a thread of famous sayings

wynyardman



Joined: 15/12/2007
Posts: 2645


Message Posted:
11/10/2008 11:15

In these days of financial meltdown, doom and gloom, I thought a little levity to help us cope as our financial futures unfold. I propose a thread of famous sayings and who said them.



I will start the ball rolling with the master Winston Churchill.



Whilst sitting on the lavatory one day, there was a knock on the door from one of Churchills aides. Sir, he announced, I have The Lord Privy Seal on the telephone, and he says its urgent.



The great man boomed in response.........



Please tell the Lord Privy Seal that....I am currently sealed in my privvy, and I can only deal with one little s..t at a time!



Wonderful humour................ Lets hear your favourites.



wyn

lovelife


Joined: 07/07/2007
Posts: 200


Message Posted:
11/10/2008 11:47

You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on (Dean martin)



Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever the go (Oscar Wilde)



I am a marvellous housekeeper, everytime I leave a man I keep his house (Zsa Zsa Gabor)



Most of the time I don't have much fun, the rest of the time I don't have any fun at all (Woody Allen)

dusterbruce


Joined: 03/08/2007
Posts: 334


Message Posted:
11/10/2008 12:25

When being accused of being drunk in the Commons by Bessie Braddock, Churchill replied ' And you, madam, are ugly. However, tomorrow I will be sober!'

Oilman


Joined: 19/09/2008
Posts: 118


Message Posted:
11/10/2008 12:26

My favourites:



Margot Asquith, wife of British Prime Minister Herbert Asquith, was getting peeved at American actress Jean Harlow constantly pronouncing the silent "T" in her name. She responded "My dear thr T is silent as in Harlow!"



Another.



"A modest man, who has much to be modest about!" Winston Churchill about Clement Atlee.



"Sex the most fun I have ever had without laughing!" Woody Allen



My list is endless but on a more modern note:



Cookery

It has nothing to do with frogs' legs. No amphibian is harmed in the making of this dish. Nigella Lawson, explaining toad-in-the-hole to Americans

Oilman


Joined: 19/09/2008
Posts: 118


Message Posted:
11/10/2008 12:29

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling, I was a hooker!".



He says "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it".



She replies "Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!".

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 2739


Message Posted:
11/10/2008 12:36

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.



Martin Luther King

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 2739


Message Posted:
11/10/2008 12:43

People who cant be witty exert themselves to be devout and affectionate.

arrry



Joined: 19/08/2008
Posts: 368


Message Posted:
11/10/2008 12:46

Another Efes barman please .............Arry

Oilman


Joined: 19/09/2008
Posts: 118


Message Posted:
11/10/2008 12:59

Nice one Arry! Can't fault your logic!!!!

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 2739


Message Posted:
11/10/2008 13:37

"A fool and his words are soon parted."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 2739


Message Posted:
11/10/2008 13:39

"All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand."

Mr Vince


Joined: 24/07/2008
Posts: 92


Message Posted:
11/10/2008 14:05

Northants General Hospital "Pregnancy Advice Office...Please use Rear Entrance"



Groucho Marx " I would never join any club that would have me as a member"



Annon "No Cycling on the Phycopath"

boysie2670


Joined: 28/01/2008
Posts: 24


Message Posted:
11/10/2008 15:42

Once again,the great man Winston Churchill,having been admonished by

Bessie Braddock that "familiarity breeds contempt" ---



"Could I remind the Honourable Lady,that without a degree of familiarity

it's not possible to breed anything"

lovelife


Joined: 07/07/2007
Posts: 200


Message Posted:
11/10/2008 16:57

Mae West



'I was Snow White but I drifted'



'Its not the men in my life, its the life in my men'



'Between two evils I always pick the one I haven't tried before'

Turtle



Joined: 28/05/2007
Posts: 785


Message Posted:
11/10/2008 17:15

'They, was givin' me ten thousand watts a day,you know, and I'm hot to trot.

The next woman takes me out is gonna light up like a pinball machine, and pay off in silver dollars.'



The fantastic Jack Nicholson in "One flew over the cuckoo,s nest"

Mr Vince


Joined: 24/07/2008
Posts: 92


Message Posted:
11/10/2008 17:24

Inscribed on Spike Milligan's headstone



" I told you that I was ill".

brian24001


Joined: 23/03/2008
Posts: 564


Message Posted:
11/10/2008 19:16

Major of Hiroshima:-

"What the f@ck was that?"

