06/2010 09:10

Heaven's New Policy



It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died." "No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!



Cont...

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
04/06/2010 09:14

The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So,the Angel announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.



Cont...

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
04/06/2010 09:16

A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." "No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."



...

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
04/06/2010 09:18

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.



A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says," Please tell me how you died."



The third man says,



"Ok, picture this.





I'm naked,



hiding inside a refrigerator...."





Navek

moonstone


Joined: 27/08/2009
Posts: 158

Message Posted:
04/06/2010 10:24

man sits down at the bar and says to the bar-keep, i bet you 100 bucks i can pee in that glass standing from over here.

The bar-keep takes up the bet. So the man whips out his thing and starts peeing all over the place, all over the bar, the tables even the bar keep.

Both the men laughing in hysterics, the bar-keep asks the man... why are you so happy you just lost the bet.

The mans reply was, yeh but do you see those guys at the pool table, i bet them 200 bucks that i could pee all over this bar, and the bar-keeper would be laughing about at.



I got this joke off a film!

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
04/06/2010 10:35

A man was brain dead, but rich and so the doctors suggested a brain transplant.

They showed his family the options and said, "There are two potential donors, a man or a woman. A male brain is £500,000, a female brain is £1m.

"Why is there such a difference?" asked his family.

"Well," said the doctor, "It's like with cars, a man brain is cheaper because it's been used."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
04/06/2010 10:36

I first realised that I was going bald when it started taking longer and longer to wash my face...    

johnnybgoode


Joined: 08/12/2008
Posts: 252

Message Posted:
04/06/2010 11:01

2 newly-weds are on their honeymoon, as they undress for bed on the first night, the husband tosses his trousers to his bride, saying 'here, put these on, she puts them on but the waist is twice the size of her slender body. 'i can't wear your trousers, she say's 'that's right, say's her husband, 'and don't you ever forget it, i wear the pants in this family, with that the wife throws him her panties,try these on, the husband tries them on but finds he can only get them to his knees, hell he say's, i can get into them, the wife replies, that's right, and that's the way it's going to stay until you change that attitude of yours.

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
04/06/2010 11:32

A little old lady went into the Natwest Bank one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the manager of the bank to open a savings account because it’s a lot of money.



They finally get her into the managers office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has £100,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The manager was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lady says, “I make bets”.



The manager replies, “Bets? What kind of bets?” and she says, “for example, I’ll bet you £5,000 that your balls are square”. “Ha!” says the manager, “That’s a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet”.



The old lady says,”So, would you like to take my bet?” “Sure,” says the manager, “I’ll bet £5,000 that my balls are not square!” The little old lady says “OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?”

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
04/06/2010 11:33

“Sure” says the manager.



That night the manager got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet.



The next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the manager’s office. She introduces the lawyer to the manager and repeats the bet, that £5,000 says the manager’s balls are square. The manager agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his trousers and underwear so they can see. The manager does this. The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them. “Well, OK” says the manager, £5,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure”.

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
04/06/2010 11:33

Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady, “What is wrong with your lawyer?”



She replies, “Nothing, except I bet him £15,000 that by 10 AM today I’d have Natwest banks manager’s balls in my hands!”





Navek

rigsby


Joined: 21/09/2007
Posts: 912

Message Posted:
04/06/2010 11:34

Old Tom the hunchback takes his usual short cut to the pub through the local cemetery.One night the devil jumps up from behind a gravestone and asks him,Whats that on your back? Tom replies i have had it from birth its the bain of my life,The devil reaches out and removes the the hunch from his back.Tom runs on to the pub where his mates notice he now stands up straight,How come Tom? He tells them what happened,they are all shocked but in the corner sits old Herbert with the club foot,he hobbles out the back door and straight to the cemetery.The devil spots him and wants to know why he is walking funny.Herbert says i was born with one leg shorter than the other,it has held me back all my life.The devil then reaches out and gives him Toms lump,There you go mate,now you got something else to moan about!!!!!

johnnybgoode


Joined: 08/12/2008
Posts: 252

Message Posted:
04/06/2010 12:34

a guy goes to his doctor to collect the results of his test, the doctor say's the result's of your last test are conclusive, 'you've got 6 months to live, oh my god say's the patient is there anything i can do? you could try lots of mud bath's, say's the doctor, and will that cure me say's the patient, no replies the doctor, but it will help you get use to lying in dirt.