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 1333


Message Posted:
12/10/2008 09:33

You have to take exercise, walk at least five miles a day. (my grand mother)

she was 60 when she said it, she will 90 now, who knows where the hell she is.....

wynyardman



Joined: 15/12/2007
Posts: 2645


Message Posted:
12/10/2008 09:47

Jock1.



Its just the way you tell em! Cheered me up this chilly morning!



wyn

brian24001


Joined: 23/03/2008
Posts: 564


Message Posted:
12/10/2008 10:32

http://www.cyprus44.com/forums/5490.asp



After reading this thread (link above), the one saying that came to mind:

You can please some of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time.



No idea who said it.

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 2369


Message Posted:
12/10/2008 10:45

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time.



Abraham Lincoln

Lemtich



Joined: 15/02/2007
Posts: 848


Message Posted:
12/10/2008 11:07

Since I gave up hope I've felt much better!



Lem

wynyardman



Joined: 15/12/2007
Posts: 2645


Message Posted:
12/10/2008 11:25

Some other personal favourites......



I don't mind dying........the trouble is you feel so bloody stiff the next morning.



Gorge Axelrod American screen writer....................or







A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock, that would triple its value every year.



I told him, At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.



Claude D Pepper Us Politician..................................or





My old Mam reads the obituary page every day, but she could never understand how people



always die in alphabetical order.



Frank Carson Irish comedian.



wyn

no1doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 2739


Message Posted:
12/10/2008 11:45

Is sarcasm the lowest form of wit?

phylray


Joined: 21/09/2007
Posts: 573


Message Posted:
12/10/2008 22:06

Ghandi was asked on a visit to Britain "What do you think of Western

Civilization?"

Reply - "I think it's a good idea"

NoNowt


Joined: 09/10/2008
Posts: 47


Message Posted:
12/10/2008 23:44

To the Churchill fans - This was given to me by someone today after I almost quoted correctly the Braddock tale:



Lady Astor(?) who said to Churchill: "Winston, if you were my husband I would put poison in your coffee." To which Churchill replied: " Madam, if you were my wife I would drink it."

mickey rourke


Joined: 27/08/2008
Posts: 153


Message Posted:
13/10/2008 05:30

One for all the Brits who love puttin the knife in out here



'Et tu Bruti'



for you Shakespeare lovers (pardon the spelling if not right)

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 2369


Message Posted:
13/10/2008 08:18

Battle of Hastings, Harold, King of England's last words...



"Watch that bugger, he'll have somebody's eye ou......."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 2739


Message Posted:
13/10/2008 08:28

I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born

wynyardman



Joined: 15/12/2007
Posts: 2645


Message Posted:
13/10/2008 08:29

Nice one Groucho! Made me smile on this overcast North East Monday morning.



wyn

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 2739


Message Posted:
13/10/2008 08:33

He could start a row in an empty house

- Sir Alex Ferguson on ex footballer Dennis Wise

Oilman


Joined: 19/09/2008
Posts: 118


Message Posted:
13/10/2008 08:58

An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind.

Mohandas Gandhi



The famous words of Bapu Ji are very topical into today's climate.

Rogerdodger


Joined: 24/04/2008
Posts: 135


Message Posted:
13/10/2008 09:03

I have never met a man so ignorant that I could not learn from him (Galileo)



Love is temporary, cured by marriage, (Me)



You will never find time for anything, if you want the time, you must make it

(Charles Buxton)

It is a mistake to try to look to far ahead, The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time. (Winston Churchill)

Aga Buyers A G


Joined: 04/10/2007
Posts: 182


Message Posted:
13/10/2008 09:31

" I will personally fund any shortfall that there is & finish all of my outstanding projects "



Gary John Robb - January 2008



ABAG

xxxxxxxxx

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 2739


Message Posted:
13/10/2008 09:37

A wise man washes his hands after he pees.

A wiser man doesn't pee on his hands.

wynyardman



Joined: 15/12/2007
Posts: 2645


Message Posted:
13/10/2008 09:38

It is easy enough to be pleasant,



When life rolls along, like a song,



But the man who's worthwhile,is the man who can smile,



When everything, goes wrong.





Gordon Brown 13/10/08.?



wyn

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 2739


Message Posted:
13/10/2008 09:40

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

– Groucho Marx



He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.

– Oscar Wilde

eager


Joined: 23/02/2007
Posts: 161


Message Posted:
13/10/2008 09:47

Oscar Wilde..on exercise

You only get a certain amount of heartbeats, why waste them!

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 2739


Message Posted:
13/10/2008 09:49

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma.

ROBnJO


Joined: 30/06/2008
Posts: 393


Message Posted:
13/10/2008 10:01

'The future isn't what it used to be'





'Basil Brush' c 1987.





rob

Lemtich



Joined: 15/02/2007
Posts: 848


Message Posted:
13/10/2008 10:14

Its, "nostalgia ain't what it used to be".



Lem

ROBnJO


Joined: 30/06/2008
Posts: 393


Message Posted:
13/10/2008 10:19

Lem



That's from Basil Brush c 1989



One of our best philsophers!



rob

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 2739


Message Posted:
13/10/2008 10:26

If things don't alter they'll stay as they are.



If things change they won't be the same



No1Doyen. 10.22am 13/20/2008

Coachie



Joined: 29/07/2008
Posts: 812


Message Posted:
13/10/2008 11:16

A little bit of something is better than a whole load of nothing.Dont know who said it....

Harold2555



Joined: 19/04/2008
Posts: 225


Message Posted:
13/10/2008 11:20

I think you'll find everything's running smoothly Gordon



Tony Blair 2007

girne 29


Joined: 06/12/2007
Posts: 299


Message Posted:
14/10/2008 15:14

Brit to Japanese " when do you go back to the Far East,"



Japanese to Brit "Far from where?"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 2739


Message Posted:
14/10/2008 15:56

I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

SteveAustin



Joined: 10/03/2008
Posts: 101


Message Posted:
14/10/2008 16:00

A woman is only a woman but a good cigar is a smoke....WC Fields.

Littlenige



Joined: 24/12/2006
Posts: 2594


Message Posted:
14/10/2008 16:08

there is no fool like a brit FOOL

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 2739


Message Posted:
14/10/2008 16:18

Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn’t expect to be paid back.

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 2369


Message Posted:
14/10/2008 18:10

If you want to keep the flies out of the kitchen keep a bucket of shit in the living room.....

ROBIN HOOD


Joined: 26/05/2008
Posts: 59


Message Posted:
14/10/2008 18:35

Masturbationg is making is having sex with someone you love

wynyardman



Joined: 15/12/2007
Posts: 2645


Message Posted:
14/10/2008 20:26

And now the words of the master............Rudyard Kipling.



If you acan keep your head whan all about are loosing theirs, and blaming it on you.



If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, but make allowance for their doubting too.



If you can wait, and not be tired by waiting, or being lied about, don't deal in lies.



Or being hated, don't give way to hating, and yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise.





If you can dream, and not make dreams your master,



If you can think, and not make thoughts your aim,



If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster,



And treat those two imposters just the same.



If you can bear to hear the words you've spoken,



Twisted by knaves, to make a trap for fools,



Or watch the things you gave your lifes work broken,



And stoop, and build em up, with worn out tools.



If you can make one heap of all your winnings,



And risk it on one turn of pitch and toss,



And lose, and start again at your beginnings,



And never brea

Turtle



Joined: 28/05/2007
Posts: 785


Message Posted:
14/10/2008 20:27

"The only decent thing to come out of a tin is shoe polish"

my Grandad bless him

wynyardman



Joined: 15/12/2007
Posts: 2645


Message Posted:
14/10/2008 20:35

Part 2



If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew,



To serve your turn, long after they are gone,



And so hold on, when there is nothing in you,



Except the will that says to them hold on.



If you can walk with crowds and keep your virtue,



Or walk with Kings, nor loose the common touch.



If neither foes, nor loving friends, can hurt you,



If all men count with you, but non too much,



If you can fill the unforgiving minute,



With sixty seconds worth of distance run,



Yours is the Earth, and everything thats in it,



And which is more, you will be a Man my son.









Words of wisdom indeed,



wyn

keithcaley


Joined: 13/06/2008
Posts: 272


Message Posted:
14/10/2008 21:11

Message 52,

What on earth is Masturbationg

you W*nker

keithcaley


Joined: 13/06/2008
Posts: 272


Message Posted:
14/10/2008 21:14

That was Winker, just in case anyone gets upset... ;-)

Turtle



Joined: 28/05/2007
Posts: 785


Message Posted:
14/10/2008 21:16

I thought is was Wonker ?

wynyardman



Joined: 15/12/2007
Posts: 2645


Message Posted:
14/10/2008 21:37

Death is just natures way of telling you to slow down!



unknown.



wyn

Lemtich



Joined: 15/02/2007
Posts: 848


Message Posted:
14/10/2008 21:38

Husband: What would you do if I told you I'd won the lottery?



Wife: I'd take half and leave you.