Ailletoo


Joined: 24/01/2009
Posts: 1003

Message Posted:
04/06/2010 12:58

A young boy comes running up to a policeman and says "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight."

Sure enough, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe. The cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father?" The kid looks up at the cop and replies "I don't know, officer - that's what they're fighting about."

Vidal


Joined: 14/05/2009
Posts: 867

Message Posted:
04/06/2010 13:13

Grandma is baby sitting 5 year old Billy who is playing outside with his friends.

Billy rushes in and asks, Grandma, Grandma, what's it called when two people sleep together in the same room..you know, when they sleep on top of each other? Grandma, obviously flustered thinks, oh well here goes.... ''Billy, that's called making love''.



Billy rushes back out to his friends happy. 5 minutes later he's back.



''Grandma..its called bunk beds and Jimmy's Mum wants to speak to you!''

Ailletoo


Joined: 24/01/2009
Posts: 1003

Message Posted:
04/06/2010 20:47

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.



One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.



A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"



Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks."



After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?"



Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?"



The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some B...st.rd in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."

johnnybgoode


Joined: 08/12/2008
Posts: 252

Message Posted:
05/06/2010 12:25

a boy is given homework, on childbirth, he goes to his mother and say's 'how as i born? 'well honey the stork brought you to us, 'oh, say's the boy, and how did you and dady get born? 'oh the stork brought both of us too, well how was grandma and grandpa born? well the stork brought them too,

a few days later, the boy hands in his homework, with the following opening sentence, 'this report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for 3 generations.

alanka


Joined: 15/09/2007
Posts: 154

Message Posted:
06/06/2010 03:59

'My long lost brother is returning on Sunday. I haven't seen him since he left Ireland thirty years ago,' said Mick. 'He wrote to say he'll be arriving at Shannon airport at eight in the morning.'



'If he's been away that long,' asked Sean, 'how will you recognise him?'



'I won't,' reasoned Mick. 'But he'll recognise me cos I've never been away at all.

alanka


Joined: 15/09/2007
Posts: 154

Message Posted:
06/06/2010 04:00

Irish they were and drunk for sure and they sat in the comer of Mulligan's newly refurbished bar. Across the wall opposite was a huge mirror, fourteen feet long and stretching from floor to ceiling.



Glancing around the room Pat suddenly spotted their reflection in the mirror.



'Mick, Mick,' he whispered. 'Don't look now but there's two fellas over there the image of us!'



'In the name of God,' said Mick, spotting the reflection. 'They're wearing identical clothes and everything.'



'That does it,' said Pat. 'I'm going to buy them a drink.'



But as Pat started to rise from his seat, Mick said, 'Sit down Pat one of them's coming over!'

alanka


Joined: 15/09/2007
Posts: 154

Message Posted:
06/06/2010 04:03

Father McGee walked into the church and spotted a man sitting cross-legged on the altar.



'My son,' said the holy man, 'what are you doing? Who are you?'



'I'm God,' said the stranger.



'Pardon?'



'I'm God,' he repeated. 'This is my house!'



Father McGee ran into the presbytery and, in total panic, rang the archbishop.



'Your reverence,' said he, 'I hate to trouble you, but there's a man sat on me altar who claims he's God. What'll he do?'



Take no chances,' said the archbishop. 'Get back in the church and look busy!

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
09/06/2010 17:01

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Is, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ....

every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage,

ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly .....



To be continued.....

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
09/06/2010 17:02

when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.



Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,



"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"



"Luis, Luis MI amigo... what ees it? "





"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees







Ees







Ees







Ees







Ees a ham bush...."



Navek

wattys


Joined: 07/10/2008
Posts: 278

Message Posted:
09/06/2010 18:19

A women go's to the police station,

Desk sergent says what can i do for you,

Woman says i'v come about obsene phone calls.

Sergent says when.