Husband: Well I only got 3 numbers,



here's a fiver, now f**k off!



Lem

wynyardman



Joined: 15/12/2007
Posts: 2645


Message Posted:
14/10/2008 21:48

When I wake up every morning I look at the Newspaper at the Forbes 500 wealthiest people,



and if my names not there, I get up, and go to work.



unknown



wyn

Turtle



Joined: 28/05/2007
Posts: 785


Message Posted:
14/10/2008 21:50

Don't eat yellow snow

Billy the eskimo

Lemtich



Joined: 15/02/2007
Posts: 848


Message Posted:
14/10/2008 21:53

One for Wyn



I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal labotomy!.



Half the lies he tells arn't true either!



lem

wynyardman



Joined: 15/12/2007
Posts: 2645


Message Posted:
14/10/2008 22:05

OK gentlemen........one to sleep on!



They tell you that you will lose your mind, when you get older.



What they don't tell you,is that you won't miss it very much.



Malcolm Crowley US critic.





wyn

wynyardman



Joined: 15/12/2007
Posts: 2645


Message Posted:
14/10/2008 22:07

Lem,



I knew a man who had a lobotomy.



He was going to tell me about it, but he said that it is a no brainer!



wyn

Lemtich



Joined: 15/02/2007
Posts: 848


Message Posted:
14/10/2008 22:23

Give War a chance!



Lem

wynyardman



Joined: 15/12/2007
Posts: 2645


Message Posted:
14/10/2008 22:29

W C Fields has a profound respect for old age.



Especially when it is bottled!.



Gene Fowler



us author.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 2739


Message Posted:
15/10/2008 09:45

One of the strangest things about life is that the poor, who need money the most, are the ones that never have it.

wynyardman



Joined: 15/12/2007
Posts: 2645


Message Posted:
15/10/2008 09:53

I've been rich, and i've been poor........rich is best.



I believe it was Bett Middler



wyn

Littlenige



Joined: 24/12/2006
Posts: 2594


Message Posted:
15/10/2008 09:58

Make love not war

tinker


Joined: 14/08/2008
Posts: 51


Message Posted:
15/10/2008 14:05

Wife... "Will you love me when I'm old"

Husband ... "Get hold and I'll tell you"



Tinker

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 2739


Message Posted:
15/10/2008 15:00

War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left

japal


Joined: 12/08/2008
Posts: 80


Message Posted:
15/10/2008 15:38

I `m not getting married anymore......Im just going to find a girl I dont like and give her a house Rod Stewart.



That aint a real gun.............. John Lennon



What a stupid place to plant a tree........ Marc Bolan

Chessman


Joined: 13/05/2008
Posts: 389


Message Posted:
15/10/2008 15:39

An Englishman thinks he is moral when he is only uncomfortable.

George Bernard Shaw.



Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right.

Isaac Asimov

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 2739


Message Posted:
15/10/2008 15:44

books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't pay..so if you keep reading, you'll go broke

Oilman


Joined: 19/09/2008
Posts: 118


Message Posted:
15/10/2008 17:03

A little bit of something is better than a whole load of nothing is from a Little Richard Northern Soul record called "A little bit of something" Coachie!

On the same theme:



If you can keep your head when all around you are losing there's . . . . . . . . . . . Then you have absolutely no idea how dire things are!!"

Oilman


Joined: 19/09/2008
Posts: 118


Message Posted:
15/10/2008 17:14

While many of the wittiest omments came from this side of the Atlantic America had it's own share of witty raconteurs. None more so than Dorothy Parker the show biz critic. One actress who seemed to get the brunt of her ascerbic comments was Katherine Hepburn. She believed her to be totally talentless and once ciommented "In this film her acting ran the gamut of emotions from A to B!" Priceless. In spite of being one of the Rothschild family she was very critical of the vulgarity with which the flaunted their wealth and hence her remark "If you want to know what God thinks of money look at those God gave it to!"

Coachie



Joined: 29/07/2008
Posts: 812


Message Posted:
15/10/2008 19:26

Oilman ..thanks for that.



"Iceberg!! What iceberg??"

Capt.ot the Titanic....

wynyardman



Joined: 15/12/2007
Posts: 2645


Message Posted:
15/10/2008 19:30

Coachie,



I though it was, "Who called for Ice"



Capt of the Titanic.

phylray


Joined: 21/09/2007
Posts: 573


Message Posted:
15/10/2008 19:54

"At no time did Mrs. Scott feel that the magic had gone out of their marriage"

- after her husband's numerous attempts to murder her.

wynyardman