Women says i will have one wednesday and friday night when my husband is out playing darts.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
09/06/2010 20:35

A snail is returning home late at night and has to cut though a dark ally. As he is passing though, he is mugged by two slugs.

Later on at the police station, the officer asks him, "Can you give me a description of the assailants?"

The snail ponders this for a moment and then replies, "Gee, I'm not sure... it all happened so fast."    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
09/06/2010 22:03

paddy goes into the doctors surgery, walks up to the doctor and punches him in the face.

the doctor says 'what was that for?'

paddy said 'you told my wife she has a nice fanny'

the doctor replies ' no i didnt, i said she had acute angina!'    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
09/06/2010 22:16

Camelot should be stripped of the national lottery rights for all the rules and profiteering. I just won the Nigerian lottery and I didn't need at ticket!    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
09/06/2010 22:31

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.

When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open."

He did not understand her remark but later on, he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary.

Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

johnnybgoode


Joined: 08/12/2008
Posts: 252

Message Posted:
10/06/2010 12:24

on his recent visit to cyprus, the pope decides to take a turn at the wheel of his limo, the pope gets in the front and his driver gets in the back, the pope gets pulled over for doing a 100mph by a trafic cop, the cop radio's back to the station commander, and say's we've got a vip situation here, i've just pulled over someone who's realy realy important, who is it ask's the commander, i don't know say's the cop but his chauffeur is the pope.

AlsancakJack



Joined: 14/08/2008
Posts: 5762

Message Posted:
10/06/2010 12:32

A cabbie picks up a Nun.



She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't

stop staring at her.



She asks him why he is staring.



He replies, 'I have a question to ask but I don't want to offend you.'



She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me.. When you're as old as I am and

have been a nun as long as I have, you get to see and hear just about

everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would

find offensive.'

'

Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'



She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:



1, you have to be single and



2, you must be Catholic.'



The cab driver is very excited and says,



'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'



'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'



The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would

make a hooker blush.



But when they get back on the road, the cab driver  starts crying.

AlsancakJack



Joined: 14/08/2008
Posts: 5762

Message Posted:
10/06/2010 12:36

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'



'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm

Jewish.'





The nun says, 'That's OK.



My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.

Marvo


Joined: 30/04/2007
Posts: 194

Message Posted:
10/06/2010 13:27

Paddy Murphy goes for a job interview. The boss say's 'and your name is' and Paddy say's 'Patrick Murphy'



The boss say's 'and your date of birth' and Paddy say's ' aah stick the job up your arse'

Chegwin


Joined: 24/03/2009
Posts: 775

Message Posted:
10/06/2010 13:41

You know you’re supporting Scotland if :

They play in 0-0-10 formation.

The digital scoreboard has three digits for opponent goals.

You consider a 5-1 defeat a moral victory.

The referee apologises for every decision against your team.

The team pray before kickoff.

At half time the team receive stress therapy.

There’s an uproar of delight if they gain a corner kick.

The club’s lucky mascot keeps having freak accidents.

Opposition players get sent off for laughing.

There are fewer supporters than players.

They are sponsored by the local Brownies.

The groundsman earns more than any of the players.

johnnybgoode


Joined: 08/12/2008
Posts: 252

Message Posted:
10/06/2010 15:27

England v USA.



the manager & the team a chatting away, in the dressing room, the manager say's look guy's i know there crap but we've got to play them anyway, tell you what say's rooney, you all go back to the hotel and have a few beer's i'll play them myself, sounds good say's the boss, so off they go back to the hotel for a few beer's after an hour the boss get's rio ferdinand to switch on the tv in the lounge, and finds the score 2-0 to England, they go back to there beer's and then an hour later rio ferdinand, switches the tv back on only to find that the final is score 2-2, well the manager is horrified, they all make a quick trip back to the dressing room, only to find rooney with his head in his hands weeping, what the hell happened out there, shouts the boss, sorry replies rooney, but the ref sent me off in the 5th minute for desent

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
10/06/2010 20:59

Dave, message 63. You certainly toned that one down! )

AlsancakJack



Joined: 14/08/2008
Posts: 5762

Message Posted:
10/06/2010 21:06

Bill

Well it is a family forum.